Gay: Being Online...

So things in the gay community are shallow at least and downright rude and inappropriate at it's best...or maybe I have those backwards. :)

In either case, I am always shocked at how we treat one another, especially if we deem that others are "less worthy." The chat rooms are full of two types of people: one looking for sincere love or a hookup or those looking to play games with the minds of others, getting them all riled up then shutting them down, either by not responding or pulling away at the last minute.Tres trifling.

I'm almost impressed that people will go that far for a charade; again, indicative of just how immature and shallow some people are. And it sucks really badly for those who genuinely care (like myself) because you start to second guess yourself and feel bad: all because some anonymous asshole has nothing better to do.

Luckily, I'm young enough to know that I have collateral for a down payment yet old enough to take some things seriously so as not to treat others like shit.It's been a telling couple of days; this experiment has taught me a lot...

Gay: Puddle of Mudd...

This one and only post will serve as my "hate him" post and I hope to never speak about him again outside of this entry.

He left me. He decided not to pursue a future with me. He wanted to be friends.I don't want to be friends with him and I have no intention of giving him any inclination that he has an impact in or on my life.

When I knocked on his door to give his garage door opener back, he opened the door and jokingly stated, "don't knock on the door the next time you come over cuz it scares me."I fake "harumph"ed and went in after being invited.

He went downstairs to get the movies as he thought I would use the garage as my point of contact. When he came up, he handed me the movies and some booklets from his Blackberry Curve I returned.I said, "thanks alot. See you on Saturday more than likely cuz I'll be there all day." He echoed similar sentiments. I turned towards the door to leave. He said, "see you later babe" and I said nothing.

Overall, it went well. But he fucking sucks for making me feel this way and I hate him for it...at least for the time being. He should've never let on that he wanted more; the house shopping, the cooking, the dates, the calls, the texts, blah blah blah. All, apparently, a big ole goddamned waste of my motherfuckin' time.

Whew, I feel better already. Sometimes I find my thoughts wandering to him but I know in time, this will fade, just like it did for Reedo.

In the meantime, I get to see this guy while I'm at work. I'm hoping he gets it; I hope he understands that no, I don't have any intention on being his "friend" and that no, unless I have to talk to him in regards of patient care, I have no intention of speaking to him. I only wish he could know how irritated I feel right now...and it's not the blatant irritation like I feel for Campbellsoup. Nah, she's the devil. For him, it's a gutteral "ungh" that I can't delineate in words.

I'm so glad his hallway and house were fairly dim so that I didn't have to look in his eyes. They kinda briefly met for a second but I couldn't completely make them out.

I'm sure he realizes I won't be at his party during New Years and I'm interested to know what his "friends" think about all this...Okay, I'm done for now; I changed my mind...I can't promise this won't pop up again some other time...

Gay: I'm not that good...

So Michael just broke up with me...and I'm feeling a flurry of emotions.

Mainly pity.

I've gained self confidence while in this relationship with him. And I learned alot about myself. Firstly, I can no longer date over the internet; physical attraction is just too important a step to skip over. Secondly, I will follow my gut. I have tried not to place too many "rules" on things, but I knew dating a nurse would be an awful idea. And now I know why. Leslie may be eccentric but homegirl knows what she's talking about most times. She stated, "don't shit where you eat, don't eat where you shit." I did that and now look at me. :)

I don't worry about fallout from his nurse colleagues; if they're truly worth their weight in salt, then they'll do what they're supposed to do when I'm around. Gossip is there perogative but has no place near me; I don't anticipate this being a problem.

But I do pity him. Stuck with baggage he hasn't dealt with in a year and a half. And his expectations for now: for us to be friends.

I finally understand why Abe severed all ties with me; because it's impossible not to feel something when you talk to them. So I have no intentions on being "friends" with him. No, I have not yet told him this and I have no plan to do so. My actions will speak louder than my words anyway, so he shall see my disposition. Again, I will be professional and courteous but I no longer owe him an audience.

