Gay: Tic it on out...

So lately I've been in a mind-fuck because I keep thinking that I shouldn't be thinking about Luke. Emphasis on "shouldn't" because that's one of those words in psychiatry that we feel creates judgement and makes people feel obligated which causes distress.

Mareen has helped me realize that instead of saying "shouldn't" why not use "it would be nice to." In this case, "it would be nice if I didn't think about him all the time." She then helped walk me through the fact that, no, I don't in fact think about him all the time....or even all that much. But because I'm so concerned about how much I may or may not be thinking of him, I wear myself out.

Her suggestion: get my brain on my side. Stop fighting and go with the flow. Think about him. Devote some time and really concentrate on everything about him. Then get up and do something else. Her hypothesis is that as time goes along, I'll think about him less and less.

I know it to be true.

He thinks of me less and less...because he has someone and I don't. Thus Fraser can be a great distractor in that regard. I have time to sit and think because I have time to sit and think. This weather is actually complicating the whole picture and making it worse for me. Again, I don't have a warm body in bed with me at night. I don't have someone to cook with, to ask how their day was. I don't have someone to shower with, to eat breakfast with.

He left me. He left me.

The move will not only be cathartic but cleansing. The Purge will be amazing in itself; I'm wondering if I can pull it off. The Move will seal the deal. In Texas, there is no Luke. And if I choose, I can wipe him from my memory for the rest of my life...it's far easier when there is nothing to jog the memory...think of it as the high school years, or some of the college years.

Til then, I find a quiet place to tic about Luke. Until the anxiety is lessened. Then I get up, dust off, and go about my day until I need to let the attack resurface. But as Pema and Spezzano attest, running from this won't help. I must lean into it and explore what I can while I have it.