Gay: Social Responsibility...

Being out is hard. It just is.

The first step of coming out to oneself is difficult enough in itself. Allowing yourself to be known as such is so definitive, so confining. I've always shined away from being "categorized" unless it had positive connotations.

But not being publicly out and active is slowly making me feel more uncomfortable with myself. I almost feel as if I am being untrue when I balk at going to functions or supporting my community in show of extraversion.

Each time that I reach out (or attempt to) I find that the lines of communication have grown cold. Old email sites, old listserves, outdated officers of organizations. Nothing seems alive. I would almost people take down these sites completely, so as not to raise false hope.

But this is my blessing and my curse. Something big will happen for me in these arenas someday and I should be patient.

For instance, I'm flying to D.C. for my first vacation in about 6 years or so...my goal is to see culture and immerse myself in diversity of food, folks, and thought. I have no intention on purposefully limiting myself to gayborhood but instead hope to simply enjoy my time there.

This followed by time in Dallas (which likely I won't seem much gay time) then San Francisco. Again, looking for love is not the goal; instead self improvement should be.

It's hard. Coming out is hard. Not being in a relationship is hard. But I have to remind myself: it's all worth it in the end. Don't settle. Explore. Enjoy. Grow. Breathe.

I dodged the HIV bullet at the 3 month mark; I don't intend to fool around with anyone until the 6 month mark to ensure things turn out okay. We'll see how well I do with purposeful abstinence. :)