So he will be treated as I treat the rest of his colleagues: with professional indifference.But again, valuable lessons abound from times like this. For instance, I know that I can now fall for all kinds of people of different shapes and sizes. And I know that the nursing field is off-limits. And I know that my gut feeling should have a say in the beginning throes of a relationship. And I know that I'm worth more than being secondary to fickle friends.

So I shall take a deep breath *inhale, exhale* and set my sights to the future. To less fucking up and more mindfulness...

Me: Friends...

With all my bitchin' and moanin', I don't stop often enough to recognize those people around me who have shaped me into who I am today.

I have been truly blessed to have crossed paths with so many amazing people. In each one's own right, they are microcosms of goodness and warmth of the fortitude I strive to have.

And these great friends transcend my life's divisions, meaning no matter where I go and how I define myself (college, doctor, photo lab tech, etc) they are ever present, and we feed off one another to the point where talking to them feels like a family reunion revisited over and over.
Good friends are few and far between yet the powers-that-be have given me more than just a handful, sprinkled across the country, always ready with a side splitting story, and non-judgmental ear that listens.

To you all, gods and goddesses in your own right, I say thank you!

Gay: Over so soon...?

So I've been in a relationship for the last 2 months and things were going okay until recently...And the story goes as such:Mike has been working lots of hours even though he doesn't have to. Being his choice, he decided to keep working those strenous shifts which is all good with me. Whatever you want to do is fine. The Thursday night before his birthday, his "friends" a.k.a. co-workers screwed him over and he ended up having to finish off his shift instead of going home early which is what he wanted to do because they were overstaffed. I can safely say that any one of my friends would've stayed to let me leave if they realized that it was my birthday that I would be working on.

So this pissed him off and put him in a bad mood, so much so that he did not wish to spend any time with them at the Christmas party. Again, it was fine with me cuz they're his friends after all. I don't believe in smothering people or obligating them to me, so I let him do his own thing for most of the day on his birthday, but then I called to see if he was interested in hanging out since he wasn't going to the Christmas party. He obliged me (rather begrudgingly I now notice) and we went to a dinner and a movie.

Upon returning to my place afterwards, we have a pretty serious talk wherein he tells me that he has lots of baggage (who doesn't) and that he wants to slow things down and not go in together on family plan. This again works for me (so that I don't have to switch my number) so I say, great, no biggie. He also wants to "slow down the relationship." I ask if this means we're breaking up (which is okay with me as well so that we don't draw it out) and he says no. He says he's just really tired and that he wants to sleep because he hasn't done so for many many days.

Because this is something I can COMPLETELY relate to, I say, "can do!" and usher him home so that he can soak up as much rest as possible. That was Friday night.

All day Saturday, I find myself involved in my own machinations, trying to get things done and in order. I did not hear from him all day, which was COMPLETELY fine as I can understand that "me-time" does not include anyone else.

Then comes Sunday; I spend most of it doing what I do best which is procrastinate, but I think about Mike and wonder, "I hope he's okay." I send him a text with the same sentiment in addition to a "are you alive?" I included an LOL because it was comical when I first thought about it. He texts back that he's okay and is doing housework much like my own. Notice, there was no phone call...I take a shower in preparation for the party and decide before I leave to give him a call since he hadn't called me yet. He states that he tried to call me about 15 minutes before I did, and I apologize because I still haven't figured out all the nuances of my phone yet.

Energized that my man may have now returned back to normal, I ask him how his gloriously peaceful Saturday was (because remember, he wanted to nap.) He proceeds to tell me that he spent most of the day in bed with his dog (aw, ain't that sweet) then he got up and him and some of his work friends went out to the local gay club (actually 2 different ones) to see the drag show and went out to eat then he returns home.And my jaw is on the floor the entire time.

I say "oh, that's cool. I'm glad that things are better for you." Then I quickly segueway into something that will get me off the phone because my mind is now reeling. I hang up and there's deep sadness followed by rage then disappointment then frustration then more anger. I consult the Times, Harriwhen, and PDaug.

