Me: I can't believe it...

Everyone assures me that I'm a great guy. Talented, good looking, funny, compassionate, intelligent, athletic, sexy, dependable, optimistic, outgoing. It comes from all around, friends, family, associates, acquaintences. It's not gratuitous; I'm not one to solicit comments or feedback unless I think something's wrong.

So why, why can't I believe it?

I feel like a loser. As if I've never done a good thing for myself or anyone in my whole life. I feel aimless and unmotivated, two characteristics that I can't stand in most people; now I have it in spades.

What is it about Luke and my relationship that peeled back this layer? When I think about it, Luke didn't CAUSE any of this; it was already there. The breakup just unearthed it and now I have to look into it and survive the experience.

I feel needy. And deceitful towards my own self. I feel like I can't trust myself anymore; I let me latch on to someone and the result was beautifully catastrophic. I don't want this to ever happen again, but I also know that this is tragically fun.

Lively death. Deathly life. Oxymorons but that's what we live in.

Simply complex. Complexly simple.

Odd, but I don't know that the same applies to love and hate; they are, in fact, two mutually exclusive entities. There's no such thing as a hateful love or a loving hate.

I don't hate Luke. I love Luke.

Hmph..

Me: Much chagrin, but it's progress...

I hate being alone. I hate that this relationship didn't work out. But it was for the best.

Because I needed to face these demons. I needed to come to grips with my insecurities: feeling like an imposter, like the faggoty, black-hating, dumb-but-lucky, superficially confident, fiscally irresponsible, cross eyed punk that I am.

Now is my chance to learn to love it.

I laugh and ache when I think about how Luke had once said that I am strong. I'm not strong. I wasn't strong for the Reign of Calvin. I still am not as comfortable being out as I want to be. I still feel like I'm hated. And he insinuated that I could survive anything...I hang on by a string some days, literally dreading the idea of getting out of bed and trying to help others solve their problems. Apparentlyl I do a decent job; everyone keeps coming back.

But it only serves to make the feeling worse.

I think the only place where people are being strict is dance class. As much as I don't need to have something else on my plate, at least there, people are straightforward with me and tell me that I suck. Sure, it just feeds into my negative schema of myself, but when that's all you got, that's all ya got. :)

Right now, I want to enjoy this misery. Rejoice in the level of energy and commitment it takes to feel this bad. Swallow and soak in the sorrow and tears. Who knows when this time may ever come again...

Gay: Tic it on out...

So lately I've been in a mind-fuck because I keep thinking that I shouldn't be thinking about Luke. Emphasis on "shouldn't" because that's one of those words in psychiatry that we feel creates judgement and makes people feel obligated which causes distress.

Mareen has helped me realize that instead of saying "shouldn't" why not use "it would be nice to." In this case, "it would be nice if I didn't think about him all the time." She then helped walk me through the fact that, no, I don't in fact think about him all the time....or even all that much. But because I'm so concerned about how much I may or may not be thinking of him, I wear myself out.

Her suggestion: get my brain on my side. Stop fighting and go with the flow. Think about him. Devote some time and really concentrate on everything about him. Then get up and do something else. Her hypothesis is that as time goes along, I'll think about him less and less.

I know it to be true.

He thinks of me less and less...because he has someone and I don't. Thus Fraser can be a great distractor in that regard. I have time to sit and think because I have time to sit and think. This weather is actually complicating the whole picture and making it worse for me. Again, I don't have a warm body in bed with me at night. I don't have someone to cook with, to ask how their day was. I don't have someone to shower with, to eat breakfast with.

He left me. He left me.

The move will not only be cathartic but cleansing. The Purge will be amazing in itself; I'm wondering if I can pull it off. The Move will seal the deal. In Texas, there is no Luke. And if I choose, I can wipe him from my memory for the rest of my life...it's far easier when there is nothing to jog the memory...think of it as the high school years, or some of the college years.

Til then, I find a quiet place to tic about Luke. Until the anxiety is lessened. Then I get up, dust off, and go about my day until I need to let the attack resurface. But as Pema and Spezzano attest, running from this won't help. I must lean into it and explore what I can while I have it.

Me: Wants and needs...

