Professional: Ancillary Staff...

Though I've turned over a new leaf in regards to my self esteem, self image, and self worth, I have not been able to shake my irritation with what I perceive as incompetence.

Be it nurses or techs, attendings or administrators, I can't stand to think that someone is wasting my time, especially if those people are supposed to be "helping" me.

I don't know if it's because I'm a resident, (a.k.a. indentured slave) or what, but having people treat me like shit has become unacceptable and reprehensible. And now I find myself getting krunk with folks and pulling rank: something that I've NEVER done before.

But being an asshole makes me feel good. It's crazy! Yes, it makes me ashamed to admit it, but there's something thrilling about letting out your frustration and anger on someone who deserves it (though probably not in such fervor.)

I'm hoping that admitting it (even out here in cyberspace) will help me acknowledge my anger and hopefully help me "let it go" and get back to the even-keeled person that I used to be before medicine changed my life forever...

Gay: The Rehab...

So far, so good.

I'm trying to minimize the amount of time, energy, and effort I place in finding a boyfriend. I am actively pushing those thoughts out of my mind and instead, trying to enjoy life for what it has to offer me...not me and some imaginary guy.

I've been really really hard on myself and in the end, it only hurts me more than improve me so that someone will love me. Wow...actually writing this stuff out does really help!

I'm proud of myself. Granted it's only been 5 days but that's 5 days of peace of mind that I didn't have last week.

Go me go!!! :) I love myself, I really do...

Black Professional: The Black Tax

When blacks must work twice as hard for the same amenities and niceties bestowed upon others for 1/2 the work.

I've seen it time and time again and being in Kentucky, it happens more often than naught. I would like to think that I haven't seen the looks and stares but it's ever present. Sometimes it's that look out of the corner of someone's eye. Other times it's a look of surprise and wariness. In any case, it's the sign that I should "step up my game" and make sure to dot my "i's" and cross my "t's."

Which is very tiring. :(

The Black Tax also manifests itself as an unspoken responsibility to reach out and teach others who are less fortunate than myself. This was not a huge burden in undergrad and medical school But in residency, it's damn near impossible! I've almost buckled this year because of my undying desire to "help" people. Crazy, no?

I'm just looking for a time when I can have more opportunities around "my people," those being of a triple minority. Lol, hell, it'd be great to be around the double minority that leads my title of today's blog...but until that time comes, I'll just sit and whittle...

Professional: Doctor Nurses...

Bad idea.

In our zeal to increase the number of healthcare providers in the field, the system is creating (or for doctors, we're allowing them to create) a shortcut that may alleviate the crunch in the short term but will ultimately be a problem for everyone.

As it stands nurses can become practitioners and essentially train independently. We've seen the results of this in our community and half the time, it ain't pretty. I can only imagine what someone with less than half the training of physicians will do when they are free to "act as primary care physicians."

What a statement! I can't even believe that they allowed something that outta control to be published.

I could go on and on and on about what a bad idea that is but the proof will be in the pudding. When they start dealing with drug seekers and lawsuits. When they get the sick patients who come in to their clinics on death's door and they don't know what to do.

So bring 'em on; I don't foresee them making much of an impact in my future practice and that's one of the reasons I just let this whole idea slide...

Professional: Shaving off the excess...

So I'm too involved. It's just that simple.

Luckily, choir is done for the season. Camp is now not as regular a commitment (though it'll likely rear it's head again.)

The afterschool exercise/healthy choices program I participate in is also done for the year so that's another thing off my plate. My therapy patient cancelled so that's a negatory for now. I've finished my yard for the most part so that's all good.

Now I just need to start working on my research projects and we should be good to go, theoretically.

In any case, being a Pediatrician and Child Psychiatrist are awesome goals and I can't wait to finish up my training.

Gay: I can't let you win...

Talking to BuggerBecca today helped so much. Talking with Burnsy was awesome as well.

So, as of 11pm, 5/26, I'm changing my life because I want to.

No more pining over the fact that I'm alone. No more wanting to find a boyfriend to the point that I have begun to hate myself and think that I'm less of a good guy.

I have too much good about me to let doubts like that ruin my life.

Since January, things have just been getting worse; I think that the weather had a lot to do with it but the downslide continued even after the temperatures started climbing.

But as India.Arie sings, "because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you been, but today, I have the opportunity to choose."

So I choose to be happy and I choose to not let the fickleness of others to determine my self worth....

YAY FOR ME!!!!

Gay: Legally Blonde...

