Me:. Black. Gay. Professional. Wowza...

Professional: Slow transition to asshole...

2011-07-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

So as the days of my first new professional job creep by, I'm becoming more and more jaded about people wanting to do a good job and (maybe even more importantly) being capable of doing a good job.

This goes for professionals and parents alike. The time that I spend parenting people with kids who are years older and out of control is just immense. I think it's a bit funny that I've been taught all this basic insight into human behavior and parents seem to either overlook it or miss it altogether. Maybe there are indeed too close to the situation to garner an objective view.

In either case, I feel that I work and care really hard. I strive to always look towards the hidden meanings and I work to find the best way to resolve a situation with the least amount of stress and meds.

But I'm not getting the impression that anyone else really carries their weight in that regard.

Maybe that's why I need to make more money; so that I can then be very selective with whom I associate with (both personally, socially, professionally.) Because sighing customer service people, terse servers, slow ass and repetitious assistants are being to chap my ass.

I'm just sayin'...

I may be a bit terse today because I'm waiting for the results of my board exams which still aren't in. I'm nervous because they don't show up on the website either and my colleagues are getting their results much faster than I did.

I'm having some deja vu; that ominous feeling like I had the time when Luke was getting ready to break up with me. Yeah, regardless of if I passed or not, I shouldn't let what happened with Luke affect my life or make me more squeamish. But it does...at least for now.

Ugh, I wanna go to bed.

House Headaches...

2011-06-01T08:07:00.002-04:00

So in getting ready to sell your house, you must have it inspected. Lordy loo this has been a process.

I'm not one for surprises. Good surprises, yes. Bad surprises, hells no. So for instance, in knowing that I would selling the house, I got a Terminix guy to come out and walk the premises months ago. He said he didn't see anything he could treat. He even added the tagline "I would make it up if I could but I don't see anything." Thus I went into this inspection process thinking lots of positive thoughts. And lo and behold, I have termites who have infiltrated with lots of tubes. The treatment: 600 bucks.

I also got the HVAC unit checked. One of the servicemen was a hot young guy with black hair, blue eyes, dimples, and was dumb as hell...I loved it! :) I thought they gave me a clean bill of health until I got the inspection report back and lo, the HVAC is "off" 9 degrees, has dirty coils and is unleveled. Of course they charge me another 89 bucks to simply come out then 160 bucks to clean the coils and I'm not even sure what the rest will entail. Let's just say that I'm sure it'll be 500 bucks when all is said and done...

Then I have to get a vinyl guy out to "cut vinyl", a window guy out to replace wood, an electrician to replace an electrical outlet, a roofer to deal with some flashing...let's just say that I don't see this process costing less than 1500 bucks.

I guess I shouldn't complain because it means I get this house off my books...but it still hurts nonetheless. Ah, the awesomeness of home ownership...

Music: Beyonce 4

2011-05-29T10:51:00.003-04:00

So my favorite artist is coming out with another CD on June 28. Hooray!!!! I plan to see her in concert at some point in my life. :) It's just a matter of getting the finances together and keeping abreast of where she is so that I can jump on a good seat.

As luck would have it, she's actually going to have a concert a couple of hours away from Edinburgh. Ain't that something?

Fate works for good and for ill...actually, it just does it's thing and we react in our egocentric ways. I'm just glad I'm blessed to get another CD from such an amazing woman. :)

Me: Pathetic?

2011-05-29T00:42:00.002-04:00

I'm drunk.

I miss Luke.

There are at least 2 men who are infatuated with me. Maybe more.

And all I can think of is the man who has rejected me.

Pathetic.

Yup.

And I'm at a loss as to what to do.

The correct answer is: "move on. He said he doesn't want to be with you. What other proof do you need."

Yet I can't walk away. What's wrong with me? Even if he did "come back" it wouldn't be an even playing field and would only end in tears for me, right?

The correct answer is, "yup, that's right." There's only re-heartbreak in the cards for me. So I might as well quit. So I quit...what's next?

Me: Patience...more patience...

2011-05-18T22:14:00.003-04:00

As I sit and listen to the Gymnopedie No. 1 by Satie, I type out a reminder. That I am alive. I am surviving.

Though tears stream down my face because I miss Luke, I know that things will get better.

Patience is a virtue I've never really had. But I wait. I wait with a glimmer of hope that someday, I will truly smile again; and mean it.

This song is so soothing and empathic and just the alternating chords of the opening measures just allow me to senter myself on what brings me joy and contentment. And for now, those are thoughts of my fiance. Ex-fiance, but a man whom I love nonetheless.

I love being in love...I felt whole and unique and free. And while that feeling is likely a ways from me right now, (as I love the boyfriend within), I know what it means to love and let go of all boundaries of one's heart. Exhilarating and simple.

And now the clarinet concerto by Finzi plays and I cry more; the tones sore and my heart aches and it's wonderful. Exquisite pain for the love I was not able to share with the man I love.

I have an amazing life. To have survived this heartache yet still have the ability to ache (and the consciousness not to self destruct or implode) is a blessing. I am blessed.

Gay: Celibacy...

2011-05-08T18:48:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day...let's see how long it lasts. :)

I got tested this past week; it's been something I've put off for almost 9 months after the breakup. There is no particular reason for me waiting; I just didn't feel up to it and when I did, I would get distracted and not schedule a time to go in.

As luck would have it, though, over the last week, I developed a fever due to another damn ear infection. Since I was going in to see the doctor anyway, I went ahead and got my labwork done. Let's just say that even though I didn't have need to worry, I did anyway...after all, what if I missed something? What if someone had lied to me? What if a tiny piece of virus has evaded my immune system?

Well, there's nothing like the thought of recurrent infections, taking lots of pills, and feeling like shit to kill one's libido. So now, I sit here, 8 days without sex with another human being. I plan to allow this to play itself out.

Having sex with people you're not in a relationship with is such a warped trap. It feels good for that moment, but in the end, you feel cheap and worthless. I don't like that feeling. Nor do I like the feeling of being online, being judged by typing 5 words to an anonymous stranger whom I've taken a liking to from scantily clad pictures.

It's enough. That's enough.

I know better. Now it's time for me to do better.

Besides, reacclimating myself to my own body and what I like and dislike is important. I've been someone else's sexual doormat for far too long, it feels.

Let's see how it goes...

Me: Every day...

2011-05-01T22:54:00.002-04:00

Slowly, very slowly, things are getting better.

Each day, I reconnect with my emotions.

Each day, I give thanks to Fate, the fickle bitch that caused me much pain, for opening my eyes.

She has helped me realize the flaws in my relationship.

She has helped me remember how to love, how to laugh.

She has given me back a semblance of control over my desires, my fantasies.

And she's helped me learn that I have hardly any control of factors outside of my decisions. Lol, even what my body does is not within my control.

And I am going to take this chance to live it up.

Me: Enjoy this!!!!

2011-04-18T20:59:00.003-04:00

God works in really really mysterious ways. Like super mysterious. So each time I fall into a funk about my ex, He again shows me that I should keep walking forward and enjoying my single-dom. I've encountered lots of great people through the MeatMarket that have reminded me that relationships can be really shitty (hence why they're on the site in the first place) and that being single and with lots of opportunities is kinda fucking cool. For instance, I've signed to a great job, just bought a new house (so now I own two!) and have my health. Someday I'll look back and say "wow! Remember when!" But I'm not worried about that because tomorrow may never come. Instead, I enjoy making my own schedule, studing when I like, spending as much time on my evals as I like, deciding when to pop my pimples and take a shit. I still don't like waking up without my ex, but I think sleeping on the floor for a while will get rid of that...well, that and 80 or 90 degree temperatures. :) Enjoy the feeling of gifting and charity as well. I've been able to donate to lots of different philanthropies, both through Credo, Courage Campaign, HRC, and just random people in general through the sale of my stuff. It's great! I hope Boo-bear...err....my ex is having the time of his life as well. But as this quote attests, he might not: "Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy." -Francois Duc La Rochefoucauld Being in a relationship takes hard work because no one, and I mean NO ONE, is hitting on all cylinders all the time. And if they are, one of them is probably cheating. :) Ah, I love warmth and me and my life. I am blessed.

Gay: Sex...argh!

2011-04-10T21:47:00.002-04:00

I don't think I can do it anymore. Because it just doesn't compare to what I had before. Maybe if I was actually attracted to someone and had built a relationship with that person, I'd feel differently. As it stands, I meet up with one night stands and "friends with benefits" and everytime I'm disappointed because it's just unsatisfying. Worse, I constantly think of my ex when I'm having sex and thinking back to how good our sex life was. It's comically ridiculous that I can't shake my feelings for this guy. Why is he so different? I dunno but in the meantime, I'm letting him keep me from enjoying myself. Goddamit.

Me: Quiet blessings...

2011-04-04T00:24:00.002-04:00

So sometime last year (I can't even remember when), I had the opportunity to sow a seed for a friend...a small monetary blessing that paid off for them months later. Mama Popovic is an extraordinary woman that I had the pleasure of running across after my breakup. She's been a major part of my recovery and I can say, without a doubt, that I likely wouldn't be the man I am today without her. She took me to dinner once...at Oasis. I can't remember what we were supposedly celebrating, but she spent alot of money. In true friend form, she (like myself) refuse to let something as trivial as finances stand in the way of good food and good friendship. In return, upon getting to her house and having tea, I slipped 40 bucks into her brother's pair of cowboy boots. He apparently didn't wear them until recently because he found the money and "split it with 50:50." She was telling TriPan this with a smile on her face, laughing at the coincidence of it all. When it dawned on me what exactly happened, I smiled to myself and kept it to myself. I love blessing others. This must continue :)

Me: He took it all...

2011-03-29T22:20:00.002-04:00

For years I built a shell around me. It was a fascade of happiness and confidence. Of extroverted exuberance. I wished to experience what life had to offer while tricking myself to think above and beyond. It was built on a shelf that I thought would never move. It was a seasoned shelf of self defense that I've been constructing since I was at least 14 or 15. Ever since Momma said "stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves." It's survived everything that 30 years could throw at it. I was proud, very proud of my accomplishments. But I sit here, a broken man, because I let someone into my heart that unhinged the shelf from it's tenuous moorings. And it slid off my personage and lies on the floor in a hundred million unfixable pieces. And I don't know how to fix it because he took all the glue. And the instructions. And the desire. I want to quit. Quit my job. Quit my friends. Quit my family. Quit my life. I have never felt so raw; so exposed. So desperate and alone. So hopeless. My mind says that it will get better. Just "fake it til you make it" or "plug and chug." But I don't know about that anymore. I don't know about anything. Luke is not a bad guy. He did not cause this, per se. And this needed to happen just as he needed (obviously) to move to "greener" pastures. How will I respond to this, the most serious challenge to my life and livelihood? By becoming bitter? Resenting others for their happiness, growling under my breath, cursing God for fucking me over again? By becoming flippant? Trying to make up ways to distract myself through jokes, dancing, escapades? By becoming angry? How do I live a life that I no longer recognize? That I know longer understand?

Me: You may be wrong. Really really wrong...

2011-03-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

I don't know what to do... If I completely give up on him, I go against how I feel. If I keep him in mind, I potentially cheat myself. How do I reconcile these things. I love him. More than anything else in the world. And so I don't pick either side; I'm walking in the middle...and that may be the wrong choice as well. God, I feel so very very confused.

Music: Another great classical tune...

2011-03-27T17:52:00.003-04:00

As I sit here typing a dictation that is over a month old, this is playing: Finzi: Clarinet Concerto, Romance for String Orchestra in E Flat, Op. 11: Andante Espressivo, Piu Mosso, Tempo Primo. It's a great song :) Truly exquisite and heart rending. God is amazing that he created such things...wow.

Me: A dream, a memory...

2011-03-27T16:20:00.003-04:00

I had a dream about JL not too long ago. As all good dreams do, they fade as soon as you awake. But I recall visiting an apartment/flat like structure with Mama Popovic. And for whatever reason, I think we were in an African nation because the ground outside was dirt with tan rocks everywhere. You'd half expect a tumbleweed to have rolled by. I was walking behind Mama Popovic who was carrying something to give to JL. We came upon the structure and I recall feeling the need to recoil. But for some strange reason, I went after Mama Popovic, through the torn screen door without much hesitation. Inside, sitting in front of a television with a small African child was a tanned or oily faced (or maybe it was sweat) JL, with goatee; the chin portion of the goatee was longer, with streaks of grey. His hair was short and he wore his wire glasses. He had a devilish smile but the two of us didn't make eye contact. He took whatever Mama Popovic gave him (which she did so in her characteristic way) and she began chatting about other things, as if ignoring the weird social silence between her two friends. I distinctly remember thinking, "he smiled" and feeling relieved and smarmy. No words passed between the two of us...that seems to be a theme of these dreams that contain JL. Maybe it suggests all the things that were (and are) being unsaid. Lol, I always laughed at "dream interpretation" because I'm not sure what it means and I didn't put much stock into it. But I don't recall having this many dreams about anyone in my past, nor do I recall them being so profound that I would wake up and think about them the next day. I used to dream like this, when I was younger. I thought that all of this had just disappeared as a function of aging...this relationship may have changed me more than I realized...