What am I looking forward to the most in my move to Texas?

1. New beginning: I can't wait to "start over." I can reinvent myself...likely for the last time since I may end up working at this job for a really long time. No more drama, less baggage, more me time.

2. New place: though I loathe to admit it, I'm thinking of renting an apartment for 6 months. It'll be kinda cool to be all of 5 minutes from work. That way I can run home if I ever forgot anything or can't stand to use the bathroom at work :)

3. Less stuff: I've amassed alot of material goods while I've been here. And as Luke and I learned during my time in Edinburgh, "you don't need alot of stuff to be happy...so don't go buying all that superfluous bullshit that don't mean anything." I'm actually kinda excited to have an empty apartment with just a bed, desk, bookcase, and some kitchen stuff. Minimalistic.

4. Music: I think I'll hold off for a little while with joining a singing group. Instead I plan on taking up the guitar and truly throwing myself into learning at least one instrument. I wonder if I'll be able to play and sing at the same time...dancing and singing is daunting, so who knows. :)

5. Recaptured spirituality: between the Pema Chodron and Spezzano, I'm really digging Eastern thought and the importance of centering oneself and living in the moment. Being near Austin will facilitate this, I hope.

6. Mexican food. Nuff, said.

Me: Parenting...

No kids.

Yet.

I can and still would have kids with Luke.

But not on my own.

Why?

Single parents are doubly amazing. But I don't want to raise my kids alone. It's simply to daunting of a task.

For instance, today I saw my 14 y/o ODD/ADHD kid who's Mom is a bit stringent sometimes. Today, she broke down and told me about the 15 y/o sister's possible diagnosis of cancer. My 14 y/o was shocked as this was his first time hearing it. Mom's stress was also being misdirected towards him, making him more on edge and causing them to argue.

Or think about the fact that when kids get sick, there are snow days, or they simply refuse to go to school. Or the fact that they must be fed, preferably on time. Or that they must be clothed, but they continue to outgrow what you buy. Or that they become independent people with time and they may develop personalities that you don't even like. Or that they may get cancer and suffer. Or that they may take risks that end up very positive (athletics) or very negative (injuries.)

Am I up to the challenge? Not now. Not alone.

I'm becoming okay with being the rich uncle to my hordes of nephews and nieces. That way I can influence from afar and still sleep, eat, play, dream, plan, cry, sing, shout, and love when I want to.

Where did this come from? It's a change of paradigms...Luke helped cause it. I keep learning more and more about myself from this whole experience...

Me: Once again, the magic of music...

I have two more amazing clips to note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjZ0SRD5EOs&NR=1&feature=fvwp

And the second is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUVtqm_SgA4&feature=related

It's a song I first hauntingly heard at Junior High East from the concert choir. I didn't know the melody would stick in my craw for years to come. The first link is the master class of classically kinda singing. The second is a slightly more modern version, but still beautiful in it's own right. What the men of Chanticleer do is just amazing. Truly amazing.

It helps remind me that the world is more than my misery.

Me: The Rich Gay Uncle...

After Luke, I'm taking a reprieve from serious relationships and serious life plans. My latest change is the want and need to have children.

When I was in a stable relationship, daunting tasks like having and raising kids did not seem daunting. I saw the instability of families I ran across at work as a challenge. Now that I'm single, having kids has become the worst idea ever. Lol. Don't get me wrong; I love children and I feel that my calling is helping others care for the next generation.

But not by myself.

So instead, I think my life plan has changed a bit. I'm going to get out of educational debt within 3 years, credit card debt in 2 years, and become the jet-setting single rich uncle to my nephews and nieces. And I mean ALL of my nephews and nieces, including those children of my closest friends whom I feel are family.

Like Miles, Aubrey, Adam, etc.

The advent of the MeatMarkets makes things easier from the sexual release perspective...and since right now I have no vested interest in being in a relationship, I might as well have as much fun as I can, right?

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Me: Another great song...

Simple and pure. This piece is another treasure that popped up on Pandora. It reminds me of walking through the woods, taking in the smells, the sights, the sunlight streaming down through the canopy.

Ah...

Gymnopedie for Piano No. 1: Gynmnopedi No. 1 by Erik Satie.