Professional: 196,394.79

That's where my debt stands now...last year it was around 183K...it's amazing what 13 THOUSAND dollars of interest'll do to your repayment amount.

Luckily, I'm constantly served a reminder of what it's like to grow up poor. To borrow against a future that, if you fuck it up, you'll never get out of unless you mysteriously disappeared in some form or fashion.

Each year, one must humble themselves and throw themselves prostrate on the Gods of Higher Education and plead for them to let me wrack up more debt since I can't pay the initial debt to start with. It's really a great system.

For one of my loans, by the time I will have paid it off, the amount will be around 50K...that might not seem like alot unless you think about the fact that the initial principle of the loan was 27K...that's almost DOUBLE! And during all this time, someone's walking away with money in their pockets...too bad it ain't me.

Isn't capitalism great! :(

Professional: Creative Writing...

So Dremme and I have decided to write a book together...actually we decided to write litte short stories a loooong time ago and had gotten off to a fairly decent start when he dropped out because he was fatigued from work.

Not one to fuss over side projects that are supposed to be fun, I didn't worry about them and moved on, but I always wondered what would come of them...

Now we're back on the same page and looking forward to maybe producing something that publishable. Remember: Dremme is an English major and loves this shit. I'm just an avid pretender who bores easily and loves a happy ending :) So this should work well.

Currently, we have two pieces that we'll continue "fleshing out" but we'll start a third that will be the main project we attempt to publish. But if we keep kicking ass on the other two, we just might be able to use them as publishable fodder some day as well. We'll see...

Me: Poor, Broke, and Hungry...

I was raised on food stamps and remember vividly the times when we ate the same things over and over again. Pigs feet, pork neckbones, cabbage, red beans and rice, cornbread...anything that Momma could stretch to feed the hungry mouths that came in from school every single day.

Now that I'm off on my own, things are different. I no longer need to eat those things (though I do long for them occasionally) but yet I still make poor choices. Sure, my spending habits are much improved compared to what they were, but saving has never been a priority.

But that shall all change. I've already opened an online savings account which is awesome because I actually forget about the fact that a little bit each month is going that direction. This next year, since we get a "raise" I may just double what I contribute each month and continue to "live like I've been living" though I'm still trying to wrangle in some of my spending habits.

Newest news on this front: I might be getting a roommate. He's a fellow resident in anesthesiology and a nice guy. I've known him for the past two years that I've been here and so far, he hasn't become a freak. It's mutually beneficial for the two of us...not only do we save tons of money but he doesn't have to worry about house selling etc as much (he just got divorced) and I get to save all kinds of money.

That reminds me, I also need to start moonlighting which should be interesting...but at 75 bucks an hour, I shouldn't complain! :)

Gay Professional: Like Minds...

So I was bored one evening and decided to sign up for Match.com again. Don't really know why I did, but it's interesting that I can now separate myself from these activities. Whereas before, I spent hours on these sites, perusing through profiles and feeling worthless when no one responded (or the ones that did were less than what I was looking for), now it's just an aside.

I got one response from a nice guy who is in a similar profession and so far, we "talk" everyday and things are going okay. Right now the topics are mainly music and work and far, far less of the "relationship." Lol, I'm digging the conversation, especially since it keeps me from falling for someone quickly and I'm too busy to devote my heart anyway. It sounds the same for him.

Though it is quite funny that we could (regardless of if we're together or not) open up our own medical home and make a killing between his Ph.D and my M.D.

And he also has a 4 y/o son...I haven't really let that one sink in yet. I haven't asked him how he procured such an amazing treasure (i.e. sex with a woman) but I'm sure it'll come up. If it was from an adoption process, he gets lots of bonus points. If he did truly have sex with a woman...well...that would be a little hard for me to swallow.

We'll see what happens!

Gay: You Got the Hiv...

So far, so clean! By practicing safe sex and thinking before I do things, I've been spared this unfortunate virus.

Unfortunately the same can't be said by hundreds of thousands of other Americans who were not as lucky. And it breaks my heart to say that one of them is a close friend from undergrad who was something of my hero back then. He was brave enough to come out during undergrad; I was so afraid for him...but also me. I didn't want to be labeled, to be "that gay guy." I couldn't figure out why he purposefully be that guy.

After years of thought, blood, sweat, and tears, I know why. Because he was proud of who he was; something it took me a really long time to realize about myself and more importantly, to appreciate in him.

But as many young gays can attest to, "coming out" is a lonely process. Doing so after being enrolled at the biggest Baptist university in the world can be life changing. So he, like many of the men on "Queer as Folk" dabbled in drugs, one of which was crystal meth.

I don't know how it was done (i.e. IV or snorting, etc) but it helped result in likely promiscuous sex and contracting a lifelong fatal disease.