Me: Child-less...

2011-03-27T15:40:00.002-04:00

Relationships are hard. Parenthood is hard. And with both, you take a huge gamble...your partner could cheat, could lie, could hide their true intent, could simply become an asshole, become too clingy, become dependent or too independent. They could be stable but fall into a career that takes them away from you or expose them to areas that remind them that they have other skeletons in their closet that they haven't addressed. When I look around at my successfully married friends, I'm heartened for those who work really hard to make it work and I'm am heartbroken for those who feel trapped. That's a level of misery that I would never want; to make a pact with someone before all that exists to share a life with someone only to learn that the two of you aren't compatible. Damn, even typing that out made my heart shudder. And parenthood isn't any better. I just read an article by the most recent Details magazine and they show just how parenthood changes people. Kids take time, attention, money, energy, and sacrifice. Given that I'm 30 and am just now able to be independent, I think I shall be independent a little (or alot) longer. I miss my ex. When he and I were together, we talked about having kids. Later, after he broke up with me, I talked with a friend of his and it turns out, he hadn't mentioned having kids to anyone. Shocker, really. But just as I once entertained adopting kids (it was my first year in residency), time has been an amazingly good (and harsh) teacher. Kids have the capacity to be amazing (the president, develop the cure for cancer, be Jesus) or downright dangers (murderers, rapists, conniving businessmen without social conscience). The responsibility that falls on me to ensure he's more of the former than the latter is a daunting task. After I was dumped, I realized that I would only raise children with someone; I have no desire to be a willing single parent. Now that I'm accepting the prospect that I very well may be single for the rest of my life, I have to mesh the child-less aspect with that...and honestly, it doesn't bother me. I have enough biological, social, and psychological nephews and nieces that my pocketbook, my schedule, and my thoughts will be utilized quite well. :) But this way still gives me the opportunity to jaunt off to other cities and countries at my leisure. To go out dancing until 3 am when I want. To eat or not eat when I want. To be complete steward over my day. I'm sure that my feelings will change if I fall in love with someone again...but knowing I don't have to give in to the social pressures (for companionship and children) is reassuring. I feel a bit more...free.

Me: Stuck...

2011-02-19T12:19:00.002-05:00

I wake up every day and decide how I should go about my life. Since being dumped, everyday I wake up thinking about him. I miss him alot and I still love him. But I also know the practicality of pining after someone who so obviously doesn't want me. He's living with someone else, after all.

I get into this weird mental battle between allowing myself to be used and standing up as the strong individual that I am. Worst of all, I realize that I'm the one hanging on. I'm the one making something of this...lol, actually, I am the one making anything of this. He doesn't think of us. He doesn't think of me. If he did, I would think he'd make his feelings known.

Right???

I don't know what I think or what I believe anymore. If you'd asked me 3 years ago if I would ever stick around after being dumped, I would've looked at you like you were crazy and said, (in a very Charlotte way) "fuck that shit." I would've been "out before quick got ready." And hoping he would princessly walk back into my life would've been squashed with the quickness.

So why is this so different?

Because I'm in love with this man. I would forgive him for damn near anything. I would walk through hell for him...lol, s'funny that that's exactly what I'm doing.

I picture him sleeping with Fraser. I picture him waking up to the Scotsman and eating breakfast with him. Talking about what the day entails. Planning dinner for the evening. Coming home and getting a welcoming kiss. Going out that night shopping for their dinner, laughing at inside jokes. Walking home with their treasures and cooking up a storm. Finishing up with a fine wine and lying on one another. Getting ready for bed and having hot passionate sex. Falling asleep spooning the other.

And I get jealous. And it makes me cry. And very angry. And I feel used beyond belief.

But something always pulls me back to loving this man.

This is so strange...I sometimes pray I had never met him. Or that I had broken up with him first. Or that Fraser would break his heart the same way he did mine.

But then I realize that all of that is petty and pointless for I have no control over that.

And I begin to love him again.

Why do I love him?

It doesn't make any sense at all...but then again, love really never has made sense, now has it? :)

Black Gay: Lexapro's awesome!

2011-02-14T23:13:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking alot about this and I'm impressed at Lexapro's ability to obliterate your libido. Most people see this as a bad thing; as I would if I was in a relationship.

But since being brokenhearted and turning back to my old ways of one night stands and stupid empty sex with people who aren't looking out for my best interests, I've learned that killing your libido is actually, quite possibly, a lifesaver.

Let me explain: men are governed by their sex drive and horniness. I think that's what got the best of my ex; a piece of ass. Sad, but true.

Anywhoo, getting rid of the fog of lust can really help you determine what you need to do as a person rather than a horn-dog. Lust can make you think and do very strange things...you began to build a life with that person that's born out of some unusual desire to constantly have sex. You see them as a means to an end; a way to satiate your carnal desires whenever you want to.

But sex is far too special a journey for that and we (especially gay men) throw it around so willy nilly sometimes.

Well, I'm beginning to see some of the drawbacks of indiscriminate intimacy and maybe, just maybe, gay men aren't as good at separating intimacy from sex, the thought from the act.

So I shall continue my Lexapro; mainly because of my dysthymia and secondary seasonal affective disorder, but also because of it's side effect that's saving my life. God is good...

A lil Catholic magic...

2011-02-14T21:27:00.003-05:00

There is something about the tonality of a Catholic chorus that just gets me everytime. This particular ditty was written by a Catholic priest. Haunting and mysterious and (of course) gorgeous.

Gregorio Allegri: Miserere Mei (Psalm 51) Motet for Chorus performed by Adrian Lucas.

I can't wait to afford more music like this. :) And then share it with everyone I know.

"The best thing a man can do for his culture when his is rich..."

I can't figure out what to do...

2011-02-07T22:46:00.001-05:00

I'm so lost.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do.

What can I do?

What do I do?

I'm confused.

Me: I can't believe it...

2011-01-30T21:27:00.002-05:00

Everyone assures me that I'm a great guy. Talented, good looking, funny, compassionate, intelligent, athletic, sexy, dependable, optimistic, outgoing. It comes from all around, friends, family, associates, acquaintences. It's not gratuitous; I'm not one to solicit comments or feedback unless I think something's wrong.

So why, why can't I believe it?

I feel like a loser. As if I've never done a good thing for myself or anyone in my whole life. I feel aimless and unmotivated, two characteristics that I can't stand in most people; now I have it in spades.

What is it about Luke and my relationship that peeled back this layer? When I think about it, Luke didn't CAUSE any of this; it was already there. The breakup just unearthed it and now I have to look into it and survive the experience.

I feel needy. And deceitful towards my own self. I feel like I can't trust myself anymore; I let me latch on to someone and the result was beautifully catastrophic. I don't want this to ever happen again, but I also know that this is tragically fun.

Lively death. Deathly life. Oxymorons but that's what we live in.

Simply complex. Complexly simple.

Odd, but I don't know that the same applies to love and hate; they are, in fact, two mutually exclusive entities. There's no such thing as a hateful love or a loving hate.

I don't hate Luke. I love Luke.

Hmph..

Me: Much chagrin, but it's progress...

2011-01-29T01:26:00.003-05:00

I hate being alone. I hate that this relationship didn't work out. But it was for the best.

Because I needed to face these demons. I needed to come to grips with my insecurities: feeling like an imposter, like the faggoty, black-hating, dumb-but-lucky, superficially confident, fiscally irresponsible, cross eyed punk that I am.

Now is my chance to learn to love it.

I laugh and ache when I think about how Luke had once said that I am strong. I'm not strong. I wasn't strong for the Reign of Calvin. I still am not as comfortable being out as I want to be. I still feel like I'm hated. And he insinuated that I could survive anything...I hang on by a string some days, literally dreading the idea of getting out of bed and trying to help others solve their problems. Apparentlyl I do a decent job; everyone keeps coming back.

But it only serves to make the feeling worse.

I think the only place where people are being strict is dance class. As much as I don't need to have something else on my plate, at least there, people are straightforward with me and tell me that I suck. Sure, it just feeds into my negative schema of myself, but when that's all you got, that's all ya got. :)

Right now, I want to enjoy this misery. Rejoice in the level of energy and commitment it takes to feel this bad. Swallow and soak in the sorrow and tears. Who knows when this time may ever come again...

Gay: Tic it on out...

2011-01-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

So lately I've been in a mind-fuck because I keep thinking that I shouldn't be thinking about Luke. Emphasis on "shouldn't" because that's one of those words in psychiatry that we feel creates judgement and makes people feel obligated which causes distress.

Mareen has helped me realize that instead of saying "shouldn't" why not use "it would be nice to." In this case, "it would be nice if I didn't think about him all the time." She then helped walk me through the fact that, no, I don't in fact think about him all the time....or even all that much. But because I'm so concerned about how much I may or may not be thinking of him, I wear myself out.

Her suggestion: get my brain on my side. Stop fighting and go with the flow. Think about him. Devote some time and really concentrate on everything about him. Then get up and do something else. Her hypothesis is that as time goes along, I'll think about him less and less.

I know it to be true.

He thinks of me less and less...because he has someone and I don't. Thus Fraser can be a great distractor in that regard. I have time to sit and think because I have time to sit and think. This weather is actually complicating the whole picture and making it worse for me. Again, I don't have a warm body in bed with me at night. I don't have someone to cook with, to ask how their day was. I don't have someone to shower with, to eat breakfast with.

He left me. He left me.

The move will not only be cathartic but cleansing. The Purge will be amazing in itself; I'm wondering if I can pull it off. The Move will seal the deal. In Texas, there is no Luke. And if I choose, I can wipe him from my memory for the rest of my life...it's far easier when there is nothing to jog the memory...think of it as the high school years, or some of the college years.

Til then, I find a quiet place to tic about Luke. Until the anxiety is lessened. Then I get up, dust off, and go about my day until I need to let the attack resurface. But as Pema and Spezzano attest, running from this won't help. I must lean into it and explore what I can while I have it.

Me: Wants and needs...

2011-01-20T23:14:00.003-05:00

What am I looking forward to the most in my move to Texas?

1. New beginning: I can't wait to "start over." I can reinvent myself...likely for the last time since I may end up working at this job for a really long time. No more drama, less baggage, more me time.

2. New place: though I loathe to admit it, I'm thinking of renting an apartment for 6 months. It'll be kinda cool to be all of 5 minutes from work. That way I can run home if I ever forgot anything or can't stand to use the bathroom at work :)

3. Less stuff: I've amassed alot of material goods while I've been here. And as Luke and I learned during my time in Edinburgh, "you don't need alot of stuff to be happy...so don't go buying all that superfluous bullshit that don't mean anything." I'm actually kinda excited to have an empty apartment with just a bed, desk, bookcase, and some kitchen stuff. Minimalistic.

4. Music: I think I'll hold off for a little while with joining a singing group. Instead I plan on taking up the guitar and truly throwing myself into learning at least one instrument. I wonder if I'll be able to play and sing at the same time...dancing and singing is daunting, so who knows. :)

5. Recaptured spirituality: between the Pema Chodron and Spezzano, I'm really digging Eastern thought and the importance of centering oneself and living in the moment. Being near Austin will facilitate this, I hope.

6. Mexican food. Nuff, said.

Me: Parenting...

2011-01-20T22:47:00.003-05:00

No kids.

Yet.

I can and still would have kids with Luke.

But not on my own.

Why?

Single parents are doubly amazing. But I don't want to raise my kids alone. It's simply to daunting of a task.

For instance, today I saw my 14 y/o ODD/ADHD kid who's Mom is a bit stringent sometimes. Today, she broke down and told me about the 15 y/o sister's possible diagnosis of cancer. My 14 y/o was shocked as this was his first time hearing it. Mom's stress was also being misdirected towards him, making him more on edge and causing them to argue.

Or think about the fact that when kids get sick, there are snow days, or they simply refuse to go to school. Or the fact that they must be fed, preferably on time. Or that they must be clothed, but they continue to outgrow what you buy. Or that they become independent people with time and they may develop personalities that you don't even like. Or that they may get cancer and suffer. Or that they may take risks that end up very positive (athletics) or very negative (injuries.)

Am I up to the challenge? Not now. Not alone.

I'm becoming okay with being the rich uncle to my hordes of nephews and nieces. That way I can influence from afar and still sleep, eat, play, dream, plan, cry, sing, shout, and love when I want to.

Where did this come from? It's a change of paradigms...Luke helped cause it. I keep learning more and more about myself from this whole experience...

Me: Once again, the magic of music...

2011-01-16T16:26:00.003-05:00

I have two more amazing clips to note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjZ0SRD5EOs&NR=1&feature=fvwp

And the second is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUVtqm_SgA4&feature=related

It's a song I first hauntingly heard at Junior High East from the concert choir. I didn't know the melody would stick in my craw for years to come. The first link is the master class of classically kinda singing. The second is a slightly more modern version, but still beautiful in it's own right. What the men of Chanticleer do is just amazing. Truly amazing.

It helps remind me that the world is more than my misery.

Me: The Rich Gay Uncle...

2011-01-15T16:00:00.003-05:00

After Luke, I'm taking a reprieve from serious relationships and serious life plans. My latest change is the want and need to have children.

