Me: More Writer's Block...

I'm amazed at my ability to procrastinate when I KNOW I'm supposed to be doing something of merit. But the super hard part about right now is that I'm obviously trying to distract myself from the fact that BooBear isn't here and that I've never really come out of my funk.

So I'm doing things I know I shouldn't do (bad bip2!) but I can't seem to stop it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Pathetic.

I'll work harder at it.

Me: Love is tough...

Lordamercy...

The emotional rollercoaster that love takes you on is always changing and turning. I'm glad I wasn't overly naive as to think it'd be smooth sailing, but I was still naive enough to not realize how tricky it could be.

Luckily, I'm with a great guy who seems to love me as much as I love him. The only real hard thing for me is what to do with his situation.

I know that "everyone has something" that they have to deal with, but I've specifically kept as little baggage around my waist as humanly possible in the hopes of finding that someone. I don't like to burden others, per se, so I keep it light.

He, on the other hand, has some big conundrums to deal with and I want to help him, but it's one of those things that if I help him and push him either here or there, he could easily resent me for years to come. And I don't want to be the endpoint of something that could lead to righteous fury.

So in turn that means I must wait. I must bide my time and bite my lip, though there are lots of things about it that make me jealous and sad and happy and torn.

It's a cluster, to say the least.

But he's worth it. He's really worth it. A guy of this caliber doesn't come along often.

*sigh* what to do, what to do...

Professional: Goddamn sacrifices...

Ugh.

Once again, the nuances of progress and self-improvement through career plagues me again. This time, it's gonna put a strain and stress on one of the most important and amazing relationships I've ever had.

Fate is a fickle bitch indeed.

Ugh.

I'm frustrated.

Black: Do You Love Me?

So I brought up the race issue today just so that my mind is clear. JL is a stunningly handsome man who just happens to be white. I asked him today if it bothered him to be with a black guy. He mentioned that it might be interesting if he takes me home and (because he's wonderful) asked me if I would be comfortable there. I have no trouble with that in the least.

I also reassured him that he would be welcomed at my home in East Texas as well.

But I had this need to ask and need to know that we could be okay racially. I guess it just goes to show how much I still need to work on this and make it make sense to me.

But he's willing to have me and I'm willing to love him for the rest of my life.

While the cliche is becoming more and more true everyday, I can still see that he's a white man. But the difference is he a man that I love more than myself; that supercedes anything else I could ever dream of. JL has this way of making me think that the honeymoon will never end...

Me: In love?

Yup, whouda thunk it.

We first encountered one another on June 1, 2009 at a meeting of like minds, hoping to form a GLBT friendly group on the hospital campus. I recall sitting across from a very good looking fella, but knew that we likely had nothing in common other than the fact that we were both at a meeting.

There are finer details, but suffice it to say, he agreed to come over to watch Legally Blonde the Musical.

On June 8, 2009, he came over and we watched half of the musical. That's when I first learned we had lots in common. I shook his hand, he hugged me. It was one of the most genuine hugs I've ever had in my life.

We emailed back and forth via Facebook, but never really said anything of consequence. Neither of us is very good at overt flirting.

On June 12, 2009, after coming home from the Peds Roast with thoughts of him on my mind, we talked for 3-4 hours via Facebook and we discovered we were soulmates.

On June 13, 2009, he visited me on call and I've never had as good a call day as that. He is amazing and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

On June 15, 2009, we cried together in his lab while he passed electrical stimulation through rat brain tissue. He called us renaissance men. Truer words have never been spoken.

On June 16, 2009, he called me and reported that he was no longer with his partner. The real beginning of our lives is now upon us.

I have never felt so content in my whole life. Yes, I am prone to hyperbole, but this time is different. My life will be different. And I'm not going to take a second of it for granted.

Black: Too Much Sun...

So lately I've been reminded that spending time in the sun makes you blacker.

I spent this whole weekend playing kickball and I have lots to show for it, including sore muscles, achy body, and darker skin.