And it breaks my heart.

Even as a physician, I had never seen HARRT meds up close and personal. Sure, I could write for them and I may have seen them dispensed before, but as I stood in the motel room, holding a 7 day pharm plastic dispensing unit full of horse pills, it hit me...the Hiv is real. And it's killing my friend.

So now, my world has changed and I'm promising to better to myself and to enjoy my life as best I can. And continue wearing condoms :)

Professional: Time Ain't On My Side...

I'm not sure why but it always feels like I'm running behind in everything I do. It could be that I'm trying to accomplish 8 years worth of work in 5 but others have done it so I should be able to pull it off.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of seeing patients, maintaining my sanity and my relationships, and planning for the future that I find myself just sitting around stunned into not even attempting for fear of failure and the drama that comes with it.

It's not the optimal situation, residency. And so I'm taking some advice given to me by a licensed professional and cutting those things out that simply are not useful. Unfortunately, alot of that "not useful" stuff involves maintaining friendships and one would argue that they are important for the future but time draining now.

So what's a man to do?

Gay: Mirrorless...

So you never realize just how vain and weird your bathroom looks when you mirror falls off your wall :)

I replaced my bathroom mirror in the Scourge of OutDatedness that happened about a year and a half ago when I was sprucing up my place. I thought I had a very good glue to affix the mirror to the wall...little did I know it was slowly losing it's grip and that a year and a half after it was up, would come tumbling down from it's perch, gold gilding and all.

Luckily the friggin' thing didn't break, so all I have to do is reaffix it with MORE glue and let it set for more than 24 hours (which means I shower upstairs.) An inconvenience but hey, it's all worth it when it looks fabulous, right?

I really don't have that great a fashion/art deco sense...I think the gay gene fails me on this account.

Black Professional: So Rare...

I might as well be an Ashkenazi Jew...

I've been blessed to be able to do so many things and meet so many amazing people. My latest foray into awesomeness was Chris and John's wedding but once again, I noticed something that was missing...

Black people.

Nah, it's not because either one of them discriminate...it's just they've not had a chance to meet awesome sistas and brothers to befriend. There was another colored lady :) but she was African and there is a distinct difference between Africans and Americans of black descent (to be a little more politically correct :) So again, I shared this amazing occasion by my melatonin lonesome self.

Maybe it's because I didn't go to historically black college or university or med school or residency that I get this skewed view of being the only person to make it this far. Lol, I realize it's hyperbole but when you take it into context with living in Kentucky, then you see why.

I look forward to the day that I meet other successful young black gay guys with which to cavort. I did run across one (hi Karsh!) and I'm keeping my lookout for them everyday, especially ones that may be near me geographically (but in keeping with the title, I'll keep it just to black professionals.)

I believe that black professionals are the key to revitalizing the black race in America and organizing them into a strong political force. With the help of folks like Oprah, Bill Cosby, Colin Powell, and less of Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, and Pastor Wright, we could be a force to reckon with. I'm not sure how I feel about Obama yet (cuz I'm too busy adding a black tax to him...) but once I do more reading, I'll have to see which side of the fence we're on.

In the meantime, I'll keep on representin' in every which way I can, for as long as I can, until it wears me out...

Gay Professional: Premier Wedding...

John and Chris had an amazing wedding. It was held at the Quaker friends meetinghouse, where they've been members for a year or so. The ceremony was performed very much in the Quaker tradition, wherein no one led the ceremony and instead, they exchanged their vows when they were ready and essentially we all signed the wedding certificate making it "legal."

But those logistics were the smallest part of the wedding. After they had exchanged vows, anyone felt moved to speak could do so. And my, it was absolutely beautiful. I almost lost it a few times but was able to hold it together to offer my congratulations and thoughts about their love for one another.

My, the things that others said...it shows me just how loved they are. I ended my comments with "thank you for loving one another" because lately, that's how I perceive the world; as lacking in the very thing that links us together.

And their kiss...it was simple but more poignant than any clusterfuck of a kiss I've seen in the porn world...such passion and conviction. Gentle and reassuring. Lol, it was truly one of the most beautiful scenes that I've ever witnessed (gah, I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.)

The reception was awesome! It was held at a lakehouse and the weather gods were nice to us as they provided a picturesque blue sky, 70's to 80's temp wise, and few skeeters to suck our blood. And I met some really cool people, especially the family of Chris. I got to share a bit of my own coming out story and learn how it was for them to "deal" with him coming out (though it didn't sound too awful.)

John's family wasn't there but that's because they are much like my family used to be: uber religious and judgemental. Yeah, someday they'll regret their decision to miss it...and it will break their hearts.