When I was in a stable relationship, daunting tasks like having and raising kids did not seem daunting. I saw the instability of families I ran across at work as a challenge. Now that I'm single, having kids has become the worst idea ever. Lol. Don't get me wrong; I love children and I feel that my calling is helping others care for the next generation.

But not by myself.

So instead, I think my life plan has changed a bit. I'm going to get out of educational debt within 3 years, credit card debt in 2 years, and become the jet-setting single rich uncle to my nephews and nieces. And I mean ALL of my nephews and nieces, including those children of my closest friends whom I feel are family.

Like Miles, Aubrey, Adam, etc.

The advent of the MeatMarkets makes things easier from the sexual release perspective...and since right now I have no vested interest in being in a relationship, I might as well have as much fun as I can, right?

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Me: Another great song...

2011-01-08T11:09:00.001-05:00

Simple and pure. This piece is another treasure that popped up on Pandora. It reminds me of walking through the woods, taking in the smells, the sights, the sunlight streaming down through the canopy.

Ah...

Gymnopedie for Piano No. 1: Gynmnopedi No. 1 by Erik Satie.

Me: No more Christmas at home...

2010-12-29T22:06:00.002-05:00

At least for a while...

I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home this year. I don't know if I was running from the Luke situation or the cold or my life and denial of what's happening to me. Who really knows.

I spent 1000 bucks that I didn't have to travel down and be with my whole family after a 4.5 year hiatus. And we had a great time. We ate, we talked, we drank, we played games, we slept, we reconciled, we built on the future.

But I've had enough. My Mom is tearing our family apart. And for someone who already hates Christmas and the commerciality and superficiality of it all, I just have no tolerance for bullshit. Especially cold bullshit. So I think next year, if I'm on Christmas, I'm heading south to the Bahamas or some place warm, inclusive, and wonderful.

This does not mean, however, that I won't be without the love of Christmas music. Music seems to be becoming more and more of what I need to heal my broken heart and torn soul. I found this compilation that includes quite possibly, my favorite Christmas song ever. It's called "Baby what You Gonna Be?" by Natalie Sleeth. I sang it in 7th grade and haven't forgotten it since.

It's beautiful when it's done correctly and therein lives it's true beauty because it's one of the hardest songs for a choir to sing and sing well. Trust me, I've lived through it twice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnPxBpYY5z0

Listen, absorb, smile, weep. Life is good...

Me: I puked...

2010-12-16T23:54:00.001-05:00

After over 10 fucking years (more likely 15 plus), I puked.

I spewed chili everywhere. And worse; it's gonna freeze. It's gonna fucking freeze in front of my goddamned house.

Ain't that something.

I drank too much.

First time this has ever happened that I puked from it.

I do feel a bit better though I'm still inebriated.

I miss Luke.

I want Luke.

I hate Luke.

All at the same time.

I need sleep. :(

Me: Serious procrastination...

2010-12-07T20:42:00.002-05:00

It's kinda getting ridiculous actually.

This breakup and heartbreak have derailed me even more than I imagined. I was already feeling senioritis, nervous about jobs, confused about my future, etc...then this came along and threatened to capsize the whole damn boat.

But yet I'm still here, bobbing along.

I find that now, more than ever before, I am truly living in the moment because I really don't know what the future will hold. In talking to Moe, she made me realize that some of the strongest relationships come after the couple breaks up and they realize they can't live without the other. I don't know if Mr. Baggins would ever come back; it would be inspiring and heartbreaking all at once if he did.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to gather my strength and resolve to get shit done. I'm slowly getting better at it. Lol, as my appetite improves, so does my will. But I've noticed that I often lack a "taste" for things. It's kinda like what you feel like eating...lol, in other words, it's the black folks way of saying they have a food preference.

Since he left, I haven't had a taste. And so I walk around, just skirting from moment to moment, eating for sustenance but not necessarily for pleasure.

It's odd.

I met and went on a date with a nice Indian fella. I'll blog about him later. But needless to say, in the past, I would've jumped on this opportunity to tickle my palate. Yet I'm not jumping. In fact, there are times where I dread it because I don't want to let him down. Fortunately, he seems to be an easy going fella and since he has never dated anyone, this shouldn't be too difficult. :)

I miss JL in a more mature way now. I'm sorta glad that he did this because I wouldn't have normally felt this emotion or this way about him. It gives me hope that if he never comes back, I can live with it. And if he does come back, I could (possibly) live with that too; all depends on where he is with things.

In the meantime, I sing my songs, I cry, I live, I thrive. I smile...life is good.

Me: Fairy Tales...

2010-12-05T20:11:00.002-05:00

I just had the craziest thought. What if, in true Hollywood fashion, Luke came home this December for good. He gets home, sees his family, starts crying realizing what he's done and they wisk him onto the next flight to Houston. He rents a car, drives up to Lufkin and surprises the family. I return home from running the streets to find my ex-fiance.

We embrace. We cry. We reconcile.

Awww...ain't it cute.

It won't happen. But it was fun to pretend. Lol, right now, Luke is so far trapped in his own world, he can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) can see where this is going for him. Except, of course, him. Dating young guys is a bad idea. Especially young guys who aren't established when (for all intents and purposes) you are. That just leaves the door completely open for a divergence of opportunities and dreams. It's also a bad idea because young guys like to look elsewhere. Lol, hell, even older single guys like to look elsewhere. I think there's a golden period between 30 and 50 where most gay guys are at the peak; when they won't settle and they're very serious about when they do.

I've found the older guys are just as ingratiating as some of the younger ones because they are constantly trying to mold people into what they want them to be.

In any case, every single day I am learning that I have no control over anything but myself. I dictate my happiness and misery. No one else does.

I still miss Luke something fierce but I have to move on, though I might as well be trying to move a fucking mountain. Love is so splendidly fucked up.

Me: Neverending story...

2010-11-30T21:32:00.005-05:00

When I think about my last relationship, I still have mixed emotions...mostly strongly on the "I'm over that" spectrum, but also on the "I miss you" spectrum because of the way it ended, with lies and deceit. I ran across a quote today though that sums up most of why I still cry:

"I cried today...not because I miss you...or even wanted you...but because I realized I'm gonna be alright without you."

Amen!

Or this quote:

"I don't know which I would rather believe: that you never did care or that you eventually stopped."

Or this quote:

"I would have followed him to hell if he asked me to and with all he put me through, maybe I just did."

Or this one:

"Relationships are like glasses. If they break, let them stay broken, you'll only hurt yourself trying to fix it. At least the pieces still remain."

I know that this too will pass; in fact, it's probably time for me to look back through my blog and remind myself that I've been through this before and came out a stronger person.

Me: Late nights are the hardest...

2010-11-27T23:43:00.003-05:00

I know that I'm more emotional at night. Maybe that's the time when my defensive synapses start slowing down and shutting off. I can recall many a night where I had heartfelt conversations about crazy things. Where I felt truly in sync with my fellow man when the moon was at it's apex.

So it's really no suprise that I cry more about my last relationship when I'm staying up later than I should. Ultimately, it'd be good to be in bed by 10:30 like I plan. But on weekends and when I'm feeling really saucy, I push the limit.

The result comes in rivers down my face and around the angle of my jaw. It is these times when I miss him the most. Where I feel like a piece of me is missing that I can't replace.

I try and lean into the hurt, to savor the loss because it means I loved so strongly. And for that I am still very proud.

The story is not done; I have lots of life to live (maybe). Feelings are good...right?

Me: Awesome song...

2010-11-26T13:47:00.001-05:00

Damn Cee-Lo, you brought it!

:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

The "clean" version just doesn't do it any justice.

Me: The Money issue...

2010-11-23T21:14:00.002-05:00

I almost wish money didn't exist.

My latest "conundrum" is a good one. I stand to make a very good salary with this new job. Way above the 6 figures that I thought I'd be making. But I want someone to share it with. In particular, I want to share it with the person with whom I shared my "poor" times. Someone who understands the value of a dollar and spends it wisely. We invest and save appropriately but never allow ourselves to go without.

We care for our kids and their futures as well. We take trips. We enjoy life.

But he's currently in a personal crisis of his own. Which is why he goes out of his way not to talk to me. Lol, it he didn't care about me, he and I could be friends. But I know he feels guilty...hell, I feel guilty and I didn't really do much to mess this relationship up. Yeah, I'm pushy, but what else is new. :)

I'm scared of being out there and making money because I'll never know if I can trust whoever is around...unless they're making as much as I am. But how will I know they're salf of the earth kinda folks that I'd like? I'm thinking if they give to charity and volunteer their time, we're off to a good start. But we'll see.

Oh boo bear, why'd you have to go and have your (appropriately timed) midlife crisis right now? :) Love you and miss you something fierce!

Me: A bit of a conundrum...

2010-11-22T18:35:00.003-05:00

So my boo bear is still coming home and at first, I wasn't planning on seeing him. Lol, actually, it's not my decision at all actually. It's his call. But in any case, he comes home on a Thursday and I'm leaving on a Saturday. I just booked my ticket and it dawned on me, it would be really nice for someone to take me to the airport. He, theoretically, would be the perfect choice. My flight leaves at 5:50am which to him would be something like 10 am, so he probably wouldn't be sleeping well anyway.

But all of this means I have to see him. Which, for some reason, I feel more calm about. I was freakin' out there for a while. But since I made that decision, I've grown alot...and suffered alot. And while it might not be a good idea to see him one last time, this may also be the last time I ever see him. Lol, but I'm sooooo nervous. I'm afraid he'll give me that cold detached look that he did over Skype. But I've lived through it once and I think I can do it again.

Besides, it saves me about a hundred bucks! I know, it's a small amount while potentially setting me back months of emotional healing, but it would be a nice reprieve since I'm spending so much money on this friggin' trip.

More'n likely, my Mr. Baggins feels so guilty he won't go for this plan at all. Lol, poor guy. I feel so bad for him. I never thought I would love someone like him...now I can't believe I'm going through this. But things "are what they are"...unless you change it. :)

Me: Tough time...

2010-11-20T22:31:00.003-05:00

Nothing's wrong with me.

I need to keep chanting that mantra. I'm a really good guy; I just tend to wear my feelings on my sleeves. I should try and protect my silly heart but that goes against who I am.

I keep trying to tell myself to move on. To stop thinking about him. But in doing so, I (again) go against my nature which causes me to feel more stressed out.

I'm really having a tough time with this. I really am.

The pain will subside at some point. And it dawned on me that I won't be able to date anyone until then. Hell, even having sex is awkward and unfulfilling.

Starting tomorrow, I spend less time on the computer, I work out regularly, I start meditating. I'm trying to force myself to lean into my pain. To truly just let it wash over me while I enjoy the ability to feel and emote.

I know something good will come of all this.

Like I told myself so many years ago while I sat in the tub, scared of my inner attraction to boys:

"It will get better because it HAS to."

Concentrate on improving yourself and everything else will work itself out.
I need to read more.
Spend less time on the internet.
Exercise regularly.
Eat on a schedule.
Study.
Meditate.
Don't feel guilt or regret; love him from afar and take things at face value. No deep thoughts, no collateral.

Me: Airports are not my forte

2010-11-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

For some strange reason, coming to the airport brings out the worst in me. Even when the day is overall going smoothly, I just hate being amongst a huge throng of humanity that I don't know. I also think it's because I feel so powerless.
I think it's also think it's because I a inherently opposed to being treated like cattle which is essentially what we are. I don't see how anyone can make this experience more pleasant other than to just make sure you have someone you are consistently travelling with.
Ah well, here's to good travels and a successful interview!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: More music...

2010-11-14T22:55:00.002-05:00

I am loving the Pandora station that I've created that plays classical. Some of it is terrif! Some, not so much. But all in all, I've only nixed one song out of dozens.

I wanted to "jot" this one down before I forgot:

Bach: Brandenburg Concertos 1-3, Brandenburg Concerto No.2, in F Major, Mwv 1047: I. Allegro performed by Berlin Chamber Orchestra

Very straightforward chords and strings. :)

Me: From the Crackberry

2010-11-14T16:52:00.001-05:00

So this is my first blog from my Blackberry and I must admit, the idea of actually writing things as I think about them is pretty novel...and fun! We'll have to wait and see how much I actually use it though.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: Time for a Change...

2010-11-14T16:24:00.002-05:00

A true change.

So I fell into a rut. A pretty good one, actually. The last 5 years have been amazingly educational. I've truly had some highs and some terrible lows.

And now I'm going to change that. It starts right now.

Luke, thank you for helping me do this.

India.arie and Fantasia, y'all were helpful too.

I will be more responsible. I will be bold and loving. I will love myself first and foremost.

It begins now. I plan to blog more often because this should be fun! :)

Me: Back and better...

2010-11-11T14:41:00.002-05:00

Luke and I didn't make it over our first major hurdle. Lol, he hit it and decided to take some time off the racetrack. I wasn't exactly ready to let him, but I realize I had to. :) I commend him for being the stubborn almost overly cold person he was during the breakup. To tell you the truth, he acted more in our best interests than I did. Because I couldn't stand to NOT talk to him.