Everything in my body wants to say "sayonara!" But am I giving up too soon? Am I reading too much into this?

And then I start thinking about all the warning signs that we shouldn't be together, namely he is a nurse and contrary to what I was thinking, this was BOUND to bite me in the ass. And you can judge a person by the company they keep and...well...'nuff said in this case. Just call this whole situation Degrassi High and I'm the college boyfriend. How did I ever get into this mess?

And if we break up, I have to play my cards just right so that I don't become the asshole of the ER...not that it matters because, as I've said a gabillion times, I go down there to do my job, not make friends or socialize. And trust me, whether or not I'm his boyfriend, I will get the respect I deserve or heads will roll.

And now I'm back to angry black man...damn, it comes full circle so fast! :)

Gay: Relationships...

So Michael and I have been dating for two months...Who is Michael???

Well, he's a 5'7" quick witted ER nurse whom I befriended while on night float in October. I remember seeing him the the ED and thinking "oh, he seems like a nice gay guy" and moving on to the next task. I do not like being in the ED and I make a point of ignoring anything but my exact job at the time so as not to draw any undo attention to myself.

In any case, a mutual friend of ours arranged for us to go out to eat breakfast and since nothing horrible happened during that encounter, we decided to keep in touch.7 weeks later, things have been going well for the most part. I love him. He loves me.

But the fatal flaw of life rears it's ugly head. The very mechanisms that we have both used all our lives (he's 28) to keep us safe and sane is biting us in the ass. He's very independent and has been so for years now. He got out of an awful relationship that left some very deep emotional scars. The combination of baggage and their countermeasures has resulted in us taking the relationship even slower, which is just fine with me.

We were on the verge of our first collaboration: family plan cell phones. But this was not to occur. The first thought in my head was one of rejection and hurt because it seemed like things were working out perfectly. But then I remembered that NOTHING in my life ever works out as planned so I should really just go with the flow on this one and let things happen as they should. Pressing and trying to make him into something that he (or I) am not will only lead to heartache and pain.

So I'll lick my wounds, take a walk around the block, and come back as the supportive wonderful boyfriend that I know I can be.

I'll never forget the look on his face last night...he was so vulnerable. I told him that if he didn't want to be in the relationship, that he should simply let me know and we could end on amenable terms...he said no and I believe him. One thing though: this relationship has taught me that I will not go searching for love on the internet again and that me being myself is always the best policy. Someone will love me eventually...

Gay: 4 Months of Life Worth Living

It's been a really really long time since I've blogged and I won't even pretend to try to catch up on everything. Some of my posts are on my myspace page since those thoughts were public and were made to be seen.

As this is my private haven to shoot my mouth off, I have been less likely to blog and more likely to internalize. Unfortunately, I've been holding all this heinous poisonous stuff in and it's slowly killing me. I can feel this black negativity within me just trying to bubble out to the surface.

But in all this black dreariness, there is a glimmer of hope. I have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend. Currently, a very stressed out boyfriend that's doing much of the same thing as me: internalizing his frustrations with the world. So when all is said and done, we're both stressed out successful and highly driven men who are torn between creating our lives and living them separately.

Right now, I simply feel completely overwhelmed and I'm not sure what I can do about it (if anything.) And I don't feel like I have a way out....suffocated is a very good word for what I'm going through right now...and I'm flummoxed at how best to proceed.I don't know if it's because I've been around suicidal patients all the damn time or what, but I find myself thinking about it more and more. And I can see why people sometimes choose to do the things that they do.

Nah, I'm not saying I'm gonna off myself anytime soon...but I can see why.I get so angry with myself sometimes...then I get angry at beating myself up...then I get angry cuz I want to do something about it then angry that I don't. It's a bad spiral.

We did learn something interesting today though: mindfulness. I think I shall try this because i need to find some calm somewhere.

Me: Exhaustion...