So I recorded "Legally Blonde: The Musical" when it aired on MTV a loooong time ago and I've watched it multiple times and it's so creative and refreshing! It doesn't strike me as big as Rent did, but it's still kick ass. I'm amazed at how great a shows can become with a strong lead. That Laura Bundy lady is simply divine!

Gay: Take it Slow...

So Voltaire actually responded to an email I sent him the other day. He wished me the best at the concert and stated the he would try and make it. He didn't from what I could tell (though I had the best showing of my friends to date!) but it's all good because he gave the impression that he wanted to see me again.

I'm having a bit of a "EEEEEEE!" moment because it means there may be something still there; but I'm not sure what to do because every other "relationship" that I've had that started similar to this ended up a big ass waste of time. There's part of me that wonders if I'm overthinking things and plaing a mind game on him and me at the same time.

And then it becomes a matter of wondering again just how interested he is in me. He still frequents the websites where I met him, sooooooo....hmmm....

Black: Barbecue...

So it's the day before Memorial Day and I've been working on my barbecueing skills so I was really pleased how the cookout went today. I had an array of barbecue/smoked meats: pork, franks, beef patties, and chicken. Of them all, the pork turned out the best and reminds me most of home. As soon as it crossed my lips, years of joy and pain came rushing back. Momma's cooking followed by the disdaine of eating bbq over a summer because the lights were cut off. hahaha...with every good, there's a bad...I'll never forget that.

It also reminded me of just how much black folks love them some barbecue. Sure, our white counterparts likely feel the same, but there's something about us and the wonderful aroma and taste of hickory...mmm...

And I love the way that I smell after working the pit. I took a shower before I got started and it's intoxicating how the smells of soap, deodorant, and smoke mingle to produce an aroma that just makes my spirit soar.

What's best is I got to share this with some of my best friends up here in L-town...hahaha, it's just like Momma used to do with us; win our hearts by winning over our stomachs. Growing up poor had it's benefits. :)

Gay: White Men...

I am strangely drawn to them.

Since I can remember "being gay," I've found an affinity for those with fair skin and eyes whose pupils I could easily find. I'm not sure if it was simply the fact that we were bussed across town to go to a "white school" or if it was just my love of Richard Dean Anderson, white men have always held a special place in my heart.

While I can probably wax and wane on my history and fascination with them (lol, they do form the foundation of my first post within this blog) I will say that coming to Kentucky has definitely tempered my enthusiasm.

No, not my enthusiasm for admiring and relishing country fed white guys up this way, with rednecks, and blazing blue eyes. But definitely my enthusiasm at the prospects of actually dating them.

For instance, I recently ran across quite a delightful man whom I will call Voltaire. We befriended one another on the MeatHunt site and quickly fell to texting and calling one another. This was about 2 weeks ago, so I had already learned that rushing into things only leads to heartbreak.

In any case, he came over and we spent a delightful time watching "The Chorus" for you see, we are both into music; he moreso than I as he was a music major who actually creates scores of music for theatre. How fucking cool is that????

As soon as I opened the door, I could tell things weren't gonna work.

And after I hugged him goodbye, it was (essentially) the last time I've heard from him.

Resentment? Yes, yes Beyonce; your song is very apropos for this occasion. What's worse is that I see him on the MeatHunt and other SansEve4SansEve site and roll my eyes that he doesn't reply to emails...or worse, he exits when I get on.

I try not to take it personally but it's tough since my affinity for them is so strong.

And though this state is bustling at the seams with gorgeous white men, I can't seem to find any with whom we share the same level of interest.

Guess I'll just keep looking...

Me: Overload

I've overloaded myself and now the time has come to pay the piper.
1. Video Skit for Pediatrics
2. JJ Final Gift
3. Volleyball
4. Tennis
5. Working Out
6. Gymnastics
7. Application for Ohio
8. Application for Kentucky
9. Kickball
10. John's Wedding
11. Bereavement and diabetes camps
12. Various banquets, dinners, lunches

I want to take a year off...of course, being the poor single man that I am, I can't afford to do that so instead I must stay, wallow in the yuck that I have (and seemingly continue to create) made and deal with it.Vas asked if me having or getting a man would make my opinion on life change and the conclusion I have reached is a resounding "YES!" I'm a hopeless romantic who feels completely doomed for the time being. I reach out only to get rejected by so many in the online community, EVEN THOUGH I realize just how fickle they are.

Nothing replaces first sight!Anyway, there's not enough time in the day and I have to work at squeezing stuff in, including the obligatory sulking that I've gotten myself into the habit of doing. Pretty soon, I'll be the new Debbie Downer and once you get that label, you can't go back.