Today, while sitting on the Time's patio, I actually had the thought "I need to get in the shade cuz I don't want to get any darker." That insinuates that there's something wrong with being darker, and I immediately felt bad and ashamed of myself. I don't mind my color; this variation of statement is a long time coming, because for a long while, it felt like a curse.

But now, I'm getting comfortable with being black and knowing who I am and what I want and what I can achieve if I put my mind to it.

Yet, all that was thrown in the air when I thought about the repercussions of me getting some UVA and UVB lights to warm my skin and make more Vitamin D.

Funny how some of our internalized racism can just pop up whenever it wants :/

Gay Professional: Pride Festival...

So for the first time, I'll really be putting my sexuality out in public for all to see.

I'm slated to lead a song for our chorus at the local pride festival. This'll be only the second year that it's going on and I'm potentially leading a chorus of not-overly-closeted guys in renditions of songs that I've sung before.

Daunting?

My main hesitation (though no matter what, I think it's important for me to do this) is because not everyone knows I'm gay. I'm sure there'll be some backlash in a sense. But I'm not exactly sure how the fallout will...well, fall.

And one large unspoken factor for me is that I do have a pediatrics component to my training...well, let's just wait and see what happens, shall we?

Black Gay: Older Men...

I have found that older men have a striking quality about them that is not only attractive, but it's secure and refreshing.

I just met a guy recently and we've been on a couple dates. He's 15 years my senior but doesn't look it at all. He works out regularly and grooms himself to a T. While I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, it's nice to be able to go out with someone who knows how to handle himself.

And sexually...well, I don't know what to say other than wow.

It's interesting to me though that I am the first black guy he's ever gone out with. He says that he's thought about it alot and has always wanted to. We had even met before on the MeatMarket but never hooked up (which in retrospect I am really really glad for.) And from what he tells me, his family is quite the racist group of folks...it'll be interesting if things work out between us and we happen to be together for a while.

Let's see what happens...

Me: End of the Line?

Caring just gets you into more and more trouble with yourself.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you do to other folks. What you cure, what you fuck up, what you advocate for or against. What matters is what you do for and to yourself.

And I'm having a hard time figuring out why I put myself into icky conundrums.

I can't cry anymore...and I'm not gonna hold back punches.

I have nothing much to lose, especially when I loathe my actions so much so that I've become numb and angry all the time.

And afraid.

And weird.

I'm not like that..."I'm" being the real me. I love life. I want to live it. There's so much to list that I won't even go into. So why am I this icky person? Where'd he come from?

I dunno but something's gotta change...

Me: Constant Reminders...

No matter where I am in this great state, I'm constantly reminded that I'm different.

But I didn't feel that way in Dallas last weekend.

Is it me? My environment? My social support/friends?

I'm not totally sure, but I do feel that things may be totally different after this whole on-line contest thing is over. Burnsy wants me to be on there with shirt off and cheesy grin; I have no desire or plan to do anything of the sort (it goes against everything I am and aspire to be.)

My constant reminder (or cognitive schema if you will) that continuously sounds in the background is 'and who do you think you are?"

No body...but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming...

Me: America's Next Gay Bachelor...

I'm not that cute.

I'm not that eye-candy-eatable.

But I am normal and comprehensive.

In a very roundabout way, I signed up for a contest whose results will be very interesting. I used to pride myself on "seeing the future" but this is one who's outcome remains a mystery...

I'll write more later, but needless to say, I'm totally out and out of my comfort zone now. I did cherry-pick whom I sent the email notification to but it's now out of my hands and we'll have to see where the chips fall.

*Deep breath*

I'm excited!

Gay: Mr. Kentucky...

So apparently, I'm Mr. Kentucky!

Who knew?!?!

Lol, I happened to register for a website called MyPartner.com one evening because I was really feeling forlorn about the possibilities of finding that special someone in the middle of nowhere. And by chance, I got an email from a random person nominating me for Americas Next Gay Bachelor (or something akin to that.)