So I woke up this morning and played volleyball from 8:30 am til about 4, then I helped a friend of mine load up 16 packs of 80 lb concrete bags into his truck, then also unloa d the mofos when we got to his house.

All this from guy who hasn't played volleyball in about a month and hasn't worked out in a couple weeks. Needless to say, I'm tired as all hell. But I can't cut short the time I get to spend with friends, drinking a little Blue Moon and enjoying the amazing fall that Lexington has.

What this means for my future...well, tomorrow will be an excruciatingly long day; not only am I switching rotations but I'll probably have new patients in addition to those patients that are new to me. Couple that with all the other little odds and ends I need to complete and you have a certified stressful day, clad with yearning for my wonderfully soft bed.

And that doesn't even include the new relationship that I'm trying to kindle into a fire. Wowza...sometimes life just doesn't let up. But I guess, I wouldn't have it any other way.
And yay for the new fall season of shows! Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Kid Nation, here I come!!!!

Gay: Self Worth...

You know, it's amazing how much self worth one puts in dating... I thought I'd be different. I thought that I would just slide right into love, with the hubbie and kids and job.

But alas, it has not. I'm constantly struggling with the idea of living in Kentucky and my poor prospects for love. I keep thinking that if I were somewhere else, I would find the man o' my dreams in a heartbeat; that somehow, there's a city full of men whom I would glady spend my life with. But Harriwhen proves that wrong; he's a great guy and lives in friggin' San Fucking Francisco and is having trouble finding a guy.

And Kentucky makes things worse because I like white guys (about the same as black guys) but there are soooo many here that "tickle my fancy" yet most of THEM don't like black guys. And most of the black guys here...well, they aren't. Almost none that meet my ultra high standards. So you know what that means? I got nothin'.

And it makes me feel even worse because I pushed away a great guy in Abe. But the relationship wouldn't have worked for us; I tend to overthink everything, but I know when something doesn't feel right to me. And even though I loved him and still do, the time just isn't right.And lordamercy...online is just one disappointment after another. YahooPersonals, Gay.com, Match.com, Chemistry.com, blah blah blah, they all trap you into wishful thinking and convenience. I need to believe my own preachings in that "if it sounds too easy, it probably is."

Besides, if I want to find someone that truly interests me, I should continue to do those things that bring me joy: volleyball, tennis, singing, dancing...I could meet someone via those media and would know that we at least had a couple things in common.

And worse, my other more worthy projects are suffering because I spend so much damn time on this fucking computer. I'm so pissed at myself for letting myself go. This weekend will be the time for change dammit...I can't keep living like this.

Good luck bip2...I'm sure you can do it! :) (it's amazing what you'll do to pump yourself up!)

Gay: I Miss the Little Fella...

Abe...Sometimes I regret ever meeting him because now I know what I want out of a partner. Lol, apparently in my drunken stupor, I espoused all the trite reasonings I had for breaking up with him...and I vaguely remember everyone in attendance laughing at my naivete and telling me that no relationship is perfect and that I should be open about what I like and don't like.Yeah, it's mainly a sexual thing that I won't go into...suffice it to say, it probably is something that we could attempt to work through, but I'm still in the classic mindset and can't help but think a young buck could meet my expectations.The problem with that is the fact that young guys just don't have the emotional, professional, social maturity that older guys have. Ah well.

I've also been thinking about getting a dog but methinks that's even more far fetched that getting a kid mainly because I have no desire to pick up shit outside when it's 2 degrees or 100. Lol, with kids, you just throw it in the trash and be done with it.

And I get to go to the dentist tomorrow! YAY me! He's probably gonna root canal my stupid tooth since the filling will probably have to be taken out. And I think it's incredibly odd that my dental insurance is actually MORE expensive than my health insurance...what kinda shit is that?! Yeah, I'm gonna have to look into that...

Me: Goulash...