Does it make me pine for my own wedding? Sure. But it also reminded me that things that good are worth waiting for.

Black Gay: No more MeatSites...

So I am status post day #1 without the sites and I'm a better person because of it.

Not only do I have time to blog on a more regular basis, but I don't feel ashamed and self defeatist.

As a black gay man who has this uncanny attraction to white men, KY is not necessarily the mecca of acceptance and diversity I unconsciously long for. But I put myself out there, day after day since late January in an attempt to hook a good guy.

My premises were wrong.

First off, while good guys do frequent those sites, you must also remember that no one on those sites is truly looking for love by itself...okay, I shouldn't say "none" but I will say most.

Secondly, online pictures and profiles will never be an adequate substitute for face to face interaction or catching one's eyes on the street. It's especially painful when you meet a guy online with whom you share so much verbally and socially only to see his pic and find that you aren't initially attracted to him in any way at all. It's even WORSE when that initial meeting is face to face instead of via photo exchange. And MORE WORSE STILL is when you realize that YOU'RE THAT GUY for someone (i.e. they open the door, see your face, and it drops into disappointment.)

I've experienced that phenomena enough times that I must call it quits online. In fact, I'm taking the approach that I shouldn't be "looking" for dates and instead do those things that make me happy and hopefully will run across someone at some point. Lol, at least that's the strategy for now.

In the meantime, I will keep to myself and work on those things that I need to accomplish to get through residency and life (for the next 3 years) in one sane piece. Being black and gay is tough; adding the "love white men" modifier has complicated it even more but I can't let my closeted demons get the best of me.

Because me is good! :) (yay for positive self talk!)

Professional: Hands Off...

So lately I've been continually impressed at how people in position of power over the training of physicians fail to realize who they're dealing with. Most doctors (especially pediatricians and psychiatrists) will, when left to their own machinations, do good when it comes to patient care. Sure, you'll have your idiots but that in any field that you go to.

I refer to the micromanagement of TPTB ("The Powers That Be") who run my program. The involvement in normal residency life is not only a waste of their time but an imposition of ours. For instance, when two residents would like to switch a call of their own volition, I don't see why anyone should object unless the residents were knowingly going to cause a problem (i.e. they would be on call too soon or not have enough time off between their slave shifts.) But those problems are easily solved by the residents and chief taking a look and approving.

But not here. Nope, the directors and chiefs, and janitors and secretaries, and ice cream man down the street all seem to have varying levels of input which only serves to frustrate the already overworked and underpaid/preciated resident and make them hate their life all the more.

Paternalism is alive and strong in the world of "Graduate Medical Education" and the system seems to breed those administrators who, as residents, couldn't grasp the idea of being one's own person with rights and responsibilities.

Allowing the peons to be innovative with their craft is a learning pearl I found a looooong time ago. Investing in "your people" will work almost every time (provided you give them some guidance.) Apparently I'm the only one on that turnip truck...

Professional: ASSHOLE

Every day that I go to work, there seems to be no way around what I'm becoming.

For instance, today, I got a call from the head of GME who told me, in intonations that stoked the fire, that I was suspended for delinquent medical records.

This is the first time in almost 2 years that something like this has ever happened. Instead of "hi bip2, I'm sorry to bother you but I wanted to let you know that you'll be suspended if your records aren't complete...is there anyway I can help you out?" It's "you're suspended."

The people around this joint are very very good at pointing out the obvious in as rude an overtone as possible. Take the urology resident for example, name of Byelin (sp?): "has he had a prostatectomy? [Me: "mmm...yup, in 2006"] reaaaaaally?" Asshole. Rude residents really chap my ass cuz we're all in the same fucking boat: the little dingy that floats behind the big cruise ship called Commercialism.

In any case, I fully recognize that this probably happens elsewhere and that rude people are a dime a dozen. But dealing with jerks this far away from normal-people-land is proving to be too much for me. I know for a fact that my life would be much easier here if I were a straight white guy. No doubt about it.

But I'm not. I'm a gay black single doctor with big aspirations and humble beginnings who thinks that everything will work out in the end and that social happiness is possible.

And it's killing me.

But if I can pull this off, it'll be the single most AMAZING feat of anyone that I've ever known has pulled off...

Gay: My First Gay Wedding...