I responded to him in kind, thanking him for something like this but not really putting much stock into it. Turns out, he runs the whole damn thing :)

In any case, I'll take my nomination and run with it...I think. I'm not one to glorify my actions on a physical level (as I don't think I'm that cute...or at least not cute enough to hang with the boys on there.)

But it'll be an interesting exercise either way...in the end, I really should take my message of loving thyself and others further. If this be the medium, so be it.

I am a bit wary of the skeletons I've let out of the closet coming back to haunt me...but I KNOW I have a safe haven in other states, in other lands.

So let's see what happens, shall we? :)

Me: Gotta Move...

Yeah, my visit to Dallas to see old med school friends was awesome for it's inherent goodness properties of seeing old family and reminiscing with old friends. We partied and ate ourselves into financial distress as always.

And we're setting the foundation for future reunions and playdates as we grow old within the field.

But more importantly, this weekend taught me that I have been shortchanging myself. I've been afraid to tackle my situation head-on and in turn, I've made things worse for me without consciously knowing it.

No, I don't regret my time in horse-land, but it definitely is telling when I can be out and do my thing in a place like Dallas without getting stares or looks. I'm sure places like that have their drawbacks but as of right now, they're awesomely fun to be in.

Horse-land is a place that people would come to settle down...once again, I'm head of my time in this regard. Lol, you'd think a guy would learn, but I'm as hardheaded as they come.

So unless something superb happens, I'll be moving on back down towards more metropolitan areas...where the cultural diversity is teeming with energy. Being in places like B/CS and Temple and Horse-Land have a way of dampening your acceptance of things outside of the norm.

I must actively fight to keep that from happening.

Black: My patients, my patience

I just finished seeing a patient with whom I could completely commiserate.  

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this.  If I can be objective and detached yet empathetic enough to help others feel better.  

Do I truly know what I'm doing????

My patient told a tale that I know too well.  Of not having money to make ends meet.  Of figuring out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. Of having to be humble and swallow your pride despite having the burning hatred of fire in the pit of your stomach that cries out against God or Fate or whatever being that may be because you simply can't believe that everything bad is coming your way.

Sure, it's probably a huge cognitive distortion.  But at the time, psycho-mumbo-jumbo doesn't matter because you're so angry that things have gotten to this point.  Some of us (like my patient) turn to substances to address this issue.  Other's of us (like me) just turn it all inward and slowly feel pieces of you falling away that you may never recapture.

Damn, psychiatry is taxing. 

---

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Gay: New Meat Market...

So now Craigslist is in on the action and it's the cheaper (free!) incognito version of MH and A4A which yields itself to all kinds of yuck.

Sometimes things feel too good to be true and in this case, they most definitely are. Yeah, there are nice guys out there, but one's imagination runs rampant when you have words saying those things that get your mojo flowing and no picture to combat a man's imagination.

So when you actually meet these folks, they're not appealing to the eyes. I hate to stereotype but alas, it is so true. The benefits of the other MeatMarkets were that it took effort to sign up and or pay. That keeps things at least at a slightly higher caliber.

But not Craigslist.

And now someone (actually a couple folk) are dead because a med student in Boston chose to meet them and kill them. I don't know what this whole guy's story will be...but he's a seemingly normal white fella who's engaged to be married soon. He took it upon himself to extinguish the life of two or three people he's never met outside of on the internet.

Maybe it was guilt...or self righteousness...I dunno. We'll see.

But what it does tell me is that this website is dangerous and I should stick to my new attempts at self improvement and celibacy.

Here's to me! *drink*

Me: Institutional Coming Out...

So I'm throwing my hat into the ring as an out and proud gay man.

The new organization that is starting on campus, we've dubbed HOPE, Health Occupation Professionals for Equality. I didn't think it up...but it's awfully catchy and all encompassing.

I'm hoping to recruit more of our wonderful residents into being mentors for the up and coming medical students and advocates for patients who are GLBT. We'll see what response I get. Part of me thinks it's no big deal but I'm in a land where a black man wearing a white coat is still a sight to behold.

