Me: A Fraud...

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Me: Update...

Lots of stuff has been going on, so here're some highlights:

1. I'm seeing a therapist! She's fantastic and I must admit, it's nice to learn how others do therapy outside of the residency. It's also very uncomfortable revealing some of these things sometimes...for instance, the "I'm special" thing...yikes! But I look forward to going.

2. I'm getting regular massages: I figure I might as well keep working on releasing tension in these crazy stressed muscles of mine. Yeah, it's expensive but like Dr. Burns said, "it's worth every penny."

3. I'm negative! So I found myself back on the MeatSites (yeah, men are weak, what can I say?) and ran across a guy that I thought was decent. Turns out he wasn't...cue 2.5 months later, I'm nervous...but lo, HIV results are negatory! Even doctors make mistakes sometimes...

4. I'm procrastinating more than ever! Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed...which is sad, because this semester, I have more time than ever, yet I squander it away as if I'm "really busy." Maybe it's just my depression.

I'll write more later and more often because everytime I think about getting on an online dating site, I am going to chide and force myself to come here and right? Do you think it'll work? I dunno...let's try it and see!

Me: Isolating...

I never really realized that I push people away all.the.time. I guess it's become second nature, so much so that I simply put up barriers in the beginning thereby cutting out the need later to do so later on. Lol, it's ergonomic relationship making at its best. :(

Wow, even thinking about this stuff is brain-cramp inducing....add all this to the fact that I feel more ambivalent about things now than earlier and you have a recipe for a procrastination disaster. Sure, I'm putting off major projects that I need to get done, but part of me wonders why even worry about it. Why not just let the chips lie where they fall and walk away from those things that stress me out.

But there's this inner being that won't let me walk away from my obligations. It constantly reminds me that I should "finish what I started" which isn't a bad idea. It's just that nowadays, it's costing me more and more mental energy to deal with this shit when I sometimes feel I barely have enough emotional reserve just to get through the day.

I need a vacation...or a boyfriend. :) Nother story for another day...

Professional: Pissed Off and Fed Up...

The night that Mike rolled his eyes will forever be etched in my memory...in fact, I think it nonverbally says it all...and the breakup doesn't help, heh.

I am amazed at the way medical residents are treated across the country (at most places) but especially at UK.

I'll say it til I'm blue in the face but residents get less respect among these so-called "educated" medical professionals than I did working retail with some folks who didn't even finish high school. It's astonishing!

The passive-aggressiveness...the sighing...the conniving...the prancing...the pomp and circumstance...holy shit people! Are we taking care of patients or having one giant pissing contest from which no one can reap benefits?

And there's nothing that burns me up more than poor leadership...Wait, I lied. Poor leadership that causes direct decline of my personal quality of life burns me up even more. Oooo...even better, poor leadership that screws up my life AND that gets self righteous when I respectfully disagree just leaves me in ashes.

Some say I should "choose my battles." Heh, I'm tired of fighting...a lifetime of fighting can make you that way, ya know? The body is not meant to constantly be in a stress state; why would I choose to defy nature?

What am I gonna do....? I'm so, so tired and I'm over this shit...I'm quickly running out of reasons for "staying the course."

Is it really asking too much to feel appreciated? Really?

Me: The Missing Link...

So, I was just checking out the National Black Justice Coalition and immediately started fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to go to national conference with a slew of folks with whom I have an intimate common factor.

But if I know conferences (and I do cuz I've been to dozens) they will be the staid, stand-off'ish egotistical pissing matches that they always are. And with this particular organization, they are very friendly with the Black Church and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to fall back or even interact with those folks just yet.

Anywhoo, looking at the pictures on the website, I grew a little nostalgic for a community like this...but I know I'll get there with my small town country ways and want to meet everyone and for everyone to sing kumbayah. So, that begs the question: is there a place for me there?

I've been giving this lots of thought, but there must be some way I can tap into my past and find those times or instances where I reached out as a closeted gay youth and came up empty. If we could pinpoint those kinds of things, we could initiate those on a larger scale, to grow our ranks from the bottom up.

Off the top of my head, there're churches, bibles, school guidance counselors, the internet: manhunt, gay.com, blackplanet, match, chemistry, yahoopersonals, college campuses (jackpot!), television, fictional novels, speech circuit.

And what I really hate is that most of these events are "high falutin'" and would intimidate most folks who'd like to come for the camaraderie. Don't get me wrong; I think it's important to "raise the standard" to the professional expectations of any national group, but I would hate to have the events so sterile and cold that it turns people off (like oh so many conferences did to me.)

I'll keep it in mind...

Professional: BOHICA again...

So once again, I get screwed. Now I must move my continuity clinic to appease a fellow resident who failed miserably at taking care of his business. Now I suffer the consequences. It's really disheartening for me, mainly because I had pretty successfully moved to the background and kept to myself.

I stopped going to candidate dinners and raising a fuss with the unethical research requirement. I stopped sending any types of emails or giving my input at all. I was meticulous in regards to covering my bases and making sure that all the i's were dotted and the t's crossed.

And now this.

What really gets me is that my fellow resident didn't admit fault and instead acts as if I did something wrong when I didn't.

I could argue and try to make my case, but why? I know these people already are biased against me and any rebuttal would just make things worse. It's really funny when I talk to other friends because they've always been cautious of me being here, believing that there are much better, more appropriate places for me.

