Me: Stuck...

I wake up every day and decide how I should go about my life. Since being dumped, everyday I wake up thinking about him. I miss him alot and I still love him. But I also know the practicality of pining after someone who so obviously doesn't want me. He's living with someone else, after all.

I get into this weird mental battle between allowing myself to be used and standing up as the strong individual that I am. Worst of all, I realize that I'm the one hanging on. I'm the one making something of this...lol, actually, I am the one making anything of this. He doesn't think of us. He doesn't think of me. If he did, I would think he'd make his feelings known.

Right???

I don't know what I think or what I believe anymore. If you'd asked me 3 years ago if I would ever stick around after being dumped, I would've looked at you like you were crazy and said, (in a very Charlotte way) "fuck that shit." I would've been "out before quick got ready." And hoping he would princessly walk back into my life would've been squashed with the quickness.

So why is this so different?

Because I'm in love with this man. I would forgive him for damn near anything. I would walk through hell for him...lol, s'funny that that's exactly what I'm doing.

I picture him sleeping with Fraser. I picture him waking up to the Scotsman and eating breakfast with him. Talking about what the day entails. Planning dinner for the evening. Coming home and getting a welcoming kiss. Going out that night shopping for their dinner, laughing at inside jokes. Walking home with their treasures and cooking up a storm. Finishing up with a fine wine and lying on one another. Getting ready for bed and having hot passionate sex. Falling asleep spooning the other.

And I get jealous. And it makes me cry. And very angry. And I feel used beyond belief.

But something always pulls me back to loving this man.

This is so strange...I sometimes pray I had never met him. Or that I had broken up with him first. Or that Fraser would break his heart the same way he did mine.

But then I realize that all of that is petty and pointless for I have no control over that.

And I begin to love him again.

Why do I love him?

It doesn't make any sense at all...but then again, love really never has made sense, now has it? :)

Black Gay: Lexapro's awesome!

I've been thinking alot about this and I'm impressed at Lexapro's ability to obliterate your libido. Most people see this as a bad thing; as I would if I was in a relationship.

But since being brokenhearted and turning back to my old ways of one night stands and stupid empty sex with people who aren't looking out for my best interests, I've learned that killing your libido is actually, quite possibly, a lifesaver.

Let me explain: men are governed by their sex drive and horniness. I think that's what got the best of my ex; a piece of ass. Sad, but true.

Anywhoo, getting rid of the fog of lust can really help you determine what you need to do as a person rather than a horn-dog. Lust can make you think and do very strange things...you began to build a life with that person that's born out of some unusual desire to constantly have sex. You see them as a means to an end; a way to satiate your carnal desires whenever you want to.

But sex is far too special a journey for that and we (especially gay men) throw it around so willy nilly sometimes.

Well, I'm beginning to see some of the drawbacks of indiscriminate intimacy and maybe, just maybe, gay men aren't as good at separating intimacy from sex, the thought from the act.

So I shall continue my Lexapro; mainly because of my dysthymia and secondary seasonal affective disorder, but also because of it's side effect that's saving my life. God is good...

A lil Catholic magic...

There is something about the tonality of a Catholic chorus that just gets me everytime. This particular ditty was written by a Catholic priest. Haunting and mysterious and (of course) gorgeous.

Gregorio Allegri: Miserere Mei (Psalm 51) Motet for Chorus performed by Adrian Lucas.

I can't wait to afford more music like this. :) And then share it with everyone I know.

"The best thing a man can do for his culture when his is rich..."

I can't figure out what to do...

I'm so lost.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do.

What can I do?

What do I do?

I'm confused.