Me: Neverending story...

When I think about my last relationship, I still have mixed emotions...mostly strongly on the "I'm over that" spectrum, but also on the "I miss you" spectrum because of the way it ended, with lies and deceit. I ran across a quote today though that sums up most of why I still cry:

"I cried today...not because I miss you...or even wanted you...but because I realized I'm gonna be alright without you."

Amen!

Or this quote:

"I don't know which I would rather believe: that you never did care or that you eventually stopped."

Or this quote:

"I would have followed him to hell if he asked me to and with all he put me through, maybe I just did."

Or this one:

"Relationships are like glasses. If they break, let them stay broken, you'll only hurt yourself trying to fix it. At least the pieces still remain."

I know that this too will pass; in fact, it's probably time for me to look back through my blog and remind myself that I've been through this before and came out a stronger person.

Me: Late nights are the hardest...

I know that I'm more emotional at night. Maybe that's the time when my defensive synapses start slowing down and shutting off. I can recall many a night where I had heartfelt conversations about crazy things. Where I felt truly in sync with my fellow man when the moon was at it's apex.

So it's really no suprise that I cry more about my last relationship when I'm staying up later than I should. Ultimately, it'd be good to be in bed by 10:30 like I plan. But on weekends and when I'm feeling really saucy, I push the limit.

The result comes in rivers down my face and around the angle of my jaw. It is these times when I miss him the most. Where I feel like a piece of me is missing that I can't replace.

I try and lean into the hurt, to savor the loss because it means I loved so strongly. And for that I am still very proud.

The story is not done; I have lots of life to live (maybe). Feelings are good...right?

Me: Awesome song...

Damn Cee-Lo, you brought it!

:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

The "clean" version just doesn't do it any justice.

Me: The Money issue...

I almost wish money didn't exist.

My latest "conundrum" is a good one. I stand to make a very good salary with this new job. Way above the 6 figures that I thought I'd be making. But I want someone to share it with. In particular, I want to share it with the person with whom I shared my "poor" times. Someone who understands the value of a dollar and spends it wisely. We invest and save appropriately but never allow ourselves to go without.

We care for our kids and their futures as well. We take trips. We enjoy life.

But he's currently in a personal crisis of his own. Which is why he goes out of his way not to talk to me. Lol, it he didn't care about me, he and I could be friends. But I know he feels guilty...hell, I feel guilty and I didn't really do much to mess this relationship up. Yeah, I'm pushy, but what else is new. :)

I'm scared of being out there and making money because I'll never know if I can trust whoever is around...unless they're making as much as I am. But how will I know they're salf of the earth kinda folks that I'd like? I'm thinking if they give to charity and volunteer their time, we're off to a good start. But we'll see.

Oh boo bear, why'd you have to go and have your (appropriately timed) midlife crisis right now? :) Love you and miss you something fierce!

Me: A bit of a conundrum...

So my boo bear is still coming home and at first, I wasn't planning on seeing him. Lol, actually, it's not my decision at all actually. It's his call. But in any case, he comes home on a Thursday and I'm leaving on a Saturday. I just booked my ticket and it dawned on me, it would be really nice for someone to take me to the airport. He, theoretically, would be the perfect choice. My flight leaves at 5:50am which to him would be something like 10 am, so he probably wouldn't be sleeping well anyway.

But all of this means I have to see him. Which, for some reason, I feel more calm about. I was freakin' out there for a while. But since I made that decision, I've grown alot...and suffered alot. And while it might not be a good idea to see him one last time, this may also be the last time I ever see him. Lol, but I'm sooooo nervous. I'm afraid he'll give me that cold detached look that he did over Skype. But I've lived through it once and I think I can do it again.

Besides, it saves me about a hundred bucks! I know, it's a small amount while potentially setting me back months of emotional healing, but it would be a nice reprieve since I'm spending so much money on this friggin' trip.