So I'm currently slated to attend the HolmHansen wedding and I couldn't be more excited. Not only will it be the first of it's kind for me, it'll also be nice to:
1. Get the fuck out of town. Yeah, it's 5 hours away but I'm actually looking forward to hitting the road and spending some alone time with my thoughts and my music. Just like old days! When I think about it, that's one of the things I'm missing: a place to go. Since most times my places to go entail getting on a plane (with all the stress and issues with loss-of-control that go with that) this should be a nice reprieve.
2. Spending time with like minded people, i.e. GAYS! It was refreshing to talk with an attending today who asked my opinion about working with the gay population. John and Chris sound like they're truly happy and I can't wait to meet them and their super smart (and likely liberal) friends. It's at a Quaker house after all!
3. Reunite with my past. I have forgotten where I came from and some of the shit that I've made it through because life is so busy now it allows me to do that. Seeing John and Keelay is likely to stir up old emotions and I want them to come in droves.
4. Connections: While I will make a conscious effort to "not find a husband" as I am prone to do in these type of situations (after which I am sorely disappointed and become more bitter and depressed) I will strive to admire the wonderfulness of people for who they are, not what they could be to me.
Lol, I saw on the invitation information regarding playing in the park afterwards, so I wonder what the dress code is for us...

Professional: Changing of the Guard...

I've been giving a transfer more and more thought every day.

Things at work are absolutely mind-numbing for me at this point. I no longer trust that the leadership is working in the best interests of the residents. I no longer believe that they care about who we are as people, much less training doctors.

I feel completely abused and tricked. I feel that people were not honest with me before I moved here and now I am suffering the consequences. And I don't know what to do.

My heart says "get the fuck out." My brain says "it's too much of a clusterfuck to try."

I could transfer to a psych program and see if I could work it out to be in their Child Psychiatry program...

I just cannot fathom that every place in the US treats their residents with such disrespect and ambivalence...and if they did, hopefully I would KNOW that before I committed to 5 years of being treated like an indentured slave.

I don't know what to think or to do...

Black Gay: An Enigma...

So in true gay man form, I had another "encounter" but this one was funny because the guy said, "hmmm...over the phone I couldn't tell you were a black guy." Now of course I don't hold it against him because we all have our prejudices, but it shows me once again that the thought is alive and well.

As the solo black guy in the choir, I found myself being the only black guy in the whole church during concert time...even though it was one of the more full spring concerts.

And it's a constant nagging thought in the back of my head when I meet a white guy that I find attractive. Voltaire, for instance...I don't know what he thinks of black guys, much less me...a little piece of that self loathing part of me thinks that I'm "too black" or "too greasy" or lips "too dark" or nose "too wide." It's terrible but seeing as how I live in a world where I faun over the white Abercrombie and Fitch model, it's fitting that I put down myself in this fashion; girls do it all the time (much to society's chagrin.)

And being a "black gay" (which IS different than a "gay black") is so tough when you have no one to spend time with who is like you.

It is indeed lonely at the top...

Professional: Research...

So one of the wondeful requirements of our program that I learned of AFTER I had come here, is that I have to complete a research project.

Of note, I've always hated research because research uses statistics and I learned a loooong time ago that you can get statistics to "prove" damn near anything. Small aside; the idea of "meta-analysis" is inherently flawed...never trust a mega-study that tries to minimize the confounds and biases of the individual studies that make it up...just won't work according to my statistics training back at the Barber College o' so many years ago.

Anyway, in my zeal to boost my self esteem and ego, I applied for national scholarship that requires research. Yeah, I know: what the hell was I thinking? At the time, I was thinking that I needed something to prove that I'm not just a worthless piece of shit that no gay man, apparently, wants to date. :( Now that I've gotten the award and have realized that I must be the best person I can be for myself, I'm stuck with creating and completing a research project.

Good: I can kill two birds with one stone.

Bad: I need to start the fucking thing.

And the project I wish to undertake will be performed out of state, will require IRB stuff, and tons of energy and follow up.

So I need to start 3 weeks ago :)

Let's just say if I can pull this motherfucking thing off, it'll be a major feat and major contribution to the field of psychiatry and chronic illness in kids...

Gay: I'm proud of myself...

So in playing with various guys on the meat market sites, I've learned quite a bit about myself. Not only do I think I have an addiction (it's sad but true) it's dawned on me that I'm lucky.

I came out when I was young(er.) So many older guys I've run across aren't out to themselves or their co-workers or friends. They've spent their whole lives in one persona and now can't break free of that to be themselves.

So they end up sneaking around, meeting guys (like me) on the internet in hopes of hooking up or other equally fun (yet inane) encounters.

While I'm not carrying a rainbow flag or shouting my love for men across the rooftops, there has to be something said about openly admiring the male form and having others know that when I compliment a woman on their attire, it is justified with no ulterior motives.

I feel especially bad for those men and women who are in the closet, older, AND have children...wow. I could only imagine how that must feel. Feeling that you'll somehow "screw your kid up" is a gargantuan pressure all its own.

So go Bip2! You've made leaps and strides some people will only dream of in their lifetime. And for that, I am proud!