Professional: Party Foul...

I still can't believe it happened...I arrived at the court tonight pumped and ready to go for a game of volleyball. Our team slowly assembled and right as we were getting ready to warm up on the court, ER starts lecturing me about not listening to the attending and not following directions.

ER happens to be my attending in the NICU. Over this past week, we got a 24 weeker who is clinging to life and needs to be monitored ever so closely. I was on call with the fellow and ER was covering the night shift, so we came up with a game plan during night rounds in case lab abnormalities came back later that morning.

I distinctly remember in my stupor of getting up and going back to sleep multiple times that I read the lab values to the fellow and neither of us thought they were bad enough to do anything about them. Granted, we could've tweaked things as the attending wanted, but at 3 or 4 am in the morning, you tend to forget things, especially when the kids stable and the labs themselves don't look totally out of whack.

So anyway, ER goes on to state that we're both in big trouble because we didn't listen to him and that the fellow, especially, is going to get it good when he gets back to work tomorrow. I was completely taken aback and couldn't really even form words because I honestly couldn't even think back to that night.It's hard enough for me to draw up things about work at work, but when I've been gone from work for a day or so and not thinking about work, trying to come up with a plausible explanation about something that happened at work is even harder. Lol, I don't even think this paragraph made sense.

But anyway, I said my, "whoa, I'm sorry's" and made a quick exit to the court to warm up.And even though I don't really care what my evaluation would say, it still bothers me that I made an error...so of course it was on my mind the entire game. Granted, I still played very well, though it felt as if he didn't set me many times on purpose, but the whole game almost felt like an out of body experience because my sanctum had been penetrated.

Of course, I had to say something. After the game, I waited until everyone left and I know he knew something was up because he sat there after everyone left as well. Now that I think about it, he probably was thinking I was coming over to apologize and receive more words of criticism...or to come and barter for the verbal tongue lashing I am to receive this week but I didn't.

I told him that at work, I will call him Dr. ER and take his criticism and face the repercussions of my actions, but that we need to make a deal that we don't talk about work while we play because I keep the two strictly separate. It seemed it take him by surprise but I kept talking, insisting that dealing with work will only serve to throw off my game and make things weird between us.

He listened and then said something akin to he understands and that things wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't on service (I disagreed but didn't say anything.) I then said that I'd see him at work and will await his reprimand there.

Less always said, "don't shit where you eat, don't eat where you shit." Wow; I've been a strict adherent to this but it looks like I fucked up this one instant. I'm going to try not and hold that against myself though it's sure to ruminate for days and weeks to come.

It's weird but I almost feel a bit date raped; not to compare the two, but it feels like I've been betrayed and screwed over...Sucks...

Gay: Decevious...

Figgy made up this word; it's an amalgamation of deceitful and mischevious. I think it should be a real word.There are only a few people on this earth that I have knowingly wronged and who justifiable hate me; which, of course, makes me long for their friendship even more in hopes of making amends.

Figgy is one of them. Abe is the other.

I didn't mention this earlier, as I thought Abe still read my blog; but me thinks that is old news since his response to my email to him earlier this week was quite devoid of care or knowledge of me.

So in the spirit of therapeutic blogging, I have a confession. I hurt Abe on purpose. It was the only way I could get him to stop. Slowing down wasn't in the cards for us; we were headed towards a life together whether we liked it or not.

So when Theophilus in Chicago and I started up a conversation (one that was never likely to go anywhere other than be social acquaintences) I told Abe that what we had was much more and that "I'd like to pursue it" all the while knowing that it wouldn't go anywhere.

God it hurts my soul that I hurt that man. He's such a great fuckin' guy! And whomever he ends up with will be lucky to have him. Just like Figgy's better off with friends who don't fool around with her ex's.

Two people down...I wonder how many more I will hurt in my lifetime. That sucks...

Me: Change of Plans...

From a free ticket to being 500 dollars lighter, I changed my plans from Chicago to Temple.

From Theophilus to Piotr, the change of plans to go to Lobee's memorial was a fantastic idea. Granted, I didn't get to present my project in a national arena nor spend time in a diverse city, but it wasn't in the cards for me...One great thing is that I got to see my old friends and I must admit, it was weird being back on my old stomping grounds. I'm glad that I chose to leave but having Mexican food reminded me of how much I miss Texas.

Anyway, I have a headache at the moment, so methinks I'm headed to bed, but I wanted to pop in and say that things are a-changing...I went to dinner with NewChris today and it reminded me that making new friends is always a little more work than you anticipate.

And Windstream has been added to my list of shitty companies with shitty customer service.

Okay, that's it for now...my head is throbbing.