The bigger question: am I putting myself at risk? Probably. Actually definately. I just hope that the message and tone are manageable enough for people to stomach. Some of my fellow residents don't know I'm gay and I'm not sure that the message will explicitly say this. But I do know, regardless, that I'll be linked with this group the remainder of the time I'm here.

Again, am I ready for this?

I don't know.

But as I've learned in therapy, being gay may have been my saving grace. I've always thought of it as a shortcoming, something that I've needed to temper and mold and hide. But it kept my mind sharp, my senses honed, and my desire for world peace and understanding afloat...all of which makes me who I am today.

This'll be interesting...let's see what happens!

Black Gay: Craigslist...

This is a little website adventure that I've recently discovered which I will not let turn into the craziness of the other Meatsites.

But the premise is the same: horny guys finding other horny people. The reverse is true but alas, I do not frequent those pages.

All in all, it's been an interesting little experiment but I'll likely head to other pastures, mainly because I don't have time to do that kinda stuff again. And the emotional fallout from the last time is enough to make me wary.

But it just goes to show that when the hormones get a ragin', there's nothing that can stop 'em. :)

Me: Poor in Every Sense of the Word...

It sucks....

Why did they have to make a point of pointing out how different we are. People that I considered my closest friends...well, let's just say that they pulled out the stops when trying to wooo others to their cause...

Which I don't really understand. You would think that they would just throw the option out there. But alas, that is not the case. I don't know if they were drunk or what but they made a point of showing just how different we are.

And that begs the question: should I go to Europe with them? Or should I just say that things won't work out and be done with it.

Truth to tell I can't "afford" to go but it's a great opportunity so I may as well. It'd be fun to see what the English live and look like.

What's worse is that they've "fallen from grace." In my terms, that means that they've been held in really high esteem only to be replaced by normal, fallible human beings. Which kinda sucks.

In retrospect, I've been needed to concentrate on myself anyway so this just gives me the opporutnity to do so. Now I can really be introspective without the comments from the peanut gallery.

But once again it happens. I need to process this in therapy. :(

Me: The Story Thus Far...

I was just downstairs folding clothes and listening to P Diddy's "ode to Biggie" and I began to think: "how has my life been."

And overall, it's been a good ride. Yeah, I went through hell and back, but I've met people and done things that I never thought possible. I'm downloading hours of old video into my computer and one of them was our ski trip to Red River New Mexico. Despite the "friend group" breaking up, at that time, for those moments, life was perfect.

There are lots of those perfect moments that I've shared with others in the past....the residents at the lakehouse, various weddings, reunions, etc.

And I'm a friggin' doctor. People trust me and trust in me to help them feel better.

How fuckin' awesome is that!?!

So I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Being black, gay, and professional is actually a good thing after all...

I love me.

Me: Not A Rarity...

At least not in D.C.

I've discovered quite a wonderful city. Sure, I've been to D.C. before but I didn't really pay much attention the last time I came. I spent the time worrying about how I would be perceived so I relegated myself to the tourist position.

Don't get me wrong, it was hella fun. I took all kinds of pictures that I need to post. But I didn't really feel like I got a sense of the city.

But during this vacation, I have. And I know that it'll only get better. In fact, there are so many things that I've learned about myself, I'm writing this blog as a reminder to myself that I am not alone in my strengths or my weaknesses. That I am not unique and in this regard, that's a good thing.

I have seen so many black people here who (at least on the surface) are well put together and professional. I have seen many gay folks here who are also awesome. While I didn't see many black gay professionals, I am going to assume that they're here and I know I'm right.

Here's to D.C. The only thing that could've made this trip better would be warm temperatures. There's something about cold that still tempers my excitement for life but I can't let that ruin a week of rest and recuperation.

Salut! Indeed!

Gay: How Soon We Forget...

It's shocking how fast the news of Chris' death fell away from the limelight.

It's shocking how quickly the realm of psychiatry forgot how it treated it's gay counterparts.

