Me: He took it all...

For years I built a shell around me. It was a fascade of happiness and confidence. Of extroverted exuberance. I wished to experience what life had to offer while tricking myself to think above and beyond. It was built on a shelf that I thought would never move. It was a seasoned shelf of self defense that I've been constructing since I was at least 14 or 15. Ever since Momma said "stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves." It's survived everything that 30 years could throw at it. I was proud, very proud of my accomplishments. But I sit here, a broken man, because I let someone into my heart that unhinged the shelf from it's tenuous moorings. And it slid off my personage and lies on the floor in a hundred million unfixable pieces. And I don't know how to fix it because he took all the glue. And the instructions. And the desire. I want to quit. Quit my job. Quit my friends. Quit my family. Quit my life. I have never felt so raw; so exposed. So desperate and alone. So hopeless. My mind says that it will get better. Just "fake it til you make it" or "plug and chug." But I don't know about that anymore. I don't know about anything. Luke is not a bad guy. He did not cause this, per se. And this needed to happen just as he needed (obviously) to move to "greener" pastures. How will I respond to this, the most serious challenge to my life and livelihood? By becoming bitter? Resenting others for their happiness, growling under my breath, cursing God for fucking me over again? By becoming flippant? Trying to make up ways to distract myself through jokes, dancing, escapades? By becoming angry? How do I live a life that I no longer recognize? That I know longer understand?

Me: You may be wrong. Really really wrong...

I don't know what to do... If I completely give up on him, I go against how I feel. If I keep him in mind, I potentially cheat myself. How do I reconcile these things. I love him. More than anything else in the world. And so I don't pick either side; I'm walking in the middle...and that may be the wrong choice as well. God, I feel so very very confused.

Music: Another great classical tune...

As I sit here typing a dictation that is over a month old, this is playing: Finzi: Clarinet Concerto, Romance for String Orchestra in E Flat, Op. 11: Andante Espressivo, Piu Mosso, Tempo Primo. It's a great song :) Truly exquisite and heart rending. God is amazing that he created such things...wow.

Me: A dream, a memory...

I had a dream about JL not too long ago. As all good dreams do, they fade as soon as you awake. But I recall visiting an apartment/flat like structure with Mama Popovic. And for whatever reason, I think we were in an African nation because the ground outside was dirt with tan rocks everywhere. You'd half expect a tumbleweed to have rolled by. I was walking behind Mama Popovic who was carrying something to give to JL. We came upon the structure and I recall feeling the need to recoil. But for some strange reason, I went after Mama Popovic, through the torn screen door without much hesitation. Inside, sitting in front of a television with a small African child was a tanned or oily faced (or maybe it was sweat) JL, with goatee; the chin portion of the goatee was longer, with streaks of grey. His hair was short and he wore his wire glasses. He had a devilish smile but the two of us didn't make eye contact. He took whatever Mama Popovic gave him (which she did so in her characteristic way) and she began chatting about other things, as if ignoring the weird social silence between her two friends. I distinctly remember thinking, "he smiled" and feeling relieved and smarmy. No words passed between the two of us...that seems to be a theme of these dreams that contain JL. Maybe it suggests all the things that were (and are) being unsaid. Lol, I always laughed at "dream interpretation" because I'm not sure what it means and I didn't put much stock into it. But I don't recall having this many dreams about anyone in my past, nor do I recall them being so profound that I would wake up and think about them the next day. I used to dream like this, when I was younger. I thought that all of this had just disappeared as a function of aging...this relationship may have changed me more than I realized...

Me: Child-less...

Relationships are hard. Parenthood is hard. And with both, you take a huge gamble...your partner could cheat, could lie, could hide their true intent, could simply become an asshole, become too clingy, become dependent or too independent. They could be stable but fall into a career that takes them away from you or expose them to areas that remind them that they have other skeletons in their closet that they haven't addressed. When I look around at my successfully married friends, I'm heartened for those who work really hard to make it work and I'm am heartbroken for those who feel trapped. That's a level of misery that I would never want; to make a pact with someone before all that exists to share a life with someone only to learn that the two of you aren't compatible. Damn, even typing that out made my heart shudder. And parenthood isn't any better. I just read an article by the most recent Details magazine and they show just how parenthood changes people. Kids take time, attention, money, energy, and sacrifice. Given that I'm 30 and am just now able to be independent, I think I shall be independent a little (or alot) longer. I miss my ex. When he and I were together, we talked about having kids. Later, after he broke up with me, I talked with a friend of his and it turns out, he hadn't mentioned having kids to anyone. Shocker, really. But just as I once entertained adopting kids (it was my first year in residency), time has been an amazingly good (and harsh) teacher. Kids have the capacity to be amazing (the president, develop the cure for cancer, be Jesus) or downright dangers (murderers, rapists, conniving businessmen without social conscience). The responsibility that falls on me to ensure he's more of the former than the latter is a daunting task. After I was dumped, I realized that I would only raise children with someone; I have no desire to be a willing single parent. Now that I'm accepting the prospect that I very well may be single for the rest of my life, I have to mesh the child-less aspect with that...and honestly, it doesn't bother me. I have enough biological, social, and psychological nephews and nieces that my pocketbook, my schedule, and my thoughts will be utilized quite well. :) But this way still gives me the opportunity to jaunt off to other cities and countries at my leisure. To go out dancing until 3 am when I want. To eat or not eat when I want. To be complete steward over my day. I'm sure that my feelings will change if I fall in love with someone again...but knowing I don't have to give in to the social pressures (for companionship and children) is reassuring. I feel a bit more...free.