Gay: Self Worth...

You know, it's amazing how much self worth one puts in dating... I thought I'd be different. I thought that I would just slide right into love, with the hubbie and kids and job.

But alas, it has not. I'm constantly struggling with the idea of living in Kentucky and my poor prospects for love. I keep thinking that if I were somewhere else, I would find the man o' my dreams in a heartbeat; that somehow, there's a city full of men whom I would glady spend my life with. But Harriwhen proves that wrong; he's a great guy and lives in friggin' San Fucking Francisco and is having trouble finding a guy.

And Kentucky makes things worse because I like white guys (about the same as black guys) but there are soooo many here that "tickle my fancy" yet most of THEM don't like black guys. And most of the black guys here...well, they aren't. Almost none that meet my ultra high standards. So you know what that means? I got nothin'.

And it makes me feel even worse because I pushed away a great guy in Abe. But the relationship wouldn't have worked for us; I tend to overthink everything, but I know when something doesn't feel right to me. And even though I loved him and still do, the time just isn't right.And lordamercy...online is just one disappointment after another. YahooPersonals, Gay.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com, blah blah blah, they all trap you into wishful thinking and convenience. I need to believe my own preachings in that "if it sounds too easy, it probably is."

Besides, if I want to find someone that truly interests me, I should continue to do those things that bring me joy: volleyball, tennis, singing, dancing...I could meet someone via those media and would know that we at least had a couple things in common.

And worse, my other more worthy projects are suffering because I spend so much damn time on this fucking computer. I'm so pissed at myself for letting myself go. This weekend will be the time for change dammit...I can't keep living like this.

Good luck bip2...I'm sure you can do it! :) (it's amazing what you'll do to pump yourself up!)