I can't break my addiction to fantasy books...
Porn is too readily available to folks these days...
I'm running through men as fast as I find them...
Comparisons to Abe are to blame...
I'm so swamped with ideas I've become stagnant...
Stupid people are far too abundant and in the most powerful positions...
I wish my chest were bigger...
I need to procure cable but I can't justify watching even MORE television...
I feel sorry for TalkShowJohn and Teej because they will be so far behind when they do decide to come out...
Daddy really should know about my situation soon...
It sucks to be the first person that a gay person comes out to cuz you're not going to ever be with them...
Ice water is yummy...
I should have better posture...
I wish I had the patience to really make my website...
Big Brother 9, here i come...
"Find Me Somebody To Love" is such a great song...
I want a baby...
People keep telling me I need a dog...
The state hospital is truly a state hospital in all sense of the word...
I wish everyone would look at things as ergonomically as I do...
I'm great!

Me: Something’s missing...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going through a midlife crisis or if I'm forgetting something because I oftentimes find my mind wandering, wondering if I'm happy with where I am in life...

On the whole, I would have to say yes. I'm living my dream even more so that I once imagined. Maybe being my own biggest critic is finally catching up to me; heh, having someone constantly pushing you (from the outside) is easy to avoid. If that voice is following you everywhere you go, it's a much different picture.

The voice now (and nah, I'm not cool enough to be schizophrenic...though I have been itching to try some Abilify or Invega) is saying find someone special, settle down, and have some kids. Why that voice changed from "save your money and buy comic books" or even "you should go out on the town and dance the night away" like it used to, I don't know. But it's official, I'm getting older.

BTW, I'm gonna try to write in this blog more often...lol, I say that everytime, but this time I mean it! HAHAHAHAHA...we'll see.

Me: Biological clock...

I had never been to any camp before my 4th year of medical school (age 25.) In fact, I'd only seen the shenanigans of camp via movies (the Parent Trap) or television (Salute Your Shorts.) I had no idea just how much fun and wonderful it would be.

But my current semiannual involvment with Rays of Hope (my bereavement camp) and TLC (my juvenile diabetes camp) has not only helped me settle on my career niche within the field of child psychiatry, but it's also reaffirmed that I want kids. The bad thing is that I'm now wanting them soon.

Yeah, there are tons of roadblocks to having a little one at home to care for, but methinks I could get it all straightened out. Lol, I just finished watching "Billy Elliot" and I promise not to "live through my children" but it'll be hard. Poor guy or girl will be worn out by the age of 10...heh.
I'm slated to finish residency at 30 (2011) and if all goes according to plan, I'm hoping 4th or 5th year??? Maybe??? It'll make establishing my practice a little more difficult, but hey, having a kid will change everything, so why not let it guide the rest of my career?

All things to ponder...

Me: Happy Birthday to ME!!!

So I'm officially 27...and what do I have to show for it...

· Work: I've started the inpatient adult psychiatry side of things and I must say, it's a bit frustrating. The work's not hard and the patients are interesting, but it's hella frustrating to be an "intern" again. This experience has helped me realize that I would never ever want to repeat intern year again, even if I were offered a million dollars. It simply sucks. And I've started to wonder if I'm one of those people who is never happy because it always seems like I'm bitching and complaining about something. Luckily for the first two months, I take essentially no call, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much and I should take this opportunity to get alot of my side projects done. But that leads to to...

· Motivation: It's at an all time low. I have so many things to get done. Making movies, creating inspirational programs, making notes, finishing the website, finding a mate, etc...it's all very daunting and I find myself so overwhelmed with every and anything that I don't end up doing anything. It's kinda sad! I'm hoping to work through this funk and come up with something to focus my attention and energy but it's been tough.

· Love life: Abe is still in the picture but I know that a romatic relationship with him probably isn't in the cards. I haven't been dating otherwise...why? See the previous bullet. I'm thinking I'll just let fate take care of things but fate's a bitch and hasn't always been kind to me in the past. And besides that, I keep thinking about that "ideal guy" which is probably preventing me from finding that exceptional Prince Charming. Lol, I'm my own worst enemy.