But I'm giving up on that part. Note, I'm not giving up on loving him...because I can't stop loving him. But I've loved people before and in time, I forget them. I'll remember the faint good things but the romantic feelings will subside. I see that now.

I've learned alot. He taught me that I need to have a husband who knows how to cook and wants me as their sous chef. He introduced me to a wealth of music I would have not been exposed to. He taught me to let my guard down. He helped me reconnect with my ability to cry and to love myself despite (0r because of) it.

I'm going for my first job interview Monday; if everything works out well, I'll be possibly heading to Central Texas. How cool with that be! :)

I also have a nice friend who's been so willing to fulfill the need that Luke is leaving behind. So far, we're just friends and I have NO intention of dating anyone for probably the next full year. I'm beginning to enjoy single life again and it's not some "bane" to my existence.

Stand tall, bip2, and smile. God isn't finished with you yet. :)

Me: A great song...

2010-10-16T12:00:00.003-04:00

So someday, I'll find a way to afford to go to concerts and symphonies and buy lots of awesome classical music. One to add:

Maurice Ravel: Pavane pour une infante defunte, for piana (or orchestra).

Stunning. Absolutely stunning. :)

Another by my favorite: Gabriel Faure called "Pavane, for Orchestra & Chorus Ad Lib in F Sharp Minor, Op. 50." Faure is just amazing...

Me: Age Appropriate

2010-09-06T21:30:00.002-04:00

I'm constantly now being reminded of my age.

I have this uncanny knack for taking on big projects because I believe I have the zeal I did when I was 23. I drastically underestimate people and hurdles to jump over because I feel that since Im a bit wiser, I should be as nimble as I once was.

But I'm learning time and again that this is simply not the case.

For instance, I put my house on the market thinking that it would simply sell itself. It didn't.

I bought workout DVDs thinking it'd be hella easy to start and maintain. It wasn't.

I fell in love with the perfect guy who is now living an ocean away.

I work my ass off, doing things my way because it's more efficient. Sometimes, it just bites me in the ass.

I stood up for my rights and for what I thought was right. The brass at work shun me.

So overall, things are pretty unhelpful. I was gonna say "shitty" but that would connote that I feel bad about my life. Overall, I still have a great life and for that, I shouldn't complain. Instead, I bide my time until the next phase of my life: post-residency. It's gonna be a wild ride!

Black Professional: A Village

2010-06-01T20:46:00.003-04:00

It's been a dream of mine for a while.

The goals of this project: to create a web village, full of mastercraftsmen and apprentices, that exchange advice on a variety of topics affecting the African-American community.

The logistics are sorta simple: it's an amalgamation of the admission requirements of Sermo, the forum capabilities and moderators of TelevisionWithoutPity, the vision of Bill Cosby, the sage perspectives of the Elder Wisdom Circle and the black people of urban and rural America.

The website will focus on recruiting young black men and women in an effort to "jumpstart" their experience with the professional world.

The site will consist of two entities: the Neighborhood, and The Village Forum

The Neighborhood is an assortment of succinct pages that are updated often. Within the pages, there will be links to various other "peer reviewed" websites and articles of interest to the up-and-coming Black professional. The Neighborhood is meant to be short and enticing to everyone who visits, which should prompt them to submit their CV/resume to The Village Forum.

The Village Forum is where the magic happens. Here, people will log in under their username, which will be a derivation of their names. Like Sermo, each partipant will have a designation, either "professional" or "apprentice".

Like TelevisionWithoutPity, the forum has endless possibilities but will be closely monitored for abuse. Solicitation will be strictly forbidden; this site is not a BlackPlanet or Match.com or CareerBuilders. In fact, there can be links to places such as this (which could garner financial contributions.)

Ultimately, I think of our village as a place where the successful in all walks of life have ready access to serious individuals who are looking for guidance and advice. I hope the Neighborhood will serve to nurture human thought and compassion and truly elevate the discourse between our young and old, our gay our straight, our rich our poor, our successful and struggling, our educated and less educated.

No other site that I have found fulfills such an ambitious goal. But I'm cautiously optimistic that this will work. I just need to sit down and write out a business plan and figure out funding.

Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. :)

Gay: Incumbents...

2010-05-18T22:56:00.002-04:00

To this day, I'm still not certain why anyone would feel that I am a second class citizen despite me fulfilling my role as a responsible American citizen.

I'm constantly getting bombarded by emails to call my senator or representative to push them to end discrimination and support ENDA. I'm all for this. I'm just still surprised that I have to work this hard to get someone to acknowledge that I exist, WHEN they ask me for their votes in getting them to where they are.

It's a fascinating catch-22.

Lately I haven't been impressed with Congress and overall, I'm still not. They're dragging their feet on issues that shouldn't be placed on the back burner. Nah, I'm not an anarchist...but I don't like bullshit and I don't approve of people treating other people like shit.

So let's see what the fall holds; I just hope clear thinking people get elected/remain in office. The President can only do so much...

Me: Another time of change...

2010-05-17T20:07:00.003-04:00

God, this is harder than I ever imagined.

I dreamed of a day when I would amass a certain conglomeration of things, like great friends, sustainable financial stream, a well respected job, the man of my dreams.

I have all those things, yet I balk.

Why do I balk?

What am I missing?

I have to find out what I'm doing wrong. I have to find out what will click for me. I wish I could remember when things stopped "clicking" for me. Sometime in the last 3 years, my memory became poor, my spirit was assaulted, and I became a weird guy. I don't like that.

I constantly find myself lost in thought, longing for things that aren't healthy for me. Wanting to be in the forefront of opinion and popularity. To have even more power, more friends.

When all in all, what I have now is what I longed for growing up. Simple. Easy.

Again I ask: what has happened to me.

I need to get it back before I fuck everything up, inadvertently...

Me: Cyclical...

2010-05-16T23:41:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how it happens.

I remember sitting down and being able to write stories. Creative stories that would blow your mind. Stories that won awards and that showed how much I loved the art of writing and storytelling.

I remember singing. I would sing whenever I got a chance. I joined groups, I bought music, I even tried to play it by ear on our electronic Yamaha keyboard. Lol, I would use this awesome record feature to try and weave together choir songs from high school. Lord I was a geek. Looking back, I remember how private it was, me plucking away at the keyboard, having the tones resonate with my soul.

During med school, I felt my well roundedness start to slip a little, but I was still able to sing and be creative. Living with Leslie would do that to anyone. But I took the time to play volleyball and connect with humans. I didn't resent people solely for their illnesses or my perceived notion that they caused their own suffering.

I held on to my humanity through a couple months into residency.

And then my life changed forever.

And I want my old life back.

Every now and again, I get glimpses of who I used to be. Hanging out with my friends here remind me of my family. Teej, Becca, Drew, Linds, Catherine, Ragaboo, Stewart, A Rod, Jo, Vas...they're all amazing.

Singing with Another Note has served the same purpose. It connects me to something more. I've had the pleasure of singing amazing music with amazing people. The chords and melodies will live with me for the rest of my life.

And I have the partner/husband/fiance of my dreams.

But I keep slipping into a funk. Somehow I allow myself to resume an old pity party. To feel sorry for myself. To get angry at the flaws of others. To paraphrase Pink, "don't let me get me, I'm my own worse enemy; it's bad when you annoy yourself."

I need to break the cycle.

When I come out of my funks, I realize that no one is worse for wear except for me. The house is a mess, I begin to get angry at myself for letting things fall into disarray.

This is not how I wish my life to be.

So I'm going to work to make sure it's not.

I have great friends, great family, great partner, great job, great health.

I will strive to appreciate them on a daily basis.

Lol, maybe I'll even get back into church someday....

....

....

Great Quotes...

2010-03-20T11:26:00.001-04:00

I'm not even sure where I got this sheet of paper, but it was on my refridgerator and I am planning on recycling the paper. Here goes:

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

4. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

6. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

7. I've leanred that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

My First Crush...

2010-03-20T11:24:00.003-04:00

Lol, so it turns out his name was Scott Marcotte. And he's now a Chief of Police. He used to be my DARE instructor in the 5th grade and it just tore me up to see all the 5th grade girls crawling all over him. I was sooo jealous. I think I may have even written him a letter saying that he should never talk to me again. Damn, in retrospect, it was kinda crazy. I hope he's forgotten and I'm glad I never turned into one of those people.

YIKES!

Me: More Writer's Block...

2009-12-02T20:49:00.002-05:00

I'm amazed at my ability to procrastinate when I KNOW I'm supposed to be doing something of merit. But the super hard part about right now is that I'm obviously trying to distract myself from the fact that BooBear isn't here and that I've never really come out of my funk.

So I'm doing things I know I shouldn't do (bad bip2!) but I can't seem to stop it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Pathetic.

I'll work harder at it.

Me: Love is tough...

2009-07-13T22:22:00.002-04:00

Lordamercy...

The emotional rollercoaster that love takes you on is always changing and turning. I'm glad I wasn't overly naive as to think it'd be smooth sailing, but I was still naive enough to not realize how tricky it could be.

Luckily, I'm with a great guy who seems to love me as much as I love him. The only real hard thing for me is what to do with his situation.

I know that "everyone has something" that they have to deal with, but I've specifically kept as little baggage around my waist as humanly possible in the hopes of finding that someone. I don't like to burden others, per se, so I keep it light.

He, on the other hand, has some big conundrums to deal with and I want to help him, but it's one of those things that if I help him and push him either here or there, he could easily resent me for years to come. And I don't want to be the endpoint of something that could lead to righteous fury.

So in turn that means I must wait. I must bide my time and bite my lip, though there are lots of things about it that make me jealous and sad and happy and torn.

It's a cluster, to say the least.

But he's worth it. He's really worth it. A guy of this caliber doesn't come along often.

*sigh* what to do, what to do...

Professional: Goddamn sacrifices...

2009-07-09T20:57:00.001-04:00

Ugh.

Once again, the nuances of progress and self-improvement through career plagues me again. This time, it's gonna put a strain and stress on one of the most important and amazing relationships I've ever had.

Fate is a fickle bitch indeed.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

Black: Do You Love Me?

2009-06-17T22:25:00.002-04:00

So I brought up the race issue today just so that my mind is clear. JL is a stunningly handsome man who just happens to be white. I asked him today if it bothered him to be with a black guy. He mentioned that it might be interesting if he takes me home and (because he's wonderful) asked me if I would be comfortable there. I have no trouble with that in the least.

I also reassured him that he would be welcomed at my home in East Texas as well.

But I had this need to ask and need to know that we could be okay racially. I guess it just goes to show how much I still need to work on this and make it make sense to me.

But he's willing to have me and I'm willing to love him for the rest of my life.

While the cliche is becoming more and more true everyday, I can still see that he's a white man. But the difference is he a man that I love more than myself; that supercedes anything else I could ever dream of. JL has this way of making me think that the honeymoon will never end...

Me: In love?

2009-06-16T11:07:00.002-04:00

Yup, whouda thunk it.

We first encountered one another on June 1, 2009 at a meeting of like minds, hoping to form a GLBT friendly group on the hospital campus. I recall sitting across from a very good looking fella, but knew that we likely had nothing in common other than the fact that we were both at a meeting.

There are finer details, but suffice it to say, he agreed to come over to watch Legally Blonde the Musical.

On June 8, 2009, he came over and we watched half of the musical. That's when I first learned we had lots in common. I shook his hand, he hugged me. It was one of the most genuine hugs I've ever had in my life.

We emailed back and forth via Facebook, but never really said anything of consequence. Neither of us is very good at overt flirting.

On June 12, 2009, after coming home from the Peds Roast with thoughts of him on my mind, we talked for 3-4 hours via Facebook and we discovered we were soulmates.

On June 13, 2009, he visited me on call and I've never had as good a call day as that. He is amazing and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

On June 15, 2009, we cried together in his lab while he passed electrical stimulation through rat brain tissue. He called us renaissance men. Truer words have never been spoken.

On June 16, 2009, he called me and reported that he was no longer with his partner. The real beginning of our lives is now upon us.

I have never felt so content in my whole life. Yes, I am prone to hyperbole, but this time is different. My life will be different. And I'm not going to take a second of it for granted.

Black: Too Much Sun...

2009-06-07T22:17:00.003-04:00

So lately I've been reminded that spending time in the sun makes you blacker.

I spent this whole weekend playing kickball and I have lots to show for it, including sore muscles, achy body, and darker skin.

Today, while sitting on the Time's patio, I actually had the thought "I need to get in the shade cuz I don't want to get any darker." That insinuates that there's something wrong with being darker, and I immediately felt bad and ashamed of myself. I don't mind my color; this variation of statement is a long time coming, because for a long while, it felt like a curse.

But now, I'm getting comfortable with being black and knowing who I am and what I want and what I can achieve if I put my mind to it.

Yet, all that was thrown in the air when I thought about the repercussions of me getting some UVA and UVB lights to warm my skin and make more Vitamin D.

Funny how some of our internalized racism can just pop up whenever it wants :/

Gay Professional: Pride Festival...

2009-06-07T22:13:00.002-04:00

So for the first time, I'll really be putting my sexuality out in public for all to see.

I'm slated to lead a song for our chorus at the local pride festival. This'll be only the second year that it's going on and I'm potentially leading a chorus of not-overly-closeted guys in renditions of songs that I've sung before.

