Black: My patients, my patience

I just finished seeing a patient with whom I could completely commiserate.  

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this.  If I can be objective and detached yet empathetic enough to help others feel better.  

Do I truly know what I'm doing????

My patient told a tale that I know too well.  Of not having money to make ends meet.  Of figuring out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. Of having to be humble and swallow your pride despite having the burning hatred of fire in the pit of your stomach that cries out against God or Fate or whatever being that may be because you simply can't believe that everything bad is coming your way.

Sure, it's probably a huge cognitive distortion.  But at the time, psycho-mumbo-jumbo doesn't matter because you're so angry that things have gotten to this point.  Some of us (like my patient) turn to substances to address this issue.  Other's of us (like me) just turn it all inward and slowly feel pieces of you falling away that you may never recapture.

Damn, psychiatry is taxing. 

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Gay: New Meat Market...

So now Craigslist is in on the action and it's the cheaper (free!) incognito version of MH and A4A which yields itself to all kinds of yuck.

Sometimes things feel too good to be true and in this case, they most definitely are. Yeah, there are nice guys out there, but one's imagination runs rampant when you have words saying those things that get your mojo flowing and no picture to combat a man's imagination.

So when you actually meet these folks, they're not appealing to the eyes. I hate to stereotype but alas, it is so true. The benefits of the other MeatMarkets were that it took effort to sign up and or pay. That keeps things at least at a slightly higher caliber.

But not Craigslist.

And now someone (actually a couple folk) are dead because a med student in Boston chose to meet them and kill them. I don't know what this whole guy's story will be...but he's a seemingly normal white fella who's engaged to be married soon. He took it upon himself to extinguish the life of two or three people he's never met outside of on the internet.

Maybe it was guilt...or self righteousness...I dunno. We'll see.

But what it does tell me is that this website is dangerous and I should stick to my new attempts at self improvement and celibacy.

Here's to me! *drink*

Me: Institutional Coming Out...

So I'm throwing my hat into the ring as an out and proud gay man.

The new organization that is starting on campus, we've dubbed HOPE, Health Occupation Professionals for Equality. I didn't think it up...but it's awfully catchy and all encompassing.

I'm hoping to recruit more of our wonderful residents into being mentors for the up and coming medical students and advocates for patients who are GLBT. We'll see what response I get. Part of me thinks it's no big deal but I'm in a land where a black man wearing a white coat is still a sight to behold.

The bigger question: am I putting myself at risk? Probably. Actually definately. I just hope that the message and tone are manageable enough for people to stomach. Some of my fellow residents don't know I'm gay and I'm not sure that the message will explicitly say this. But I do know, regardless, that I'll be linked with this group the remainder of the time I'm here.

Again, am I ready for this?

I don't know.

But as I've learned in therapy, being gay may have been my saving grace. I've always thought of it as a shortcoming, something that I've needed to temper and mold and hide. But it kept my mind sharp, my senses honed, and my desire for world peace and understanding afloat...all of which makes me who I am today.

This'll be interesting...let's see what happens!

Black Gay: Craigslist...

This is a little website adventure that I've recently discovered which I will not let turn into the craziness of the other Meatsites.

But the premise is the same: horny guys finding other horny people. The reverse is true but alas, I do not frequent those pages.

All in all, it's been an interesting little experiment but I'll likely head to other pastures, mainly because I don't have time to do that kinda stuff again. And the emotional fallout from the last time is enough to make me wary.

But it just goes to show that when the hormones get a ragin', there's nothing that can stop 'em. :)

Me: Poor in Every Sense of the Word...

It sucks....

Why did they have to make a point of pointing out how different we are. People that I considered my closest friends...well, let's just say that they pulled out the stops when trying to wooo others to their cause...

Which I don't really understand. You would think that they would just throw the option out there. But alas, that is not the case. I don't know if they were drunk or what but they made a point of showing just how different we are.

And that begs the question: should I go to Europe with them? Or should I just say that things won't work out and be done with it.

Truth to tell I can't "afford" to go but it's a great opportunity so I may as well. It'd be fun to see what the English live and look like.

What's worse is that they've "fallen from grace." In my terms, that means that they've been held in really high esteem only to be replaced by normal, fallible human beings. Which kinda sucks.

In retrospect, I've been needed to concentrate on myself anyway so this just gives me the opporutnity to do so. Now I can really be introspective without the comments from the peanut gallery.

But once again it happens. I need to process this in therapy. :(

Me: The Story Thus Far...

I was just downstairs folding clothes and listening to P Diddy's "ode to Biggie" and I began to think: "how has my life been."

And overall, it's been a good ride. Yeah, I went through hell and back, but I've met people and done things that I never thought possible. I'm downloading hours of old video into my computer and one of them was our ski trip to Red River New Mexico. Despite the "friend group" breaking up, at that time, for those moments, life was perfect.

There are lots of those perfect moments that I've shared with others in the past....the residents at the lakehouse, various weddings, reunions, etc.

And I'm a friggin' doctor. People trust me and trust in me to help them feel better.

How fuckin' awesome is that!?!

So I shouldn't sweat the small stuff. Being black, gay, and professional is actually a good thing after all...

I love me.