· Plans: the road to becoming an independent child psychiatrist is very winding and long. It's kinda weird how (retrospectively) this year FLEW by. It's a bit frustrating that none of it really counts for anything right now since I'm over on psych and essentially an intern all over again, but I won't be checking out anytime soon...even though I have an unsupportive program director (emails can be deal-breaking. :(

So, I'm single, black, gay, professional, fun, ambitious, idealistic, pragmatic, sensitive, appreciative, forthright and 27 years old. Wow...I'm getting old... :)

Me: Great things come...

...though waiting (a.k.a. procrastination) can occasionally be a bad thing. :)

After many moons, I heard from my kids. Yeah, they're not my biological kids but they may as well be; I love those boys like my own. Waaaaaay back in undergrad, I had the pleasure of meeting their family during Mission Waco's "King's Club." And we've been a family ever since.
I must admit, I knew I was destined to move around alot and possibly move far away from home and I didn't know what would become of family ties. And I knew that their Mom moved alot as well (in the best interests of the kids, in my opinion.) I just hoped beyond hope that they would someday get in touch with me.

6 years later, they found my letter and shot me a phone call. They're so grown up now! One's 18, the other two are 13 and 12 respectively. And so well spoken. :) Needless to say, I'm proud of them, no matter what they're up to. Hell, I'm just glad they're alive and well. Hee! I can fully understand why people have kids; just hearing from them put a huge goofy grin on my face.

In any case, I'm going to send them a little positive reinforcement for successfully completing another school year and will definitely keep in touch!

Professional: The Devil Wears a Red Beard...

I just finished a two week stint with potentially one of the worst "professionals" I have ever run across.

The Cow was simply put: an unsavory individual. He has a preceding reputation of picking one person and driving them into the ground. Horror stories include my upper levels leaving rounds in tears and doubting their calling.I was a little bit different. I refused to let someone like him bring me to tears. While the work was grueling (which he had no control over) it was my fervor against what he could control that drive my fury to stand up to him on the 2 occasions that I did. I can't believe someone the likes of this guy is slated to work with residents. I know I know I know that no residency program is perfect, but that shouldn't stop every residency program from attempting to be the best that it can be.

In any case, of course I had to stand up and call bullshit because that's exactly what I felt was being thrown my way. Lol, now that I think about it, there were so many points this month where I could've kicked someone in the shins. I truly was alone this month; my resident compradre wasn't a huge help and no one was willing to do the right thing and step up against the Cow besides my advisor (sorta.) Lol, they were willing to let someone completely rip apart the soul and ambition of another colleague just to save face (theirs of course.) Pathetic.

But now I've survived and know better, now more than ever, who my friends and confidantes are. Suprising to me was the fact that one of the people I considered my biggest supporter and one of the reasons I came here thinks of me as basically a spoiled entitled brat. Lol. Can't win them all indeed.

So what I'll do in the meantime is keep doing my do, changing the lives of the kids under my tutelege and wait until the moment when I can rid myself of the haters. Holla!

Professional: Tipsy...

So besides being a bit tipsy from K-ran's going away get together (of her own volition) I'm sad. I'm sad that I entered a program that basically lied to me. That made promises that I should've known that they couldn't have kept. I got suckered.

I'm glad to have known that I still overall chose them for the right reason: because I liked the residents. But man, if Ihad known then what I know now, I can guarantee that things would be different.

The crazy part is that I have this fatalistic type thinking, wherein I no longer care what happens to me, as long as I try to make changes in what is going on. Yeah, it could be career ending, but so far, I've built up a reputation; one that I could glady start cashing in on. And I think that's exactly what I'll be doing.

I'm going to sleep now. ..

Professional: I'm Only Human...

So I decided to get fit and boy, it hurts.

I've been running and swimming about 2-3 times a week and I will admit that I do feel much better and have more energy to do things. Joining Gold's was, in retrospect, a terrific idea.

