Gay: Running gag...

That's what it feels like sometime; the amount of time I waver on my promises to myself and hope that I can muster the guts to excel in the future.

Well, the Olympics are on and I'm allowing them to take up all of my time. It's crazy! But I love it! Gotta run...

Professional: Them Again...

Not all nurses are bad.

But it seems like there are a few bad apples that spoil the whole bunch for me.

I dread being on call. Currently, not only am I orienting someone who should theoretically be my senior but it's taking it's toll on me.

Especially since I'm already a bitter jaded asshole.

I know I'm going to go off on someone soon. I can feel it bubbling just below the surface. I will do my best to keep it in check but all bets are off when I'm tired and feeling beat down...which, lately, is all the damn time.

It shows me that I should make sure to again do my own thing and get away from as many people as I can when I start my practice.

Gay: Relapsing...

I'm not sure what it is about the MeatMarket sites but they have such a draw to me, especially when I'm feeling pitiful and ugly. Those sites allow me to "meet" people (and reject people) at a whim. That feeling of power is intoxicating; but it's also deadly because it can consume your life.

This is my 3rd or 4th go at it and I'm trying to make sure that it doesn't take over like it did in January. In retrospect, the sites have done nothing for me socially or mentally. In fact, the only benefit has been me being able to get my rocks off more frequently. But with all the guilt and worry about playmates (and their status) it has all been for naught.

And one other thing I realized was that now that I've started this, I can't quit cold turkey because the "withdrawals" if you will are very strong. Instead, I must wean myself over weeks and months and use more time getting out to meet people rather than playing online.

Let's see if it works!