Gay: Incumbents...

To this day, I'm still not certain why anyone would feel that I am a second class citizen despite me fulfilling my role as a responsible American citizen.

I'm constantly getting bombarded by emails to call my senator or representative to push them to end discrimination and support ENDA. I'm all for this. I'm just still surprised that I have to work this hard to get someone to acknowledge that I exist, WHEN they ask me for their votes in getting them to where they are.

It's a fascinating catch-22.

Lately I haven't been impressed with Congress and overall, I'm still not. They're dragging their feet on issues that shouldn't be placed on the back burner. Nah, I'm not an anarchist...but I don't like bullshit and I don't approve of people treating other people like shit.

So let's see what the fall holds; I just hope clear thinking people get elected/remain in office. The President can only do so much...

Me: Another time of change...

God, this is harder than I ever imagined.

I dreamed of a day when I would amass a certain conglomeration of things, like great friends, sustainable financial stream, a well respected job, the man of my dreams.

I have all those things, yet I balk.

Why do I balk?

What am I missing?

I have to find out what I'm doing wrong. I have to find out what will click for me. I wish I could remember when things stopped "clicking" for me. Sometime in the last 3 years, my memory became poor, my spirit was assaulted, and I became a weird guy. I don't like that.

I constantly find myself lost in thought, longing for things that aren't healthy for me. Wanting to be in the forefront of opinion and popularity. To have even more power, more friends.

When all in all, what I have now is what I longed for growing up. Simple. Easy.

Again I ask: what has happened to me.

I need to get it back before I fuck everything up, inadvertently...

Me: Cyclical...

I'm not sure how it happens.

I remember sitting down and being able to write stories. Creative stories that would blow your mind. Stories that won awards and that showed how much I loved the art of writing and storytelling.

I remember singing. I would sing whenever I got a chance. I joined groups, I bought music, I even tried to play it by ear on our electronic Yamaha keyboard. Lol, I would use this awesome record feature to try and weave together choir songs from high school. Lord I was a geek. Looking back, I remember how private it was, me plucking away at the keyboard, having the tones resonate with my soul.

During med school, I felt my well roundedness start to slip a little, but I was still able to sing and be creative. Living with Leslie would do that to anyone. But I took the time to play volleyball and connect with humans. I didn't resent people solely for their illnesses or my perceived notion that they caused their own suffering.

I held on to my humanity through a couple months into residency.

And then my life changed forever.

And I want my old life back.

Every now and again, I get glimpses of who I used to be. Hanging out with my friends here remind me of my family. Teej, Becca, Drew, Linds, Catherine, Ragaboo, Stewart, A Rod, Jo, Vas...they're all amazing.

Singing with Another Note has served the same purpose. It connects me to something more. I've had the pleasure of singing amazing music with amazing people. The chords and melodies will live with me for the rest of my life.

And I have the partner/husband/fiance of my dreams.

But I keep slipping into a funk. Somehow I allow myself to resume an old pity party. To feel sorry for myself. To get angry at the flaws of others. To paraphrase Pink, "don't let me get me, I'm my own worse enemy; it's bad when you annoy yourself."

I need to break the cycle.

When I come out of my funks, I realize that no one is worse for wear except for me. The house is a mess, I begin to get angry at myself for letting things fall into disarray.

This is not how I wish my life to be.

So I'm going to work to make sure it's not.

I have great friends, great family, great partner, great job, great health.

I will strive to appreciate them on a daily basis.

Lol, maybe I'll even get back into church someday....

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