Me: No more Christmas at home...

At least for a while...

I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home this year. I don't know if I was running from the Luke situation or the cold or my life and denial of what's happening to me. Who really knows.

I spent 1000 bucks that I didn't have to travel down and be with my whole family after a 4.5 year hiatus. And we had a great time. We ate, we talked, we drank, we played games, we slept, we reconciled, we built on the future.

But I've had enough. My Mom is tearing our family apart. And for someone who already hates Christmas and the commerciality and superficiality of it all, I just have no tolerance for bullshit. Especially cold bullshit. So I think next year, if I'm on Christmas, I'm heading south to the Bahamas or some place warm, inclusive, and wonderful.

This does not mean, however, that I won't be without the love of Christmas music. Music seems to be becoming more and more of what I need to heal my broken heart and torn soul. I found this compilation that includes quite possibly, my favorite Christmas song ever. It's called "Baby what You Gonna Be?" by Natalie Sleeth. I sang it in 7th grade and haven't forgotten it since.

It's beautiful when it's done correctly and therein lives it's true beauty because it's one of the hardest songs for a choir to sing and sing well. Trust me, I've lived through it twice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnPxBpYY5z0

Listen, absorb, smile, weep. Life is good...

Me: I puked...

After over 10 fucking years (more likely 15 plus), I puked.

I spewed chili everywhere. And worse; it's gonna freeze. It's gonna fucking freeze in front of my goddamned house.

Ain't that something.

I drank too much.

First time this has ever happened that I puked from it.

I do feel a bit better though I'm still inebriated.

I miss Luke.

I want Luke.

I hate Luke.

All at the same time.

I need sleep. :(

Me: Serious procrastination...

It's kinda getting ridiculous actually.

This breakup and heartbreak have derailed me even more than I imagined. I was already feeling senioritis, nervous about jobs, confused about my future, etc...then this came along and threatened to capsize the whole damn boat.

But yet I'm still here, bobbing along.

I find that now, more than ever before, I am truly living in the moment because I really don't know what the future will hold. In talking to Moe, she made me realize that some of the strongest relationships come after the couple breaks up and they realize they can't live without the other. I don't know if Mr. Baggins would ever come back; it would be inspiring and heartbreaking all at once if he did.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to gather my strength and resolve to get shit done. I'm slowly getting better at it. Lol, as my appetite improves, so does my will. But I've noticed that I often lack a "taste" for things. It's kinda like what you feel like eating...lol, in other words, it's the black folks way of saying they have a food preference.

Since he left, I haven't had a taste. And so I walk around, just skirting from moment to moment, eating for sustenance but not necessarily for pleasure.

It's odd.

I met and went on a date with a nice Indian fella. I'll blog about him later. But needless to say, in the past, I would've jumped on this opportunity to tickle my palate. Yet I'm not jumping. In fact, there are times where I dread it because I don't want to let him down. Fortunately, he seems to be an easy going fella and since he has never dated anyone, this shouldn't be too difficult. :)

I miss JL in a more mature way now. I'm sorta glad that he did this because I wouldn't have normally felt this emotion or this way about him. It gives me hope that if he never comes back, I can live with it. And if he does come back, I could (possibly) live with that too; all depends on where he is with things.

In the meantime, I sing my songs, I cry, I live, I thrive. I smile...life is good.

Me: Fairy Tales...

I just had the craziest thought. What if, in true Hollywood fashion, Luke came home this December for good. He gets home, sees his family, starts crying realizing what he's done and they wisk him onto the next flight to Houston. He rents a car, drives up to Lufkin and surprises the family. I return home from running the streets to find my ex-fiance.

We embrace. We cry. We reconcile.

Awww...ain't it cute.

It won't happen. But it was fun to pretend. Lol, right now, Luke is so far trapped in his own world, he can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) can see where this is going for him. Except, of course, him. Dating young guys is a bad idea. Especially young guys who aren't established when (for all intents and purposes) you are. That just leaves the door completely open for a divergence of opportunities and dreams. It's also a bad idea because young guys like to look elsewhere. Lol, hell, even older single guys like to look elsewhere. I think there's a golden period between 30 and 50 where most gay guys are at the peak; when they won't settle and they're very serious about when they do.

I've found the older guys are just as ingratiating as some of the younger ones because they are constantly trying to mold people into what they want them to be.

In any case, every single day I am learning that I have no control over anything but myself. I dictate my happiness and misery. No one else does.

I still miss Luke something fierce but I have to move on, though I might as well be trying to move a fucking mountain. Love is so splendidly fucked up.