So since I was making such awesome progress, I decided to jump back into the volleyball swing of things since I haven't played in about 4 months. Lol, even though I've been working on improving my cardiovascular fitness, my body still wasn't quite ready for the rigorous of kicking ass on the v-ball court. I woke up this morning quite stiff and sore. The hardest part, however, has been staying awake; I came home, laid down, and slept for 4 hours before awakening to realize that I had overslept on a date. And those don't come by often! ;)

I've also taken on an additional project; I'm helping to put together the video skits for the senior roast. This project promises to be a challenge, but for the same reasons these kinda things are always a challenge: group participation and enthusiasm. It always makes me laugh how nonchalant peope are about doing this things and how oftentimes I must literally pull teeth to get shit done. But everyone always enjoys the final product, so much so that sometimes I resent them for their lack of initiative in the beginning.

But I'm weird like that...and human. Nothing like a little sore muscle to put things in perspective...

Me: Unmitigated Disaster...

Wow, so much has happened since the last time I blogged.

For instance, I thought I was gonna go certifiably fucking crazy. Things in Kentucky went quite wonky, with snow and ice and mud, and salt and general unhappiness. The dreary conditions almost made me feel like I was locked into my body and looking out with foreign eyes. I was really depressed. Add that to the fact that I really hated what I was doing (wards in January, being tired) and you had a bip2 that was ready to quit.

But I didn't. And two months later, things are still moving. I just finished Pedi Neuro which was a true clusterfuck if I've ever heard of one. More on that at a later date (or maybe not since I'm not doing as well with keeping this thing up as I would like.)

So I finally met Kevin. Big disappointment. We talked for about a year and there was a time where I actually thought we could be something. But he turned out to be quite a bit flakely and self centered so I cut him loose. My mental rollercoaster with Abe eventually resurfaced ideas of Kevin and me being together so I re-reached out to him and last weekend, I learned just how shallow pretty people can be. Not that Abe's not pretty...it's just that Kevin is more of what I thought I wanted. Heh, life's funny like that sometimes.

Now I love Abe more but I'm not sure that I'm in love with him mainly because there's this small inkling in the back of my mind that tells me "somethin' just ain't quite right." In the meantime, I'll enjoy his company and treat him like the wonderful and amazing friend that he is.

I've also confirmed my calling. I love camps. Just can't get enough of 'em. Over "spring break" I helped run bereavement camp and it was a huge difference from just being one of the counselors. I have to admit, it was less hectic than I thought, but I do regret not having as close a relationship with the kiddos as before.

That's all I'm going to right for now. Except for the fact that I've now become a fan of Wheat Thins from those long nights with Jan and Lindsay...

Me: An Everyday Decision...

To quit or not to quit, that is the question...I know deep down in my heart that leaving is not the best option. Not only will there be tons of stones unturned that I would kick myself in the ass about later, but it's also fun to see just how miserable the moment can be...I'm referring both to work and my relationship with Abe.

This last month on wards was one of the lowest points this year. Not only was I dealing with some of the most unprofessional people I have ever encountered, the patient load was incredible, the feelings of fair play thrown out the window, and to top it all off, it's colder'n a witches tit in a brass bra. :) I finished my last shift yesterday and trust me, I won't look back on this month with longing nostalgia...except for my time getting to know Jo. He was fantastic.

And Abe...I know I'm still in love with this guy. Just talking to him brightens my day. But on the flip side, I'm still young and naive to have doubts about what I could potentially be missing. Even though I have (in essence) the perfect guy right in front of me, I can't help but keep looking around "just in case." It's actually really pathetic and I hate myself for it, but I'm not sure how to get around this just yet. So far, I'm really pleased at how open and honest we've been with each other...I just don't know how long I'm going to make myself "wait" seeing as how I have what I want. I think the saying goes, "if youth only knew, if age only could."

On the whole, I think I will work towards a goal for each:

WORK: Keep walking. There's no need to make friends with ancillary staff. I've always been courteous, even when poked and prodded to respond in the negative. I think this speaks well of my upbringing, but more importantly, to my self resolve that I CHOOSE not to fall to their level of dispicableness. I have great relationships with lots of fellow residents and I think that'll be plenty of people to share my life with. I'll try to talk more about work at a later date.