Daunting?

My main hesitation (though no matter what, I think it's important for me to do this) is because not everyone knows I'm gay. I'm sure there'll be some backlash in a sense. But I'm not exactly sure how the fallout will...well, fall.

And one large unspoken factor for me is that I do have a pediatrics component to my training...well, let's just wait and see what happens, shall we?

Black Gay: Older Men...

2009-06-07T21:43:00.002-04:00

I have found that older men have a striking quality about them that is not only attractive, but it's secure and refreshing.

I just met a guy recently and we've been on a couple dates. He's 15 years my senior but doesn't look it at all. He works out regularly and grooms himself to a T. While I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, it's nice to be able to go out with someone who knows how to handle himself.

And sexually...well, I don't know what to say other than wow.

It's interesting to me though that I am the first black guy he's ever gone out with. He says that he's thought about it alot and has always wanted to. We had even met before on the MeatMarket but never hooked up (which in retrospect I am really really glad for.) And from what he tells me, his family is quite the racist group of folks...it'll be interesting if things work out between us and we happen to be together for a while.

Let's see what happens...

Me: End of the Line?

2009-05-21T00:42:00.002-04:00

Caring just gets you into more and more trouble with yourself.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you do to other folks. What you cure, what you fuck up, what you advocate for or against. What matters is what you do for and to yourself.

And I'm having a hard time figuring out why I put myself into icky conundrums.

I can't cry anymore...and I'm not gonna hold back punches.

I have nothing much to lose, especially when I loathe my actions so much so that I've become numb and angry all the time.

And afraid.

And weird.

I'm not like that..."I'm" being the real me. I love life. I want to live it. There's so much to list that I won't even go into. So why am I this icky person? Where'd he come from?

I dunno but something's gotta change...

Me: Constant Reminders...

2009-05-10T00:18:00.004-04:00

No matter where I am in this great state, I'm constantly reminded that I'm different.

But I didn't feel that way in Dallas last weekend.

Is it me? My environment? My social support/friends?

I'm not totally sure, but I do feel that things may be totally different after this whole on-line contest thing is over. Burnsy wants me to be on there with shirt off and cheesy grin; I have no desire or plan to do anything of the sort (it goes against everything I am and aspire to be.)

My constant reminder (or cognitive schema if you will) that continuously sounds in the background is 'and who do you think you are?"

No body...but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming...

Me: America's Next Gay Bachelor...

2009-05-06T09:13:00.002-04:00

I'm not that cute.

I'm not that eye-candy-eatable.

But I am normal and comprehensive.

In a very roundabout way, I signed up for a contest whose results will be very interesting. I used to pride myself on "seeing the future" but this is one who's outcome remains a mystery...

I'll write more later, but needless to say, I'm totally out and out of my comfort zone now. I did cherry-pick whom I sent the email notification to but it's now out of my hands and we'll have to see where the chips fall.

*Deep breath*

I'm excited!

Gay: Mr. Kentucky...

2009-05-03T23:13:00.002-04:00

So apparently, I'm Mr. Kentucky!

Who knew?!?!

Lol, I happened to register for a website called MyPartner.com one evening because I was really feeling forlorn about the possibilities of finding that special someone in the middle of nowhere. And by chance, I got an email from a random person nominating me for Americas Next Gay Bachelor (or something akin to that.)

I responded to him in kind, thanking him for something like this but not really putting much stock into it. Turns out, he runs the whole damn thing :)

In any case, I'll take my nomination and run with it...I think. I'm not one to glorify my actions on a physical level (as I don't think I'm that cute...or at least not cute enough to hang with the boys on there.)

But it'll be an interesting exercise either way...in the end, I really should take my message of loving thyself and others further. If this be the medium, so be it.

I am a bit wary of the skeletons I've let out of the closet coming back to haunt me...but I KNOW I have a safe haven in other states, in other lands.

So let's see what happens, shall we? :)

Me: Gotta Move...

2009-05-03T22:59:00.003-04:00

Yeah, my visit to Dallas to see old med school friends was awesome for it's inherent goodness properties of seeing old family and reminiscing with old friends. We partied and ate ourselves into financial distress as always.

And we're setting the foundation for future reunions and playdates as we grow old within the field.

But more importantly, this weekend taught me that I have been shortchanging myself. I've been afraid to tackle my situation head-on and in turn, I've made things worse for me without consciously knowing it.

No, I don't regret my time in horse-land, but it definitely is telling when I can be out and do my thing in a place like Dallas without getting stares or looks. I'm sure places like that have their drawbacks but as of right now, they're awesomely fun to be in.

Horse-land is a place that people would come to settle down...once again, I'm head of my time in this regard. Lol, you'd think a guy would learn, but I'm as hardheaded as they come.

So unless something superb happens, I'll be moving on back down towards more metropolitan areas...where the cultural diversity is teeming with energy. Being in places like B/CS and Temple and Horse-Land have a way of dampening your acceptance of things outside of the norm.

I must actively fight to keep that from happening.

Black: My patients, my patience

2009-04-23T09:01:00.001-04:00

I just finished seeing a patient with whom I could completely commiserate.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this. If I can be objective and detached yet empathetic enough to help others feel better.

Do I truly know what I'm doing????

My patient told a tale that I know too well. Of not having money to make ends meet. Of figuring out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. Of having to be humble and swallow your pride despite having the burning hatred of fire in the pit of your stomach that cries out against God or Fate or whatever being that may be because you simply can't believe that everything bad is coming your way.

Sure, it's probably a huge cognitive distortion. But at the time, psycho-mumbo-jumbo doesn't matter because you're so angry that things have gotten to this point. Some of us (like my patient) turn to substances to address this issue. Other's of us (like me) just turn it all inward and slowly feel pieces of you falling away that you may never recapture.

Damn, psychiatry is taxing.

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Gay: New Meat Market...

2009-04-22T23:14:00.003-04:00

So now Craigslist is in on the action and it's the cheaper (free!) incognito version of MH and A4A which yields itself to all kinds of yuck.

Sometimes things feel too good to be true and in this case, they most definitely are. Yeah, there are nice guys out there, but one's imagination runs rampant when you have words saying those things that get your mojo flowing and no picture to combat a man's imagination.

So when you actually meet these folks, they're not appealing to the eyes. I hate to stereotype but alas, it is so true. The benefits of the other MeatMarkets were that it took effort to sign up and or pay. That keeps things at least at a slightly higher caliber.

But not Craigslist.

And now someone (actually a couple folk) are dead because a med student in Boston chose to meet them and kill them. I don't know what this whole guy's story will be...but he's a seemingly normal white fella who's engaged to be married soon. He took it upon himself to extinguish the life of two or three people he's never met outside of on the internet.

Maybe it was guilt...or self righteousness...I dunno. We'll see.

But what it does tell me is that this website is dangerous and I should stick to my new attempts at self improvement and celibacy.

Here's to me! *drink*

Me: Institutional Coming Out...

2009-04-22T23:08:00.002-04:00

So I'm throwing my hat into the ring as an out and proud gay man.

The new organization that is starting on campus, we've dubbed HOPE, Health Occupation Professionals for Equality. I didn't think it up...but it's awfully catchy and all encompassing.

I'm hoping to recruit more of our wonderful residents into being mentors for the up and coming medical students and advocates for patients who are GLBT. We'll see what response I get. Part of me thinks it's no big deal but I'm in a land where a black man wearing a white coat is still a sight to behold.

The bigger question: am I putting myself at risk? Probably. Actually definately. I just hope that the message and tone are manageable enough for people to stomach. Some of my fellow residents don't know I'm gay and I'm not sure that the message will explicitly say this. But I do know, regardless, that I'll be linked with this group the remainder of the time I'm here.

Again, am I ready for this?

I don't know.

But as I've learned in therapy, being gay may have been my saving grace. I've always thought of it as a shortcoming, something that I've needed to temper and mold and hide. But it kept my mind sharp, my senses honed, and my desire for world peace and understanding afloat...all of which makes me who I am today.

This'll be interesting...let's see what happens!

Black Gay: Craigslist...

2009-04-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

This is a little website adventure that I've recently discovered which I will not let turn into the craziness of the other Meatsites.

But the premise is the same: horny guys finding other horny people. The reverse is true but alas, I do not frequent those pages.

All in all, it's been an interesting little experiment but I'll likely head to other pastures, mainly because I don't have time to do that kinda stuff again. And the emotional fallout from the last time is enough to make me wary.

But it just goes to show that when the hormones get a ragin', there's nothing that can stop 'em. :)

Me: Poor in Every Sense of the Word...

2009-04-14T00:06:00.002-04:00

It sucks....

Why did they have to make a point of pointing out how different we are. People that I considered my closest friends...well, let's just say that they pulled out the stops when trying to wooo others to their cause...

Which I don't really understand. You would think that they would just throw the option out there. But alas, that is not the case. I don't know if they were drunk or what but they made a point of showing just how different we are.

And that begs the question: should I go to Europe with them? Or should I just say that things won't work out and be done with it.

Truth to tell I can't "afford" to go but it's a great opportunity so I may as well. It'd be fun to see what the English live and look like.

What's worse is that they've "fallen from grace." In my terms, that means that they've been held in really high esteem only to be replaced by normal, fallible human beings. Which kinda sucks.

In retrospect, I've been needed to concentrate on myself anyway so this just gives me the opporutnity to do so. Now I can really be introspective without the comments from the peanut gallery.

But once again it happens. I need to process this in therapy. :(

Me: The Story Thus Far...

2009-04-12T13:36:00.002-04:00

I was just downstairs folding clothes and listening to P Diddy's "ode to Biggie" and I began to think: "how has my life been."

And overall, it's been a good ride. Yeah, I went through hell and back, but I've met people and done things that I never thought possible. I'm downloading hours of old video into my computer and one of them was our ski trip to Red River New Mexico. Despite the "friend group" breaking up, at that time, for those moments, life was perfect.

There are lots of those perfect moments that I've shared with others in the past....the residents at the lakehouse, various weddings, reunions, etc.

And I'm a friggin' doctor. People trust me and trust in me to help them feel better.

How fuckin' awesome is that!?!

So I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Being black, gay, and professional is actually a good thing after all...

I love me.

Me: Not A Rarity...

2009-03-20T21:07:00.002-04:00

At least not in D.C.

I've discovered quite a wonderful city. Sure, I've been to D.C. before but I didn't really pay much attention the last time I came. I spent the time worrying about how I would be perceived so I relegated myself to the tourist position.

Don't get me wrong, it was hella fun. I took all kinds of pictures that I need to post. But I didn't really feel like I got a sense of the city.

But during this vacation, I have. And I know that it'll only get better. In fact, there are so many things that I've learned about myself, I'm writing this blog as a reminder to myself that I am not alone in my strengths or my weaknesses. That I am not unique and in this regard, that's a good thing.

I have seen so many black people here who (at least on the surface) are well put together and professional. I have seen many gay folks here who are also awesome. While I didn't see many black gay professionals, I am going to assume that they're here and I know I'm right.

Here's to D.C. The only thing that could've made this trip better would be warm temperatures. There's something about cold that still tempers my excitement for life but I can't let that ruin a week of rest and recuperation.

Salut! Indeed!

Gay: How Soon We Forget...

2009-03-09T22:41:00.002-04:00

It's shocking how fast the news of Chris' death fell away from the limelight.

It's shocking how quickly the realm of psychiatry forgot how it treated it's gay counterparts.

It's shocking how soon after I'm scared to death of a random hookup that I contemplate getting back on the site.

It's shocking how one longs to be in a relationship yet finds any which way to get out of it when it doesn't meet the pre-relationship ideals.

I'd like to think this was part of the human condition but I'm not that naive. No, I think this is more a product of our society.

We live and die by the seat of our pants, barely hanging on to the vestiges of history, dooming ourselves to repeat our mistakes simply because we're not paying attention.

But Fate (the fickle bitch) has a way of turning everything on it's head....

Me: Fight the Feeling...

2009-03-08T22:18:00.003-04:00

So I am actively fighting against finding a boyfriend.

Alot of my day is consumed with thoughts of him. What he looks like, what he does for a living. It's really pathetic and I can't seem to shake it.

Even when I purposefully don't think about it, I think about it. It's a negative spiral that only ends up with me feeling worse. I know...sad.

I'm actively trying to plan my DC trip (a week away) so that I am living in the moment and NOT spending time trying to go to less than savory places. My goal is to experience D.C. as a tourist and I'm going to accomplish that even if I'm a lardass at my casa away from my casa.

Rose informed me that interracial couples there aren't looked upon kindly as it is. Lol, I wish that would deter me but of course it won't. But then again, I'm not looking for love.

I will continue to repeat this mantra daily until after vacation is over with.

I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking.

There, I feel better already! ;)

Professional: Busybodies...

2009-02-24T20:33:00.003-05:00

I don't like them.

These are the folks who can't "mind their own business" and often find various ways to affect yours.

For instance, B-Rad contacted his nurse manager regarding pharmacy orders that really didn't make a damn bit of difference. I spoke with him on the phone. Later I get an email about it from my boss.