It's shocking how soon after I'm scared to death of a random hookup that I contemplate getting back on the site.

It's shocking how one longs to be in a relationship yet finds any which way to get out of it when it doesn't meet the pre-relationship ideals.

I'd like to think this was part of the human condition but I'm not that naive. No, I think this is more a product of our society.

We live and die by the seat of our pants, barely hanging on to the vestiges of history, dooming ourselves to repeat our mistakes simply because we're not paying attention.

But Fate (the fickle bitch) has a way of turning everything on it's head....

Me: Fight the Feeling...

So I am actively fighting against finding a boyfriend.

Alot of my day is consumed with thoughts of him. What he looks like, what he does for a living. It's really pathetic and I can't seem to shake it.

Even when I purposefully don't think about it, I think about it. It's a negative spiral that only ends up with me feeling worse. I know...sad.

I'm actively trying to plan my DC trip (a week away) so that I am living in the moment and NOT spending time trying to go to less than savory places. My goal is to experience D.C. as a tourist and I'm going to accomplish that even if I'm a lardass at my casa away from my casa.

Rose informed me that interracial couples there aren't looked upon kindly as it is. Lol, I wish that would deter me but of course it won't. But then again, I'm not looking for love.

I will continue to repeat this mantra daily until after vacation is over with.

I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking.

There, I feel better already! ;)

Professional: Busybodies...

I don't like them.

These are the folks who can't "mind their own business" and often find various ways to affect yours.

For instance, B-Rad contacted his nurse manager regarding pharmacy orders that really didn't make a damn bit of difference. I spoke with him on the phone. Later I get an email about it from my boss.

So I confront him, respectfully and professionally and ask him never to do that again. Of course my direct and friendly approach scared the shit out of him, but in the end, I think I got my point across.

So what's wrong with someone constructively criticizing me? Nothing. But I have no tolerance for people who sit back and play "Monday Morning Quarterback" when there are those of us who are busting their ass to get stuff done. I would be much less angry and irritated with these types of people if they rolled up their sleeves and were truly team players...

But then they wouldn't have time to be busybodies...

Gay: Social Responsibility...

Being out is hard. It just is.

The first step of coming out to oneself is difficult enough in itself. Allowing yourself to be known as such is so definitive, so confining. I've always shined away from being "categorized" unless it had positive connotations.

But not being publicly out and active is slowly making me feel more uncomfortable with myself. I almost feel as if I am being untrue when I balk at going to functions or supporting my community in show of extraversion.

Each time that I reach out (or attempt to) I find that the lines of communication have grown cold. Old email sites, old listserves, outdated officers of organizations. Nothing seems alive. I would almost people take down these sites completely, so as not to raise false hope.

But this is my blessing and my curse. Something big will happen for me in these arenas someday and I should be patient.

For instance, I'm flying to D.C. for my first vacation in about 6 years or so...my goal is to see culture and immerse myself in diversity of food, folks, and thought. I have no intention on purposefully limiting myself to gayborhood but instead hope to simply enjoy my time there.

This followed by time in Dallas (which likely I won't seem much gay time) then San Francisco. Again, looking for love is not the goal; instead self improvement should be.

It's hard. Coming out is hard. Not being in a relationship is hard. But I have to remind myself: it's all worth it in the end. Don't settle. Explore. Enjoy. Grow. Breathe.

I dodged the HIV bullet at the 3 month mark; I don't intend to fool around with anyone until the 6 month mark to ensure things turn out okay. We'll see how well I do with purposeful abstinence. :)

Me: Hurtin'...

I don't know if its the return of the raging allergic rhinitis/pseudosinusitis that's making me ache all over or the crash from putting up a good show for my patients today, but I'm aching. My whole body is hurting, I'm coughing, snotting up a friggin' storm, can't smell much less breathe through my nose, it's cold, I'm bitter and lonely and self defeating and I just want to sleep.

So yeah, I need a vacation.