And now I would agree. In fact, I'm taking it a step further...or is it farther? Anywhoo, I would venture to say that alot of this is either personal (i.e. vindication for calling their shit all the time) or racial. At this point, the two are likely ground well into one another.

So what do I do now?

For starters, I've started seeing my therapist again, so that's good. I don't know that she can offer much help, but she is helping me think through some things. I always just unload on her; I hope she's not experiencing too much transference, cuz I know I'm giving it off. :)

Secondly, I'm seeing my massage therapist who helps keep my neck from becoming torticollis.

Thirdly, I'm doing lots of positive self talk, in hopes that I will convince myself to stick around for the next 2 years...

I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but it'll be interesting to say the least...

Professional: Getting Screwed Yet Again...

So because of the royal screwup of a fellow resident, I may have to suffer the consequences...

It's a painful story to type out and I don't want to dwell on what's happening cuz it just makes me sad and depressed (and I'm trying to have a Sucka-Free 2009) so I'll leave it at this:

Looks like my name is sullied and there's not much I can do but laugh.

Pretty shitty, no?

Me: Prop 8 The Musical...

"What else does the Bible say Jesus?"

This film short if amazingly funny! I think I've played the poor thing a good 30 times thus far. That Marc Shaiman is one talented gentleman.

I love that they have the token black gospel singer who "harumphs" and the whole nine yards. And Maya Rudolph is fantasticly cheesy. Being the inquisitive gay man that I am, of course I had to look up a couple other players who are just cutey-patooties. One is named JB Ghuman and the other is a John Hall. Both very fun to look at but extremely effeminate. Not a bad thing in itself, but I tend to like my guys a bit more masculine.

Anywhoo, the short has a great message, namely the good ole Mormon church used fear tactics to get people to vote for Prop 8 and that our message was lost in the shuffle, partly because of the awesome presidential furor.

Here's to keeping the fight alive!

Professional: Investments...

So I don't quite know what I'm doing yet, but I've started putting money in Sharebuilder. Actually, it's been only 75 bucks but we'll see what happens to it. When it rapidly lost value, I immediately thought, "shit, let me get my money outta there." But that's not how you build wealth.

I'll try to get BabyRuth's book "idiot's guide to investing" to see if I can figure out what to do with this little modicum of the rich people's life.

Speaking of rich people, I've contemplated moonlighting, but I do think it'll get me in some trouble in the end, cuz I'm sure I'm gonna love the paychecks. :) So I was thinking I'll just intensely concentrate on cutting back on my expenditures, especially seeing as how I'm making a couple thousand extra than I was two years ago.

Anywhoo, this is where I completely don't know what I'm doing and would love to hire a financial planner...but of course that takes money. Catch-22, thy name is "independent wealth." Hahaha, another manifestation of the "can't win for losing" mentality that I have so often. We'll see what happens. I am, however, using an online money market account which gives me a pretty good return on my measley 50 bucks I have going to it monthly. Like Oprah says, pay yourself first!

Black: Dog-gone it...lol

So, I didn't grow up with a dog, so I don't understand most of my friends (who are mostly white) propensity to get them, love them, and consider them a part of the family.

Sure, I understand their awesome companionship and yes, I understand that they cannot fend for themselves and that we, as stewards and the premier force on this planet, must care for them. But I don't understand when we put humans second to our canine counterparts.

To me, they're sweet and fun to play with; but like children, I personally want to return them to whomever I got them from at the end of the day/night so that I am free of poop scooping (which I hate all kinds of shit at this point in my life) and feeding them, and cleaning up after them.

The kisses from a well behaved puppy or dog are awesome and I do believe that they are likely a way to decrease tension and blood pressure. But I also see them as the liability that they are, never mind the fact that they live much shorter lives than us!!!

So, JessiesGirl has a Great Dane and while I don't mind puppies (even gargantuan ones) his is just too poorly behaved when I'm around for me to like him. And I don't know that I'm ready for him to visit the inside of my house; I like my floors and furniture and don't want them torn up just yet.

And remember, I'm an olfactory nut, so if it smells like dog in my house, I won't be a happy camper...

Speaking of camp, I gotta get to work on some things...

Me: Damn, dating is hard...

Part of me wants to just run simply because dating takes away from all my other spare time. Lol, I'm such a prick sometimes. Luckily, it hasn't impinged too much, but I haven't started back at work yet, so who even knows what's gonna happen when I have less time than I do now.

He's a good guy; it's really funny since I've already broken up with him once (my fault.) But I saw some signs and didn't want to waste my time and his if I couldn't get over them.

And now we have reached a personal impasse because it's evident to me that he thinks of me as a psychiatrist and not as his boyfriend.

For example, he didn't attend the New Years shindig or post New Years 4 person dinner that we were invited to because he said he suffers from social anxiety disorder. Now, I have a professional opinion of this diagnosis and I place most of the inadequacy of said diagnosis on the person because this is a constellation of symptoms that can be treated and with a little therapy, completely overcome.

Why do I say this? Because I've done it. And I'm not an exceptional person.

In his regard, it means simply tweaking how he meets people, in what time, place, etc. Telling me "no, I can't do" something does nothing for me because it shows me that you're not willing to take a step out of the box. And if you're not willing to step out of the box, I have no time for you.

I've had to do some box-stepping my entire life, so I don't really take kindly to hearing people pine over what they don't have or can't find. Call it a weakness of mine.

Outside of this, he's a genuinely good guy, with good intentions, and a sunny disposition. I like him. I do. But I don't know how long we'll play if things continue down this vein...