So I confront him, respectfully and professionally and ask him never to do that again. Of course my direct and friendly approach scared the shit out of him, but in the end, I think I got my point across.

So what's wrong with someone constructively criticizing me? Nothing. But I have no tolerance for people who sit back and play "Monday Morning Quarterback" when there are those of us who are busting their ass to get stuff done. I would be much less angry and irritated with these types of people if they rolled up their sleeves and were truly team players...

But then they wouldn't have time to be busybodies...

Gay: Social Responsibility...

2009-02-24T20:25:00.002-05:00

Being out is hard. It just is.

The first step of coming out to oneself is difficult enough in itself. Allowing yourself to be known as such is so definitive, so confining. I've always shined away from being "categorized" unless it had positive connotations.

But not being publicly out and active is slowly making me feel more uncomfortable with myself. I almost feel as if I am being untrue when I balk at going to functions or supporting my community in show of extraversion.

Each time that I reach out (or attempt to) I find that the lines of communication have grown cold. Old email sites, old listserves, outdated officers of organizations. Nothing seems alive. I would almost people take down these sites completely, so as not to raise false hope.

But this is my blessing and my curse. Something big will happen for me in these arenas someday and I should be patient.

For instance, I'm flying to D.C. for my first vacation in about 6 years or so...my goal is to see culture and immerse myself in diversity of food, folks, and thought. I have no intention on purposefully limiting myself to gayborhood but instead hope to simply enjoy my time there.

This followed by time in Dallas (which likely I won't seem much gay time) then San Francisco. Again, looking for love is not the goal; instead self improvement should be.

It's hard. Coming out is hard. Not being in a relationship is hard. But I have to remind myself: it's all worth it in the end. Don't settle. Explore. Enjoy. Grow. Breathe.

I dodged the HIV bullet at the 3 month mark; I don't intend to fool around with anyone until the 6 month mark to ensure things turn out okay. We'll see how well I do with purposeful abstinence. :)

Me: Hurtin'...

2009-02-02T20:45:00.002-05:00

I don't know if its the return of the raging allergic rhinitis/pseudosinusitis that's making me ache all over or the crash from putting up a good show for my patients today, but I'm aching. My whole body is hurting, I'm coughing, snotting up a friggin' storm, can't smell much less breathe through my nose, it's cold, I'm bitter and lonely and self defeating and I just want to sleep.

So yeah, I need a vacation.

To make matters worse, I just got word that we're no longer in total control of my bereavement camp and to tell you the truth, I'm fighting mad! Absolutely furious! Once again, fate (the fickle bitch) rears her ugly head and says "for those without money, you will abide by those who do." In this instance, it's a multi-million (if not billion) dollar healthcare franchise who doesn't want to provide insurance coverage for a camp that they've commissioned for the last 10 years.

So now, another group has offered and they've put their point person in charge and let's just say, this is one doctor that doesn't do change.

Now comes the conversation: should I take my vacation day and truly do that: vacation? Or should I potentially spend a week and a shitload of money to be second guessed by someone I know with an odd-work ethic...

It's a clusterfuck.

And it makes the aching even worse...as I sit here and type, all hunched over and old, I wonder what's happening to me? What is it that makes me continue to fall into less than savory places? Sure, I know, it's the whole cursed fate mentality, but damn, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, it ain't an ostrich.

Flonase. Aleve Cold and Sinus. Heat. Sleep. That's what I'll be up to tonight...

Me: A Fraud...

2009-01-29T00:44:00.002-05:00

The following is an email I sent to a medschool friend of mine. No one knew the complete story until now. I copied this email to my other friends here because I had kept them in the dark. What's scarier is what would've or could've happened if the results didn't go my way...and it makes me cry every time... -bip2

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This year has already started off in a very weird way…but I’m coming to terms with it. I started seeing a therapist April 2008 and I could only go once due to my schedule, but it was very beneficial because she helped give me insight into how much I hate residency and how it’s negatively affecting me. Lol, when I gave her just the basic outline of what was going on, she asked, “so why are you still here?” Lol, I ask myself that everyday.

Anywhoo, fast forward to fall of 2008 and you have a very depressed and distressed bip2 who was self deprecating and making lots of poor decisions. In Feb 2008, I was introduced to a (now in retrospect) awful set of websites known as Manhunt.net and later Adam4Adam.com. These were basic “hook up” sites for guys looking to get their rocks off in various capacities. Some were gay, some were married, some were crazy, etc. I was very selective but I would occasionally meet guys (as quality as I could screen after viewing shots of penises and whatnot) for the intention of getting rocks off and releasing sexual tension.

Needless to say, I played very safe because I don’t trust anyone, but there were a few times where I didn’t. Fortunately, I’ve been getting tested every 6 months and things were all negative for me.

Then I had the occasion to meet a guy named J in November who was very engaging on the meat market site and could actually string two words together. By this point, I had stopped hoping for anything meaningful to come out of these types of websites and this was really no different. He wished to play and my mojo was raging so we met at his place and went from there. I asked all the requisite gay man questions: what do you like to do? What are your stats (physical characteristics?) What is your HIV status? My place or yours? He assured me everything was fine and that we’d have a great time.

From the get-go I knew something was up with him. When I arrived outside his very nice house with his Land Rover, I knew he wasn’t the typical ilk that normally played on these sites. I found that a bit surprising but not too much because the range of men I encountered continues to boggle my mind (I try not to think of myself as a whore.) In any case, upon entering his house he seemed “worked up” on something, speaking rapidly and just acting high. I was thinking he was on coke (I’ve seen coked up people before) but no, he was on something different.

We started fooling around like regularly and he was very into it. He worked out a lot from what I could tell and had that ideal body that so many men, especially gay men, strive for. And I thought I was the luckiest man on Earth. Chiseled abs, beautiful lats, pecs that wouldn’t quit, sparkling blue eyes (that were bloodshot but hey, can’t win ‘em all). Anyway, he asked me to “top” him and slapping on a condom, I obliged only to hear in scream out in pain, not because of me (though that’d be awesome) but because he had terrible lube that caused him extreme discomfort.

We tried a couple times, both of our hormones raging by this point, when he says, “screw it, just take the condom off.” In the heat of the moment, I oblige, and after giving it a go for less than a minute he says it’s too uncomfortable (now I feel like a stud) and we stop and instead, finish up the old fashioned way: handjobs.

We clean up and make small talk, neither of us trying to commit to any type of follow up conversation; after all these types of encounters are not meant to be dates. He was still souped up on something so he, of course, showed me all of his modeling pictures and headshots that he’s used for magazine spreads. I act semi interested but only in hopes of getting to the door as soon as possible. I hopped in my Elantra and drove away, sexually satiated and promptly forgot about the escapade.

A month later, I was completing a month of psychiatry consults. Our jobs were basically to run around the hospital like a chicken with our heads cut off and see to any consults that were called from the floor and the ED. I was on with a fellow female colleague whom I love dearly and we’re shooting the shit when we get paged with 2 consults in the ED. We decide to split ‘em up: I’d see the guy who tried to kill himself (reportedly) and she’d see the raging borderline lady who likes to cut.

I mosey on down to the ED where I find that my ex-boyfriend (who’s an ED nurse) is working the trauma bay and, like I always do, I review the chart and get as much quick collateral info from sources as I can before I see the patient. It helps me to sometimes persuade them a little easier with what I’d like to do. Anywhoo, my ex tells me that the guy is “one of us” (meaning gay) and that he seems like a super nice guy who really wants help. I look over at the patient’s labwork to see that he has crystal meth in his system but that otherwise his current labs look okay. “Oh, he’s also HIV positive and he hasn’t been taking his meds,” my ex says to me. “Good lord, another one?” I say, pissed that I was having to waste time trying to convince someone to make good decisions. Doing a cursory review of his hosp history, I found that this isn’t the patient’s first time in the ED and at the last visit, he got titers drawn that were through the roof.

I look over at my medical student (who was also quite handsome but annoyed the shit outta me) and gave him the rundown of how this would all play out. I grabbed my clipboard, my semi-filled H&P template and marched over to curtain 4 where I would let me med student do all the talking and I’d just fill in my paperwork. I already knew what my diagnosis would be: crystal meth intoxication, no suicidality.

The chart was at the bedside so I got the vitals and pulled off my stickers and opened the curtain to find J lying in the bed. We make eye contact and he says to me, “hey, you’re working today?” His Cheshire grin (of course he had perfect teeth…his parents paid a lot for them) plastered across his face.

My heart LITERALLY stopped beating, but I must say I was a great actor for the next 5 minutes. I introduced myself as the doctor and that one of my colleagues would be down to talk with him and that I just wanted to make sure that he was doing okay. Fortunately, he could tell what I was doing and didn’t talk much. I then informed him that I hope he does okay and calmly turned and left, my med student hot on my heels wondering why I just walked out on an interview that I’d prepped him for. Needless to say, I switched with my colleague (who didn’t protest too much not having to see the raging borderline) but I did feel bad being unable to tell her everything.

But more pressing, I realized I exposed myself.

In lieu of gory details, please know that I haven’t “played catcher” since a couple years before residency and even then, it was with protection. Since moving here and before Feb 2008, my sexual escapades were essentially nonexistent outside of my ex-boyfriend. So, while it’s possible that I was exposed to other guys during the Feb to Nov stint, the risks are slim because I never engaged in super risky behavior until November.

Anywhoo, as you can imagine, I replayed the entire scene hundreds of thousands of times since then. It was quite the uncertain new year for me…not knowing if I had single handedly ruined a lifetime of work or if how to tell my friends and family if the worst case scenario was true.

Part of me didn’t want to know my status and so I missed getting checked in December (which is when I normally go.) In January, I sought to push it to the back of my head and concentrate on work, but of course, that nagging doubt was always there, threatening to leave me immobilized with fear (and it often did.)

About 3 weeks ago, I began to notice that a huge lymph node was growing in my neck but other than some severe morning congestion (that only slowed me down in the morning) I felt fine. No fevers. No night sweats (unless I left the heat on). No change in appetite. No weight loss. I felt as healthy as always. But the lymph node was there, it was tender, and it got slightly bigger each day. As you can imagine, I was completely freaking out. Like the good intellectual depressive that I can be sometimes, I began to emotionally isolate myself from everyone, even my closest friends. Harri was the only person I’d told about the fiasco with J but even Harri didn’t know about the lymph node.

Two weeks into my lymph node and crazy solid morning expectorate, I decided to head to my doc and explain the situation. He took one look in my nostrils, my ears (which would clog up literally anytime I moved my head a certain way) felt my lymph nodes (by this time I had another on the other side) and he said, “you have sinusitis. Here ya go!” and gave me some awesome steroids and antibiotics.

“Dr. Calcium, I also need to get tested.” I said, pretty strongly cuz I knew the time had come to know. It’d been about 2.5 months since the exposure and, if I read correctly, most people would have seroconverted by then. So I proceeded down the hall to get my blood drawn and sent for one of the most important tests of my life. Wow, that sounds so melodramatic now, but it so wasn’t as of noon today.

Anyway, I got the letter in the mail today. Today, with some of the worst weather in history. I couldn’t even make it down my own street this morning, so I don’t know how the mail truck managed it. Maybe they have 4x4.
In any case, I hastily opened it (reassured by the fact that the swelling had gone down after the steroids and half of the Bactrim so far) and read:

“All tests normal J” Dr. Calcium doesn’t like to write “HIV negative” so he told me that “normal” is his code word.

It’s so cliché, but I’ve been given a new lease and I’m gonna make the best of it. There is a whole world out there to explore and experience and I have a lotta time to make up.

Me: Update...

2009-01-28T17:42:00.002-05:00

Lots of stuff has been going on, so here're some highlights:

1. I'm seeing a therapist! She's fantastic and I must admit, it's nice to learn how others do therapy outside of the residency. It's also very uncomfortable revealing some of these things sometimes...for instance, the "I'm special" thing...yikes! But I look forward to going.

2. I'm getting regular massages: I figure I might as well keep working on releasing tension in these crazy stressed muscles of mine. Yeah, it's expensive but like Dr. Burns said, "it's worth every penny."

3. I'm negative! So I found myself back on the MeatSites (yeah, men are weak, what can I say?) and ran across a guy that I thought was decent. Turns out he wasn't...cue 2.5 months later, I'm nervous...but lo, HIV results are negatory! Even doctors make mistakes sometimes...

4. I'm procrastinating more than ever! Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed...which is sad, because this semester, I have more time than ever, yet I squander it away as if I'm "really busy." Maybe it's just my depression.

I'll write more later and more often because everytime I think about getting on an online dating site, I am going to chide and force myself to come here and right? Do you think it'll work? I dunno...let's try it and see!

Me: Isolating...

2009-01-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

I never really realized that I push people away all.the.time. I guess it's become second nature, so much so that I simply put up barriers in the beginning thereby cutting out the need later to do so later on. Lol, it's ergonomic relationship making at its best. :(

Wow, even thinking about this stuff is brain-cramp inducing....add all this to the fact that I feel more ambivalent about things now than earlier and you have a recipe for a procrastination disaster. Sure, I'm putting off major projects that I need to get done, but part of me wonders why even worry about it. Why not just let the chips lie where they fall and walk away from those things that stress me out.