To make matters worse, I just got word that we're no longer in total control of my bereavement camp and to tell you the truth, I'm fighting mad! Absolutely furious! Once again, fate (the fickle bitch) rears her ugly head and says "for those without money, you will abide by those who do." In this instance, it's a multi-million (if not billion) dollar healthcare franchise who doesn't want to provide insurance coverage for a camp that they've commissioned for the last 10 years.

So now, another group has offered and they've put their point person in charge and let's just say, this is one doctor that doesn't do change.

Now comes the conversation: should I take my vacation day and truly do that: vacation? Or should I potentially spend a week and a shitload of money to be second guessed by someone I know with an odd-work ethic...

It's a clusterfuck.

And it makes the aching even worse...as I sit here and type, all hunched over and old, I wonder what's happening to me? What is it that makes me continue to fall into less than savory places? Sure, I know, it's the whole cursed fate mentality, but damn, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, it ain't an ostrich.

Flonase. Aleve Cold and Sinus. Heat. Sleep. That's what I'll be up to tonight...

Me: A Fraud...

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Me: Update...

Lots of stuff has been going on, so here're some highlights:

1. I'm seeing a therapist! She's fantastic and I must admit, it's nice to learn how others do therapy outside of the residency. It's also very uncomfortable revealing some of these things sometimes...for instance, the "I'm special" thing...yikes! But I look forward to going.

2. I'm getting regular massages: I figure I might as well keep working on releasing tension in these crazy stressed muscles of mine. Yeah, it's expensive but like Dr. Burns said, "it's worth every penny."

3. I'm negative! So I found myself back on the MeatSites (yeah, men are weak, what can I say?) and ran across a guy that I thought was decent. Turns out he wasn't...cue 2.5 months later, I'm nervous...but lo, HIV results are negatory! Even doctors make mistakes sometimes...

4. I'm procrastinating more than ever! Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed...which is sad, because this semester, I have more time than ever, yet I squander it away as if I'm "really busy." Maybe it's just my depression.

I'll write more later and more often because everytime I think about getting on an online dating site, I am going to chide and force myself to come here and right? Do you think it'll work? I dunno...let's try it and see!

Me: Isolating...

I never really realized that I push people away all.the.time. I guess it's become second nature, so much so that I simply put up barriers in the beginning thereby cutting out the need later to do so later on. Lol, it's ergonomic relationship making at its best. :(

Wow, even thinking about this stuff is brain-cramp inducing....add all this to the fact that I feel more ambivalent about things now than earlier and you have a recipe for a procrastination disaster. Sure, I'm putting off major projects that I need to get done, but part of me wonders why even worry about it. Why not just let the chips lie where they fall and walk away from those things that stress me out.

But there's this inner being that won't let me walk away from my obligations. It constantly reminds me that I should "finish what I started" which isn't a bad idea. It's just that nowadays, it's costing me more and more mental energy to deal with this shit when I sometimes feel I barely have enough emotional reserve just to get through the day.

I need a vacation...or a boyfriend. :) Nother story for another day...

Professional: Pissed Off and Fed Up...

The night that Mike rolled his eyes will forever be etched in my memory...in fact, I think it nonverbally says it all...and the breakup doesn't help, heh.

I am amazed at the way medical residents are treated across the country (at most places) but especially at UK.

I'll say it til I'm blue in the face but residents get less respect among these so-called "educated" medical professionals than I did working retail with some folks who didn't even finish high school. It's astonishing!

The passive-aggressiveness...the sighing...the conniving...the prancing...the pomp and circumstance...holy shit people! Are we taking care of patients or having one giant pissing contest from which no one can reap benefits?

And there's nothing that burns me up more than poor leadership...Wait, I lied. Poor leadership that causes direct decline of my personal quality of life burns me up even more. Oooo...even better, poor leadership that screws up my life AND that gets self righteous when I respectfully disagree just leaves me in ashes.

Some say I should "choose my battles." Heh, I'm tired of fighting...a lifetime of fighting can make you that way, ya know? The body is not meant to constantly be in a stress state; why would I choose to defy nature?