Me: I Feel Bad...

Like a big ol sack of shit...As I sit hit crying at my laptop like the loser that I am, I realize that my life sucks and I suck for complaining about something that could be much worse. I could be alone without people who cared about me, with no purpose or drive or meaning in life.

But I don't know what's worse to tell you the truth: having the drive and ambition to go above and beyond but getting smacked over the head time and time again or not to have any ambition at all.

I wonder how I came to be in this predicament and part of me realizes that I was just too scared to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone, I have learned, is finding the most icky way of doing things and do it. I could've gone to a place where I could be out and about but I didn't because I have some type of superhero complex that makes me find the hardest place to exist and try to change it.

When will I learn that the world does not exist for me to try to make it a better place and instead, I should just make my own little caternest and deal with thing inside it and not worry about how others are coming along.

Of course this is a recurrent theme in all my posts and all my blogs and all my thoughts and all my dreams because I can't seem to let go of the fact that I can't be all things to all people.Just last night, I had my good friends here basically tell me that my gloom doom attitude towards life and cut and dried approach to everything is a personality flaw. And you know what? They're exactly right! Too bad it doesn't make me feel any more in control of things or give me optimism about the future; ha ha ha...instead it does go to show me that I'm not as great as I thought I was...which can be a good thing, right?

So, I sit here and type, knowing that I'm incredibly behind on EVERY project that I've put on my plate. Knowing that I"m just as poor and a shitty controller of my finances as ever. Thinking that I couldn't be any less attractive to a man (thanks Christopher T.) Convinced that I'm just as flighty as the next airhead (seriously, who learns to tumble at age 27? Or builds a deck and pergola out of the blue when you can't afford it?)

And I finally broke down and yelled at a nurse yesterday which is soooo not me but I felt completely justified in doing so and til this moment, continue to think "she deserved it." What have I become?

Not a proud and out gay man cuz I even balked at the idea that yeah, I could sing with AN at the Lexington Pride Festival...instead I fell back into my old groove of fearfulness and shame. And that's NOT where I wanna be :(And I'm glad that MH subscription is expiring because it's proven to me that online "love" is just as bad as online "hookups" and I should spend more time and energy in the real world, getting to know people as people and not via online pictures which leads to its own issues. I don't know where "Mr. Right" is but I know now that he's not on an online site such as the ones I frequented. But with that said, checking in every now and again to see what's cooking is not a bad idea, especially when the longing builds up so deep in my heart that I can hardly stand it.

And I must get back to online journaling because I do feel so much better getting my thoughts out on "paper" instead of just keeping them bottle up only to put me at risk of a major mental meltdown one of these days.

And I continue to feel that I'm missing something by staying around Ky. Granted, I've made lifelong friends but I keep getting this nagging feeling of "what am I missing?" What have I done to myself by placing myself in a situation where I am more prone to be unhappy? It's troubling because then I also start thinking that I can't free myself from the sitation which is unfortunate and quite unnerving to me because I've always found solace in the fact that I can say, "fuck you guys, I'm moving on." The tears are dried (a little more)...I feel better...

Gay: Dating...Redux...

I don't know why but it feels like all I do now is talk and think about how much my life sucks without a significant other in it. I moan and groan about how inferior I feel or how I'm not cute enough to pull a guy when I know in my heart of hearts that I'm a great catch!

But is that true if you've been unable to catch or keep a man?

So I struggle with this and my self esteem takes a plummet. All the while, I make a great friend, to the point that others seek me out to ensure their own happiness. Not that I'm complaining; no, I love my friends and I have really really good ones. But I'm having a crisis of faiths no nobodys' business....The latest guy is a frickin' God. He's tallish, well built, educated, creative, musical, great teeth, amazing eyes, fantastic laugh, and overall good guy. I had the wonderful opportunity of spending hours in his presence. Granted, I met him on the MeatMarket website under more sexual pretenses but he seems to be okay with that. In fact, he still wants to be around me...but I dont' know if he's attracted to me or not. Honestly, I'm not getting the impression that he is...But yet I pursue him and faun over him and worry about him and what he thinks of me. Ain't that crazy? I've never been of that ilk except for when I'm ga-ga over some stupid guy who doesn't reciprocate like I think he should. Lol, the number of fellas I have fauning over me is slim but present, yet I don't like any of them. It's a tough call indeed.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I should move on or wait and most of me is saying "keep one finger in this pot" and also see what else is cooking on the stove. We'll see what happens...