But there's this inner being that won't let me walk away from my obligations. It constantly reminds me that I should "finish what I started" which isn't a bad idea. It's just that nowadays, it's costing me more and more mental energy to deal with this shit when I sometimes feel I barely have enough emotional reserve just to get through the day.

I need a vacation...or a boyfriend. :) Nother story for another day...

Professional: Pissed Off and Fed Up...

2009-01-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

The night that Mike rolled his eyes will forever be etched in my memory...in fact, I think it nonverbally says it all...and the breakup doesn't help, heh.

I am amazed at the way medical residents are treated across the country (at most places) but especially at UK.

I'll say it til I'm blue in the face but residents get less respect among these so-called "educated" medical professionals than I did working retail with some folks who didn't even finish high school. It's astonishing!

The passive-aggressiveness...the sighing...the conniving...the prancing...the pomp and circumstance...holy shit people! Are we taking care of patients or having one giant pissing contest from which no one can reap benefits?

And there's nothing that burns me up more than poor leadership...Wait, I lied. Poor leadership that causes direct decline of my personal quality of life burns me up even more. Oooo...even better, poor leadership that screws up my life AND that gets self righteous when I respectfully disagree just leaves me in ashes.

Some say I should "choose my battles." Heh, I'm tired of fighting...a lifetime of fighting can make you that way, ya know? The body is not meant to constantly be in a stress state; why would I choose to defy nature?

What am I gonna do....? I'm so, so tired and I'm over this shit...I'm quickly running out of reasons for "staying the course."

Is it really asking too much to feel appreciated? Really?

Me: The Missing Link...

2009-01-10T23:16:00.003-05:00

So, I was just checking out the National Black Justice Coalition and immediately started fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to go to national conference with a slew of folks with whom I have an intimate common factor.

But if I know conferences (and I do cuz I've been to dozens) they will be the staid, stand-off'ish egotistical pissing matches that they always are. And with this particular organization, they are very friendly with the Black Church and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to fall back or even interact with those folks just yet.

Anywhoo, looking at the pictures on the website, I grew a little nostalgic for a community like this...but I know I'll get there with my small town country ways and want to meet everyone and for everyone to sing kumbayah. So, that begs the question: is there a place for me there?

I've been giving this lots of thought, but there must be some way I can tap into my past and find those times or instances where I reached out as a closeted gay youth and came up empty. If we could pinpoint those kinds of things, we could initiate those on a larger scale, to grow our ranks from the bottom up.

Off the top of my head, there're churches, bibles, school guidance counselors, the internet: manhunt, gay.com, blackplanet, match, chemistry, yahoopersonals, college campuses (jackpot!), television, fictional novels, speech circuit.

And what I really hate is that most of these events are "high falutin'" and would intimidate most folks who'd like to come for the camaraderie. Don't get me wrong; I think it's important to "raise the standard" to the professional expectations of any national group, but I would hate to have the events so sterile and cold that it turns people off (like oh so many conferences did to me.)

I'll keep it in mind...

Professional: BOHICA again...

2009-01-08T23:02:00.002-05:00

So once again, I get screwed. Now I must move my continuity clinic to appease a fellow resident who failed miserably at taking care of his business. Now I suffer the consequences. It's really disheartening for me, mainly because I had pretty successfully moved to the background and kept to myself.

I stopped going to candidate dinners and raising a fuss with the unethical research requirement. I stopped sending any types of emails or giving my input at all. I was meticulous in regards to covering my bases and making sure that all the i's were dotted and the t's crossed.

And now this.

What really gets me is that my fellow resident didn't admit fault and instead acts as if I did something wrong when I didn't.

I could argue and try to make my case, but why? I know these people already are biased against me and any rebuttal would just make things worse. It's really funny when I talk to other friends because they've always been cautious of me being here, believing that there are much better, more appropriate places for me.

And now I would agree. In fact, I'm taking it a step further...or is it farther? Anywhoo, I would venture to say that alot of this is either personal (i.e. vindication for calling their shit all the time) or racial. At this point, the two are likely ground well into one another.

So what do I do now?

For starters, I've started seeing my therapist again, so that's good. I don't know that she can offer much help, but she is helping me think through some things. I always just unload on her; I hope she's not experiencing too much transference, cuz I know I'm giving it off. :)

Secondly, I'm seeing my massage therapist who helps keep my neck from becoming torticollis.

Thirdly, I'm doing lots of positive self talk, in hopes that I will convince myself to stick around for the next 2 years...

I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but it'll be interesting to say the least...

Professional: Getting Screwed Yet Again...

2009-01-07T22:37:00.002-05:00

So because of the royal screwup of a fellow resident, I may have to suffer the consequences...

It's a painful story to type out and I don't want to dwell on what's happening cuz it just makes me sad and depressed (and I'm trying to have a Sucka-Free 2009) so I'll leave it at this:

Looks like my name is sullied and there's not much I can do but laugh.

Pretty shitty, no?

Me: Prop 8 The Musical...

2009-01-07T22:31:00.002-05:00

"What else does the Bible say Jesus?"

This film short if amazingly funny! I think I've played the poor thing a good 30 times thus far. That Marc Shaiman is one talented gentleman.

I love that they have the token black gospel singer who "harumphs" and the whole nine yards. And Maya Rudolph is fantasticly cheesy. Being the inquisitive gay man that I am, of course I had to look up a couple other players who are just cutey-patooties. One is named JB Ghuman and the other is a John Hall. Both very fun to look at but extremely effeminate. Not a bad thing in itself, but I tend to like my guys a bit more masculine.

Anywhoo, the short has a great message, namely the good ole Mormon church used fear tactics to get people to vote for Prop 8 and that our message was lost in the shuffle, partly because of the awesome presidential furor.

Here's to keeping the fight alive!

Professional: Investments...

2009-01-04T23:41:00.003-05:00

So I don't quite know what I'm doing yet, but I've started putting money in Sharebuilder. Actually, it's been only 75 bucks but we'll see what happens to it. When it rapidly lost value, I immediately thought, "shit, let me get my money outta there." But that's not how you build wealth.

I'll try to get BabyRuth's book "idiot's guide to investing" to see if I can figure out what to do with this little modicum of the rich people's life.

Speaking of rich people, I've contemplated moonlighting, but I do think it'll get me in some trouble in the end, cuz I'm sure I'm gonna love the paychecks. :) So I was thinking I'll just intensely concentrate on cutting back on my expenditures, especially seeing as how I'm making a couple thousand extra than I was two years ago.

Anywhoo, this is where I completely don't know what I'm doing and would love to hire a financial planner...but of course that takes money. Catch-22, thy name is "independent wealth." Hahaha, another manifestation of the "can't win for losing" mentality that I have so often. We'll see what happens. I am, however, using an online money market account which gives me a pretty good return on my measley 50 bucks I have going to it monthly. Like Oprah says, pay yourself first!

Black: Dog-gone it...lol

2009-01-03T17:46:00.002-05:00

So, I didn't grow up with a dog, so I don't understand most of my friends (who are mostly white) propensity to get them, love them, and consider them a part of the family.

Sure, I understand their awesome companionship and yes, I understand that they cannot fend for themselves and that we, as stewards and the premier force on this planet, must care for them. But I don't understand when we put humans second to our canine counterparts.

To me, they're sweet and fun to play with; but like children, I personally want to return them to whomever I got them from at the end of the day/night so that I am free of poop scooping (which I hate all kinds of shit at this point in my life) and feeding them, and cleaning up after them.

The kisses from a well behaved puppy or dog are awesome and I do believe that they are likely a way to decrease tension and blood pressure. But I also see them as the liability that they are, never mind the fact that they live much shorter lives than us!!!

So, JessiesGirl has a Great Dane and while I don't mind puppies (even gargantuan ones) his is just too poorly behaved when I'm around for me to like him. And I don't know that I'm ready for him to visit the inside of my house; I like my floors and furniture and don't want them torn up just yet.

And remember, I'm an olfactory nut, so if it smells like dog in my house, I won't be a happy camper...

Speaking of camp, I gotta get to work on some things...

Me: Damn, dating is hard...

2009-01-03T16:06:00.002-05:00

Part of me wants to just run simply because dating takes away from all my other spare time. Lol, I'm such a prick sometimes. Luckily, it hasn't impinged too much, but I haven't started back at work yet, so who even knows what's gonna happen when I have less time than I do now.

He's a good guy; it's really funny since I've already broken up with him once (my fault.) But I saw some signs and didn't want to waste my time and his if I couldn't get over them.

And now we have reached a personal impasse because it's evident to me that he thinks of me as a psychiatrist and not as his boyfriend.

For example, he didn't attend the New Years shindig or post New Years 4 person dinner that we were invited to because he said he suffers from social anxiety disorder. Now, I have a professional opinion of this diagnosis and I place most of the inadequacy of said diagnosis on the person because this is a constellation of symptoms that can be treated and with a little therapy, completely overcome.

Why do I say this? Because I've done it. And I'm not an exceptional person.

In his regard, it means simply tweaking how he meets people, in what time, place, etc. Telling me "no, I can't do" something does nothing for me because it shows me that you're not willing to take a step out of the box. And if you're not willing to step out of the box, I have no time for you.

I've had to do some box-stepping my entire life, so I don't really take kindly to hearing people pine over what they don't have or can't find. Call it a weakness of mine.

Outside of this, he's a genuinely good guy, with good intentions, and a sunny disposition. I like him. I do. But I don't know how long we'll play if things continue down this vein...

Gay: Alone Again...

2008-12-28T19:54:00.002-05:00

So I broke up with Jessie'sGirl. He was a nice guy but I'm just not ready to date. I was actively trying to put myself back together, get in better shape, start looking for other things to hold and keep my attention when he ran across my path. I actually feel bad that I allowed us to get as far as we did, even though in the grand scheme of things, it was only two weeks.

He seemed to take things okay, though you never really know how much damage you do to a person when you abruptly step out of one's life like I just did. It wasn't so much a "me trying not to hurt him" thing, but instead, more of me knowing more about myself and knowing that sooner or later, I'd find some stupid reason to break up with him.

I often wonder if indeed I am destined to be alone; only time will tell I guess. If I'm 40 and still writing these words, then we'll have our answer.

Until then, I shall spend time doing those things that make me like myself and hope for a better day. For instance, that means me spending more time working on the novel, studying for boards (both peds and psych which I will now take) and simply improving myself. Let's see what happens!!!!

Me: Correspondence...

2008-12-27T18:03:00.002-05:00

Email is awesome but I've rediscovered the simple joy of letter writing and receiving handwritten letters from folks.

I've also found that I'm a less negative person when I am paying other people compliments...

So in an effort to spread a little positivity around this horribly rude and isolating landscape that is the American social structure nowadays, I've taken to writing letters of thanks to those people, groups, institutions, and businesses that are making a positive contribution (in my opinion) to my life and those I care about.

I was first inspired to do this when I heard the news about the cancellation of "Pushing Daisies" a television show that I've come to love over the last two seasons. But like lots of things in my life, it was not permanent, so I wrote ABC to let them know of my love and how much the show meant to me.

Granted, I should not be watching more television that I already am (and Netflix is like DVD crack!) but I couldn't stand idly by and watch a quality show get nixed without me saying something. It's akin to when I stood by and watched Tamyra Gray get voted off American Idol. Or everytime I hear someone diss gay people because they don't know I'm one.

So far, I've only sent letters to a few folks, namely ABC in regards to Pushing Daisies and my Daddy (it's kinda fun!). But I also sent one to the Renfro Sausage people back in L-town for making such a world renowned product.

I've sent two emails (after finding an auto fill form on their websites) to New York Governor David Paterson and Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, the former who actively fights for gay rights, the latter who has a lesbian daughter.

Today, I'm writing to a few folks I found in the Advocate, namely E. Denise Simmons who is the nation's first openly lesbian black mayor in Cambridge Mass and Jason Barlett, the first openly gay Black state legislator in the nation.

Because my mantra is "treat others as you want to be treated," I would hope that people who found inspiration in me would do the same. Not for the ego boost; but instead, to feel less alone and less unique in this world.

Lol, because I have to "gay it up" sometimes, I thought about getting my own stationary and everything, but that defeats the point of simplicity, modesty, and truth. I'm not looking to run for office or garner fancy. Instead, I hope this acts as a "pay it forward" type activity that I can share with my friends and family.

Let's see what happens...

Me: The New Guy

2008-12-15T22:22:00.002-05:00

So I went on an impromptu "date" of sorts yesterday and he was a nice guy. Over the phone he sounded okay and I was thinking that it might work...

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He contacted me on Match.com; I'm not quite sure why or what about my profile attracted him. But he winked. So I winked back. Then he sent me an email and I responded in kind. Then we talked over the phone the weekend of 12/13 and 12/14.

While I was shopping in Meijers (and being the impatient tool that I can be sometimes) I just went ahead and moved up our initial meeting from Tuesday to that very Sunday night.

I met him at Starbucks (he's a coffee drinker, I don't mind the stuff) and we had a very pleasant conversation, laughing spontaneously and making great eye contact. Lol, let me admit now that I could see a little of his nervousness in that when he would look at me when he wasn't talking, I almost had the smallest imperceptible feeling that he thought I would say "oh well, we tried. See ya!"