I hate the ER.

Black Gay: Schoolgirl...

So before I headed off with the Tim-E's, I stopped at Walgreens to buy some gum cuz you can never have enough breath freshners in your car. Lol, it's amazing how many opportune times pop up and you need fresh breath.

Anywayz, I walked straight in and towards my destination, picked up what I wanted and marched to the checkout counter wherein I had to do my best not to faint.There, standing before me was the cutest black guy I've EVER seen in real life.Tall, a shade lighter than myself, brown/hazel eyes, great smile, waves in his hair, nice fit body (he had on the Walgreens smock/vest thing that hugged his physique)...I spoke to him, he replied in kind, and he scanned my gum. Because I wanted to prolong the encounter as well as have cash for the vineyards, I requested cashback and tried to be as nonchalant as possible while I waited for the transaction to go through.

I selected 29 bucks back, mainly so that I would have broken bills but also because that meant even more time with him as he counted out the moolah.

I held out my hand and he placed the cash in it and I swear there was a brief connection...or maybe it's wishful thinking.I didn't happen to notice a ring on his finger but I couldn't be too sure; my "scoping" skills aren't what they should be as a single gay man. :)

He handed me the receipt and I got ready to leave but I couldn't help but smile at him because he (like Wentworth Miller) was just so cute that it hurts. He smiled back with a huge grin...I couldn't tell if it was just a return of my smile at him or more satisfaction at completed the transaction without fucking up. One step from there could be: was he as nervous as I? Or did he just hope not to mess up cuz his job was on the line? :) Who knows.

I'm just happy that I was cute; since I was going out with the Tim-E's to a vineyard, I had on my cowboy boots, wool peacoat, starched and embroidered white linen shirt, and nice bluejeans. Normally when I patronize Walgreens, I'm dressed down and super comfortable.

Anyway, I clunked out to my car and realized that I hadn't been breathing almost that entire time. I hopped in the car and smiling the whole way, drove over to Bec's.

Later I thought about revisiting and seeing if he was there. Or calling and requesting him. But alas, I left my phone at home and we were so busy having a great time that we never got around to it.

But I did remember that at Walgreens they put the associate's name on the receipt, which I pulled out when we were at Meijer's shopping for dinner. His name is "Antony." Granted, I don't know if that's pronounced how it's spelled or if he goes by Tony or if it was just inputted into the computer wrong and is meant to be "Anthony." Trust me, even my name is spelled wrong on my call-money account....Kentucky. :(

He looked as if he could've been my age, which makes me wonder why he's working at Walgreens. He also looked like he could've been in high friggin' school, which means it wouldn't work. Most of me hopes that he's taking the route that I did: in college, working at Walgreens to make ends meet while he aspires to become something/one great in a field of higher education.

Yeah, pipe dreams but it does give me hope for the future....maybe I'll stop by there after volleyball tonight... :)

Professional: Transitions...

So I go tomorrow to talk with my residency coordinator about switching residencies, from Triple Board to Gen Psych/Child Psych.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big leap, as I would be doing all the same rotations in time...it's just that I'd be leaving Peds earlier than anticipated.

I wonder if it's the right decision. To make a change like this. I'm sure people will talk. I'm sure that some of the peds folks will hate me. But I truly don't care what they think. I do care about my sanity. I care about getting up every morning looking forward to going to work and loving what I do.

I don't hate pediatrics. I never will. But I do hate to waste time and spend my energies on things that I'm not passionate about. Especially when I know there are people around me who are much better at it than I am. I don't like the fact that I feel like I'm wasting my talents in Child Psych because I'm stuck in the world of pediatrics.

Part of me worries if this is a "grass is greener" type thing. That I don't want to be on call in the NICU and wards and that I'm copping out just to avoid the irritating idiosyncracies of that part of the program. And I'm sure that psych has it's nuances that are sure to annoy me.

But I pride myself on my flexibility and creativity...neither of which I'm able to utilize in pediatrics. And it's slowly dawning on me that I'll never be able to do so because pediatrics is such a rigid field; far more rigid than I appreciated before I got into it.

Psych is a much more flexible option and at this point in my life, I'm a big fan of flexibility and peaceful state of mind.

In the end, I'll end up at the same place: child psychiatry. It's just that one way I'll be much more worn and haggard and the other way, I'll have the chance to make contributions the entire way through.

I don't know what Dr. Kitty will say. Hopefully she'll be the wonderful person I'm making her in my mind and she'll guide me in making the right decision. According to "Blink" I should've gone the Child Psych route from the beginning. It's only because I forced the idea that I'm in my current circumstance. Tangled web folks...