Me: I Feel Bad...

Like a big ol sack of shit...As I sit hit crying at my laptop like the loser that I am, I realize that my life sucks and I suck for complaining about something that could be much worse. I could be alone without people who cared about me, with no purpose or drive or meaning in life.

But I don't know what's worse to tell you the truth: having the drive and ambition to go above and beyond but getting smacked over the head time and time again or not to have any ambition at all.

I wonder how I came to be in this predicament and part of me realizes that I was just too scared to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone, I have learned, is finding the most icky way of doing things and do it. I could've gone to a place where I could be out and about but I didn't because I have some type of superhero complex that makes me find the hardest place to exist and try to change it.

When will I learn that the world does not exist for me to try to make it a better place and instead, I should just make my own little caternest and deal with thing inside it and not worry about how others are coming along.

Of course this is a recurrent theme in all my posts and all my blogs and all my thoughts and all my dreams because I can't seem to let go of the fact that I can't be all things to all people.Just last night, I had my good friends here basically tell me that my gloom doom attitude towards life and cut and dried approach to everything is a personality flaw. And you know what? They're exactly right! Too bad it doesn't make me feel any more in control of things or give me optimism about the future; ha ha ha...instead it does go to show me that I'm not as great as I thought I was...which can be a good thing, right?

So, I sit here and type, knowing that I'm incredibly behind on EVERY project that I've put on my plate. Knowing that I"m just as poor and a shitty controller of my finances as ever. Thinking that I couldn't be any less attractive to a man (thanks Christopher T.) Convinced that I'm just as flighty as the next airhead (seriously, who learns to tumble at age 27? Or builds a deck and pergola out of the blue when you can't afford it?)

And I finally broke down and yelled at a nurse yesterday which is soooo not me but I felt completely justified in doing so and til this moment, continue to think "she deserved it." What have I become?

Not a proud and out gay man cuz I even balked at the idea that yeah, I could sing with AN at the Lexington Pride Festival...instead I fell back into my old groove of fearfulness and shame. And that's NOT where I wanna be :(And I'm glad that MH subscription is expiring because it's proven to me that online "love" is just as bad as online "hookups" and I should spend more time and energy in the real world, getting to know people as people and not via online pictures which leads to its own issues. I don't know where "Mr. Right" is but I know now that he's not on an online site such as the ones I frequented. But with that said, checking in every now and again to see what's cooking is not a bad idea, especially when the longing builds up so deep in my heart that I can hardly stand it.

And I must get back to online journaling because I do feel so much better getting my thoughts out on "paper" instead of just keeping them bottle up only to put me at risk of a major mental meltdown one of these days.

And I continue to feel that I'm missing something by staying around Ky. Granted, I've made lifelong friends but I keep getting this nagging feeling of "what am I missing?" What have I done to myself by placing myself in a situation where I am more prone to be unhappy? It's troubling because then I also start thinking that I can't free myself from the sitation which is unfortunate and quite unnerving to me because I've always found solace in the fact that I can say, "fuck you guys, I'm moving on." The tears are dried (a little more)...I feel better...