And his eyes are gorgeous. He's going bald a little bit on top (it's kinda cute actually) but he's such a normal guy. He has interests very varied from mine and isn't the "guy" that I would create for myself. But I like him just the same.

With him, I shall purposely slow things down...and yet doing this feels right. With Mike and many of the others, I always felt the need to rush around. With Jess, that's not the case (yet.) And I aim to keep it that way.

Anywhoo, we have our first official "date" Tuesday night at Alfalfa's so wish me luck. The roads my be shitty so we may have to change things up a bit, but again, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

And he smelled divine. He wore something called "L'Occitane" and it's definitely one that I will allow him to wear (and not buy for myself) until either we're living happily ever after or we break up. Lol. In the meantime, I'll stick with my Burberry Touch which is dreamy in itself. Mmmmm...

Here's to great stories ahead...

Professional: They have no clue...

2008-12-09T21:54:00.002-05:00

Professionalism is a reallllly big deal to me.

That's one of the reasons I get so angry and adamant when some of the people I work with and work for throw around the term so loosely. They seem to think that a professional environment entitles those in charge to basically do whatever the hell they want to amongst the commonfolk and any rebuttal must go through some horribly inefficient change of command.

I disagree and I think a pleasant and well thought out "excuse me, I don't believe so" works just as well.

Currently, I'm fighting an unspoken battle against research scutwork that could end my career before I even begin it. I speak up and, of course, am told that I should "just do it." Now, people who know me know that I don't "just do" anything without thinking it through. And in this case, I'm not a fan of what's going on and no amount of coddling me is going to change that.

Anywhoo, I can't wait until someone tries to give me a lecture on professionalism so I can "professionally" put them in their place...ahhh, good times. I probably should've put this one under the "angry black man" subject tab, but it's too late now :)

Black Gay: Be the best me...

2008-12-09T21:47:00.002-05:00

So I bought a book a loooong time ago that was geared towards young black men who were struggling to deal with their race and homosexuality. It basically sat on my shelves for months until I just happened across it last night.

What ensued was a consuming of what the author (Jonathan Jones) had to say about growing up black and gay from his perspective. I'm also reading a book that was written by a professor at Emory (whose name escapes me right now.) One of the great things that the Jones guy had to say was that we should spend less time worrying about when our next relationship is coming and more about how we can be the best person we can be which will in turn be more attractive to that special someone when he comes into our lives.

And I couldn't agree more.

Granted, me surfing match.com and the MeatMarket ain't helping things so I'm glad that both subscriptions will be lapsing, so that I no longer have the temptation to spend a well deserved hour on those sites.

And it's helped compel me to restart working out (at home using my Biggest Loser DVDs) as well as get my lazy ass back over and start playing volleyball again.

It's been a whole friggin' year...I probably won't even recognize anyone anymore....

But it's all about reestablishing what's important to me and right now, it's not being a lazy depressed bum...

Me: New Man Scent...

2008-12-03T20:33:00.003-05:00

I bought it.

Burberry Touch.

And it's breathtaking.

Anytime I can buy a cologne and Daddy's blown away by it, it's a good thing. Lol, it was so cute to see him get all excited and write down the name so that he could go pick it up the next time he's in the mall.

It's so unique that I've never smelled anything quite like it before. But there is almost a subtle undertone of baby powder for some reason. Yeah, I know it's strange, but it's there to my mildly anosmic nose.

I haven't gotten any compliments on it yet but that's fine by me because I like it and it's intoxicating to smell myself with it on. Wow, that sounds gross but it does really smell wonderful. That brings my Man Scent collection up to about 13 or so...

Black: New Beyonce...

2008-12-03T20:29:00.002-05:00

So Beyonce has a new album out where she divides up her tracks according to her softer more vulnreable side (Beyonce) and her stage persona who's fiery and urban (Sasha Fierce). I like both CDs with Sasha's taking a lead because of a song called "Ego."

In fact, I think it'll become the "Irreplaceable" of the season because it's message is just so strong and Beyonce does a great job with it. Don't get me wrong; "Just a Boy" and "Single Ladies" are awesome too, but the former won't catch on like Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and the latter of her two sounds alot like "Crazy in Love."

"Ego"s never been done before and I hear that there's already a remix that involves Kanye, so we could be look at award contention if they play their cards right.

For me, I listened to it at least 20 times because it kept me up on the road while I danced around being a big old flamboyant queen so that no one could see me :) Ah, the things you do to keep yourself awake...

Professional: Al Franken's awesome!!!

2008-12-03T20:22:00.002-05:00

While driving home to Texas, I had the distinct privilege of listening to a book on CD entitled "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them" written by Al Franken.

Let's just say I thought the book was so funny and well written and eye opening that I listened to it TWICE!

He did a superb job of point-counterpoint throughout the book, taking great pains to discredit alot of the myths that I had come to hold as truth simply because I was told that they were true. Like the idea of the "liberal media." That term has been thrown around for years and only now I'm I realizing that it's simply a ploy by folks with a louder voice to influence and taint our basic sensibilities.

It's very evident in the fact that there's a whole channel devoted to right wing aggressive viewpoints: Fox News Channel. Yet there's no direct liberal correlation...in fact, the conservatives use their own invention to say "hey, look, everyone else has to be liberal because we are only one channel and that's the only place conservatives can be." Yeah, fucked up thinking but it works cuz people are buying it hook, line, and sinker.

And apparently, Ann Coulter is awful. And judging by the things that she apparently writes in her book, you're damn straight she is.

Anyway, I wish more people would listen and or buy his book because I think it's worth reading or at least thinking about. S'funny though; if I proposed that to some of my friends or to other folks, they'd think I was simply trying to brainwash them into becoming liberal, something that I don't always agree with.

Ah, the shitty yucky side of politics...

Black: Another Thanksgiving...

2008-12-03T20:15:00.002-05:00

So this year I decided to drive home for Thanksgiving and that's a drive I'm glad I won't have to make for a whole nother year. Shitfire!

The worst part of the drive has to be going from Memphis to Nashville...it's 180 miles of "ugh, just get there already" made worse by the fact that the mileage signs count down in miniscule increments. And the landscape looks the exact same again and again. Just when you think a big bustling city will just jump out atcha, it's a ruse, and you're going over another hill or around another corner.

Once I got there, it reminded me of why I'm proud to be black and I'm proud to come from such humble beginnings and that I'm proud to have made it out and as far as I have. That's one thing these folks up here don't understand about me: I have quite a complicated and rustic background, filled with lies and distrust and mental fatigue and downtrodden-ness. Nah, not looking for sympathy, but I do want people to know that I refuse to be treated like shit when I know better and I have a well carved outlook for my life that doesn't include bullshit that others would otherwise thrust upon me.

The food was divine and despite me having a vicious case of the runs, I ate like a fiend. And of course I packed some of it up and brought it back with me, so that I may enjoy it while I lounge in my own area.

Momma was in typical form, making her passive aggressive comments about how her kids hate her, etc, etc. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, we know we're horrible kids for making something of ourselves while manuevering every obstacle that seemed to capsize even the most priviledged of our friends and neighbors. Yeah, we suck for trying to make our own lives and not revel in a past that left us often hungry and without one utility or another. Yeah, we know.

I feel for her and wish that she could "get over" whatever the hell she's going through. But no one can initiate and work her through that except for her. I know she'd be a helluva therapy patient that's why I don't even bother. But it's getting to the point where even good food ain't worth all that drama. :(

Me: Gullible...

2008-11-24T23:48:00.002-05:00

So on the way down from Kentucky, I had the pleasure of listening to Al Franken's book, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them." Let me just say it was AWESOME! And it makes me severely saddened to know that I too fell for alot of the political bullshit that consumed the Bush administration.

Sure, I saw Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" and I was shocked but still skeptical. But hearing Al Franken put things so eloquently in his book...well, I just might listen to it again on the drive back to Kentucky.

One thing really gets to me though; that these two guys seemingly have all kinds of commonsense and sources to back up there assertions, yet no one is listening to them. I don't quite understand. What's worse is that everything that they're reading literally has a source, often in respected media outlets.

And one of the other ideas is the rise of the "liberal media." It seems that the media is liberal because the conservatives say it's so. I don't condone alot of what goes on, but I truly believe that the media has a unique position to change the mindset of the people. In fact, this whole financial "meltdown" could be much better if people would quit calling it a "crisis" and acted like nothing was going on at all. But of course, that doesn't make for a sensational newstory...

Anywhoo, I'm gonna run for now; will write more later; just know that this shit is crazy...

Gay Professional: Complete Coming Out...

2008-11-14T23:23:00.002-05:00

When will it happen?

There's an event going on in Lex for gays and lesbians to protest the passing of Prop 8. I was invited via Facebook by a guy that I went out on a date with. He's fantastic but there's not anything there as far as romantic relations.

Anyway, should I go? What if there are cameras? There are also bound to be other gay men there, both single and partnered with whom I can become acquainted....Should I make a statement?

The answer to the latter is that I should and I feel compelled to do so because soon, it'll be me (hopefully) who can't get married. And I'll be pissed about it. So in preparation, I should be the one standing up and doing interviews. But I'm not that strong....or at least I don't feel that strong.

It's times like these when I wish I had a therapist or a role model or mentor with whom to talk and share these thoughts with.

On another front, what about me just "coming out" on Facebook which I still haven't technically done yet...though I have plenty of things that link me to the gay world. Part of me wants to go through and temper the access of those people who don't really need to know, but I don't want to give off the flair that it's a big deal because it shouldn't be. Notice that I put the "shouldn't" in there. :)

That's because even now, though I'm trying to be open and honest with myself, being completely out is still an issue for me. Because there are times when I'm still trying to figure out just how hated I can be in the eyes of others.

Sometimes I do wish I were straight...but I love men. I just do. Viva the Gays! :)

Me: Stinky Pee...

2008-11-14T23:20:00.002-05:00

So didja know that eating asparagus gave you stinky pee? I didn't know that until tonight...I don't even really like asparagus but when it's made by good friends who prepared it for you out of love for a dinner party, you eat it and you smile and you like it. :)

It almost reminds me of okra but the aftertaste is sharp and a bit bitter. Okra, on the other hand, is awesome when prepared correctly: either boiled with lots of pepper or fried. Mmmmm...

Yeah, I know this is something unusual to blog about but I never knew this about this little green vegetable. I've heard of pineapple making manjuice less funky so now I have another tidbit of random knowledge to spew to unsuspecting guests.

Black: Right place, wrong time...

2008-11-11T21:07:00.002-05:00

So just yesterday I decided to spur-of-the-moment go out with some resident friends to a local wine bar. There we were going to celebrate one of my friend's boyfriends successful maneuvering of the residency interview system.

Being that I didn't want to be horribly late, I actually arrived at the place on time.

It was an awfully swanky looking place with a tasting room on one half and the actual store on the other.

I didn't know if anyone was there yet so I slipped into the front door and upon not seeing anyone, whipped out my cell phone to call and see where everyone was.

Now I should've known something was odd because pretty much, all eyes were looking at me intermittently with curiosity and apprehension. This isn't new for me: I've come to expect that in many places that I frequent with my white friends.

But this was worse than usual. And instead of just turning and high tailing it out of there (because that was awkward) I stood there like a deer in headlights.

Then a guy walked up to me and said, "oh, this is a private party so the place isn't open." And with shame and weirdness plastered on my face, I turned and walked out.

Yup, embarassing. I tried not to get angry with my friends who told me to go there and of course, I made no mention to them what happened. But it did hurt my feelings...alot.

I hate feeling like that and part of me is now reluctant to ever go near that place again. And another little part resents my friends for allowing me to walk into a trap.

Yeah, I know I'm overreacting but I don't care. They weren't the ones standing there looking like an idiot...

Me: I (currently) regret my decision...

2008-11-10T22:08:00.003-05:00

Coming to Klantucky may not have been the best decision I've made in a long time.

Now friends are dating, having babies, making money, doing well academically, excelling in their fields, and I'm not.

That's the plain and simple truth: I'm not.

I'm not dating anyone and the prospects seem slim.

I have no kids yet I yearn for them with every fiber of my being.

I haven't come close to finishing what I need to make extra moolah (thought that might not be a bad thing)

I just got in trouble for poor test scores which limits the above point.

And I don't feel like I have a grasp on anything.

And I don't feel that I can talk to anyone about it because NO ONE would understand.

It's a really awkward position to be in because I'm still as socially and occupationally driven as I have always been and now I'm in that weird place where I don't agree with half the shit that's going on but I can't back out now because I've put so much into it (house, work, etc.)

It's time's like this that I wished I lived closer to home so that I could be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come, which is a small victory in itself.

My problem is that I keep looking outward for happiness when it should lie within. But I think I should focus my energies and efforts towards helping MYSELF because currently, I'm expending energy with no return.

I feel optimistic and I'm not as depressed as I've been othertimes...I'm not sure if it's the alcohol typing or me, but I've come to figure out (again and fucking again) that it's me I have to answer to at the end of the day and that I should do things that make me happy.

Funny how things again come full circle...