More'n likely, my Mr. Baggins feels so guilty he won't go for this plan at all. Lol, poor guy. I feel so bad for him. I never thought I would love someone like him...now I can't believe I'm going through this. But things "are what they are"...unless you change it. :)

Me: Tough time...

Nothing's wrong with me.

I need to keep chanting that mantra. I'm a really good guy; I just tend to wear my feelings on my sleeves. I should try and protect my silly heart but that goes against who I am.

I keep trying to tell myself to move on. To stop thinking about him. But in doing so, I (again) go against my nature which causes me to feel more stressed out.

I'm really having a tough time with this. I really am.

The pain will subside at some point. And it dawned on me that I won't be able to date anyone until then. Hell, even having sex is awkward and unfulfilling.

Starting tomorrow, I spend less time on the computer, I work out regularly, I start meditating. I'm trying to force myself to lean into my pain. To truly just let it wash over me while I enjoy the ability to feel and emote.

I know something good will come of all this.

Like I told myself so many years ago while I sat in the tub, scared of my inner attraction to boys:

"It will get better because it HAS to."

Concentrate on improving yourself and everything else will work itself out.
I need to read more.
Spend less time on the internet.
Exercise regularly.
Eat on a schedule.
Study.
Meditate.
Don't feel guilt or regret; love him from afar and take things at face value. No deep thoughts, no collateral.

Me: Airports are not my forte

For some strange reason, coming to the airport brings out the worst in me. Even when the day is overall going smoothly, I just hate being amongst a huge throng of humanity that I don't know. I also think it's because I feel so powerless.
I think it's also think it's because I a inherently opposed to being treated like cattle which is essentially what we are. I don't see how anyone can make this experience more pleasant other than to just make sure you have someone you are consistently travelling with.
Ah well, here's to good travels and a successful interview!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: More music...

I am loving the Pandora station that I've created that plays classical. Some of it is terrif! Some, not so much. But all in all, I've only nixed one song out of dozens.

I wanted to "jot" this one down before I forgot:

Bach: Brandenburg Concertos 1-3, Brandenburg Concerto No.2, in F Major, Mwv 1047: I. Allegro performed by Berlin Chamber Orchestra

Very straightforward chords and strings. :)

Me: From the Crackberry

So this is my first blog from my Blackberry and I must admit, the idea of actually writing things as I think about them is pretty novel...and fun! We'll have to wait and see how much I actually use it though.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: Time for a Change...

A true change.

So I fell into a rut. A pretty good one, actually. The last 5 years have been amazingly educational. I've truly had some highs and some terrible lows.

And now I'm going to change that. It starts right now.

Luke, thank you for helping me do this.

India.arie and Fantasia, y'all were helpful too.

I will be more responsible. I will be bold and loving. I will love myself first and foremost.

It begins now. I plan to blog more often because this should be fun! :)

Me: Back and better...

Luke and I didn't make it over our first major hurdle. Lol, he hit it and decided to take some time off the racetrack. I wasn't exactly ready to let him, but I realize I had to. :) I commend him for being the stubborn almost overly cold person he was during the breakup. To tell you the truth, he acted more in our best interests than I did. Because I couldn't stand to NOT talk to him.

But I'm giving up on that part. Note, I'm not giving up on loving him...because I can't stop loving him. But I've loved people before and in time, I forget them. I'll remember the faint good things but the romantic feelings will subside. I see that now.

I've learned alot. He taught me that I need to have a husband who knows how to cook and wants me as their sous chef. He introduced me to a wealth of music I would have not been exposed to. He taught me to let my guard down. He helped me reconnect with my ability to cry and to love myself despite (0r because of) it.

I'm going for my first job interview Monday; if everything works out well, I'll be possibly heading to Central Texas. How cool with that be! :)

I also have a nice friend who's been so willing to fulfill the need that Luke is leaving behind. So far, we're just friends and I have NO intention of dating anyone for probably the next full year. I'm beginning to enjoy single life again and it's not some "bane" to my existence.

Stand tall, bip2, and smile. God isn't finished with you yet. :)