What am I gonna do....? I'm so, so tired and I'm over this shit...I'm quickly running out of reasons for "staying the course."

Is it really asking too much to feel appreciated? Really?

Me: The Missing Link...

So, I was just checking out the National Black Justice Coalition and immediately started fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to go to national conference with a slew of folks with whom I have an intimate common factor.

But if I know conferences (and I do cuz I've been to dozens) they will be the staid, stand-off'ish egotistical pissing matches that they always are. And with this particular organization, they are very friendly with the Black Church and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to fall back or even interact with those folks just yet.

Anywhoo, looking at the pictures on the website, I grew a little nostalgic for a community like this...but I know I'll get there with my small town country ways and want to meet everyone and for everyone to sing kumbayah. So, that begs the question: is there a place for me there?

I've been giving this lots of thought, but there must be some way I can tap into my past and find those times or instances where I reached out as a closeted gay youth and came up empty. If we could pinpoint those kinds of things, we could initiate those on a larger scale, to grow our ranks from the bottom up.

Off the top of my head, there're churches, bibles, school guidance counselors, the internet: manhunt, gay.com, blackplanet, match, chemistry, yahoopersonals, college campuses (jackpot!), television, fictional novels, speech circuit.

And what I really hate is that most of these events are "high falutin'" and would intimidate most folks who'd like to come for the camaraderie. Don't get me wrong; I think it's important to "raise the standard" to the professional expectations of any national group, but I would hate to have the events so sterile and cold that it turns people off (like oh so many conferences did to me.)

I'll keep it in mind...

Professional: BOHICA again...

So once again, I get screwed. Now I must move my continuity clinic to appease a fellow resident who failed miserably at taking care of his business. Now I suffer the consequences. It's really disheartening for me, mainly because I had pretty successfully moved to the background and kept to myself.

I stopped going to candidate dinners and raising a fuss with the unethical research requirement. I stopped sending any types of emails or giving my input at all. I was meticulous in regards to covering my bases and making sure that all the i's were dotted and the t's crossed.

And now this.

What really gets me is that my fellow resident didn't admit fault and instead acts as if I did something wrong when I didn't.

I could argue and try to make my case, but why? I know these people already are biased against me and any rebuttal would just make things worse. It's really funny when I talk to other friends because they've always been cautious of me being here, believing that there are much better, more appropriate places for me.

And now I would agree. In fact, I'm taking it a step further...or is it farther? Anywhoo, I would venture to say that alot of this is either personal (i.e. vindication for calling their shit all the time) or racial. At this point, the two are likely ground well into one another.

So what do I do now?

For starters, I've started seeing my therapist again, so that's good. I don't know that she can offer much help, but she is helping me think through some things. I always just unload on her; I hope she's not experiencing too much transference, cuz I know I'm giving it off. :)

Secondly, I'm seeing my massage therapist who helps keep my neck from becoming torticollis.

Thirdly, I'm doing lots of positive self talk, in hopes that I will convince myself to stick around for the next 2 years...

I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but it'll be interesting to say the least...

Professional: Getting Screwed Yet Again...

So because of the royal screwup of a fellow resident, I may have to suffer the consequences...

It's a painful story to type out and I don't want to dwell on what's happening cuz it just makes me sad and depressed (and I'm trying to have a Sucka-Free 2009) so I'll leave it at this:

Looks like my name is sullied and there's not much I can do but laugh.

Pretty shitty, no?

Me: Prop 8 The Musical...

"What else does the Bible say Jesus?"

This film short if amazingly funny! I think I've played the poor thing a good 30 times thus far. That Marc Shaiman is one talented gentleman.

I love that they have the token black gospel singer who "harumphs" and the whole nine yards. And Maya Rudolph is fantasticly cheesy. Being the inquisitive gay man that I am, of course I had to look up a couple other players who are just cutey-patooties. One is named JB Ghuman and the other is a John Hall. Both very fun to look at but extremely effeminate. Not a bad thing in itself, but I tend to like my guys a bit more masculine.