LOVE: Step by step. Before, I think I rushed and allowed myself to be rushed into something that scared me. This time, I'll take my own pace and we'll work at becoming a true couple, if that's what's meant to be. Marriage, moving in, etc...those are all distant possibilities that I shouldn't let into being right now cuz it just complicates matters. For the time being, I'll treat him just as what he is: a love interest.

Okay, I'm headed off to bed for now. And luckily, since I'm not at friggin' work all the goddamn time, I think I'll write more and complete more work on the website...I'm so excited!!!

Me: BICers Update...

Below is an emotional dissertation I sent to the BIC yahoogroup. Old friends that I'll keep forever...
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You all must go see Dreamgirls. Simply awesome!

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a quick note about everything that's been going on with me...bear with me, it's a doozy.

As far as work is concerned, I'm finishing a month on the Wards and everytime I step into work, a little piece of my soul dies. The soul-slaying is multifactorial and includes the fact that we are waaaay understaffed to deal with the winter months. Respiratory syncitial virus (RSV) is mainly responsible for an average of 45 minutes of sleep for each of my 6 calls I've done so far. Well that and the fact that my fuckin' upper level resident is a black cloud...meaning that when he and I are on, the world turns inside out and sends all their friggin' kids to the hospital. And it's not just your typical hospital admit...no, most of the one's we get are almost always near death which would mean an admission to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) but lo, when we're on, there are NEVER any beds. So we have to deal with critical patients on the friggin' floor where the nurses are as competent as my ass hair. Sorry for being graphic but it's sheer craziness.

Personally, I've been dealing with the whole "coming out" thing with the fam. Granted, I haven't fully made the rounds (just told my brother two nights ago) as Daddy and two of my other bros don't know, but each time just wipes me out. It is quite funny though when they ask (both my mom, sister, and one brother) "are you sure?" Hee! I've always wondered if I was destined for a normal life...I keep coming up with "no way" mainly because I've been dating a man twice my age but who complements me in sooooo many ways. For an older white guy y'all would get a kick out of him... :) Just to be fair, he's a lawyer, graduate of Cornell (pshaw, it's no Baylor or UT, but I guess it'll do) worked for the EPA for many years suing the government and is currently vice president in some sort of consulting firm. I've tried to not be smitten but I'm not very good at it. But I am very good at spinal taps! YAY!

And over the last two days, I've driven through snow to get work. What the fuck??? Yeah, that's what I'm sayin'. Y'all know how much I hate the cold and now I have to worry about drivin' in snow. It's adding kindling to an already building fire of resentment about this place. But I love my house...I just wish I could fly MereGray up this way and give her a shitload of money to deck it out in the manner to which it deserves. In the meantime, it'll do for now and I can't wait til the spring to start planting flowers and the like.

And I finally know now what most established doctors are assholes, hellbent on making as much money as humanly possible. Y'all, residency does beat you down and make you realize just how futile being nice is. From the nurses, to patients, to attendings, to fellow residents, the amount of "corner cutting" and piss poor excuses is enough to drive an overly optimistic fun loving guy (like yours truly) over the edge. Luckily, I have an intern class that regularly drowns our sorrows in margaritas during our Monthly Intern Agave Rounds. The only drawback of these rounds is that the cheap drinks are coupled with really shitty Mexican food, which makes me miss Texas and gives me pangs of homesickness that are hard to swallow.

I'm listening to the soundtrack of Dreamgirls as I type this and it's calming me down a bit. I would love to hear how everyone else is doing because I need some normal people in my life...y'all come pretty close if I recall correctly...if you call getting drunk and speaking in Spanish normal, right Kristen? :)Much love to all y'all and hope this finds you better than I.

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I'm gonna have to do better with keeping in touch with these guys and dolls....le sigh