Anywhoo, the short has a great message, namely the good ole Mormon church used fear tactics to get people to vote for Prop 8 and that our message was lost in the shuffle, partly because of the awesome presidential furor.

Here's to keeping the fight alive!

Professional: Investments...

So I don't quite know what I'm doing yet, but I've started putting money in Sharebuilder. Actually, it's been only 75 bucks but we'll see what happens to it. When it rapidly lost value, I immediately thought, "shit, let me get my money outta there." But that's not how you build wealth.

I'll try to get BabyRuth's book "idiot's guide to investing" to see if I can figure out what to do with this little modicum of the rich people's life.

Speaking of rich people, I've contemplated moonlighting, but I do think it'll get me in some trouble in the end, cuz I'm sure I'm gonna love the paychecks. :) So I was thinking I'll just intensely concentrate on cutting back on my expenditures, especially seeing as how I'm making a couple thousand extra than I was two years ago.

Anywhoo, this is where I completely don't know what I'm doing and would love to hire a financial planner...but of course that takes money. Catch-22, thy name is "independent wealth." Hahaha, another manifestation of the "can't win for losing" mentality that I have so often. We'll see what happens. I am, however, using an online money market account which gives me a pretty good return on my measley 50 bucks I have going to it monthly. Like Oprah says, pay yourself first!

Black: Dog-gone it...lol

So, I didn't grow up with a dog, so I don't understand most of my friends (who are mostly white) propensity to get them, love them, and consider them a part of the family.

Sure, I understand their awesome companionship and yes, I understand that they cannot fend for themselves and that we, as stewards and the premier force on this planet, must care for them. But I don't understand when we put humans second to our canine counterparts.

To me, they're sweet and fun to play with; but like children, I personally want to return them to whomever I got them from at the end of the day/night so that I am free of poop scooping (which I hate all kinds of shit at this point in my life) and feeding them, and cleaning up after them.

The kisses from a well behaved puppy or dog are awesome and I do believe that they are likely a way to decrease tension and blood pressure. But I also see them as the liability that they are, never mind the fact that they live much shorter lives than us!!!

So, JessiesGirl has a Great Dane and while I don't mind puppies (even gargantuan ones) his is just too poorly behaved when I'm around for me to like him. And I don't know that I'm ready for him to visit the inside of my house; I like my floors and furniture and don't want them torn up just yet.

And remember, I'm an olfactory nut, so if it smells like dog in my house, I won't be a happy camper...

Speaking of camp, I gotta get to work on some things...

Me: Damn, dating is hard...

Part of me wants to just run simply because dating takes away from all my other spare time. Lol, I'm such a prick sometimes. Luckily, it hasn't impinged too much, but I haven't started back at work yet, so who even knows what's gonna happen when I have less time than I do now.

He's a good guy; it's really funny since I've already broken up with him once (my fault.) But I saw some signs and didn't want to waste my time and his if I couldn't get over them.

And now we have reached a personal impasse because it's evident to me that he thinks of me as a psychiatrist and not as his boyfriend.

For example, he didn't attend the New Years shindig or post New Years 4 person dinner that we were invited to because he said he suffers from social anxiety disorder. Now, I have a professional opinion of this diagnosis and I place most of the inadequacy of said diagnosis on the person because this is a constellation of symptoms that can be treated and with a little therapy, completely overcome.

Why do I say this? Because I've done it. And I'm not an exceptional person.

In his regard, it means simply tweaking how he meets people, in what time, place, etc. Telling me "no, I can't do" something does nothing for me because it shows me that you're not willing to take a step out of the box. And if you're not willing to step out of the box, I have no time for you.

I've had to do some box-stepping my entire life, so I don't really take kindly to hearing people pine over what they don't have or can't find. Call it a weakness of mine.

Outside of this, he's a genuinely good guy, with good intentions, and a sunny disposition. I like him. I do. But I don't know how long we'll play if things continue down this vein...