Gay: Alone Again...

So I broke up with Jessie'sGirl. He was a nice guy but I'm just not ready to date. I was actively trying to put myself back together, get in better shape, start looking for other things to hold and keep my attention when he ran across my path. I actually feel bad that I allowed us to get as far as we did, even though in the grand scheme of things, it was only two weeks.

He seemed to take things okay, though you never really know how much damage you do to a person when you abruptly step out of one's life like I just did. It wasn't so much a "me trying not to hurt him" thing, but instead, more of me knowing more about myself and knowing that sooner or later, I'd find some stupid reason to break up with him.

I often wonder if indeed I am destined to be alone; only time will tell I guess. If I'm 40 and still writing these words, then we'll have our answer.

Until then, I shall spend time doing those things that make me like myself and hope for a better day. For instance, that means me spending more time working on the novel, studying for boards (both peds and psych which I will now take) and simply improving myself. Let's see what happens!!!!

Me: Correspondence...

Email is awesome but I've rediscovered the simple joy of letter writing and receiving handwritten letters from folks.

I've also found that I'm a less negative person when I am paying other people compliments...

So in an effort to spread a little positivity around this horribly rude and isolating landscape that is the American social structure nowadays, I've taken to writing letters of thanks to those people, groups, institutions, and businesses that are making a positive contribution (in my opinion) to my life and those I care about.

I was first inspired to do this when I heard the news about the cancellation of "Pushing Daisies" a television show that I've come to love over the last two seasons. But like lots of things in my life, it was not permanent, so I wrote ABC to let them know of my love and how much the show meant to me.

Granted, I should not be watching more television that I already am (and Netflix is like DVD crack!) but I couldn't stand idly by and watch a quality show get nixed without me saying something. It's akin to when I stood by and watched Tamyra Gray get voted off American Idol. Or everytime I hear someone diss gay people because they don't know I'm one.

So far, I've only sent letters to a few folks, namely ABC in regards to Pushing Daisies and my Daddy (it's kinda fun!). But I also sent one to the Renfro Sausage people back in L-town for making such a world renowned product.

I've sent two emails (after finding an auto fill form on their websites) to New York Governor David Paterson and Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, the former who actively fights for gay rights, the latter who has a lesbian daughter.

Today, I'm writing to a few folks I found in the Advocate, namely E. Denise Simmons who is the nation's first openly lesbian black mayor in Cambridge Mass and Jason Barlett, the first openly gay Black state legislator in the nation.

Because my mantra is "treat others as you want to be treated," I would hope that people who found inspiration in me would do the same. Not for the ego boost; but instead, to feel less alone and less unique in this world.

Lol, because I have to "gay it up" sometimes, I thought about getting my own stationary and everything, but that defeats the point of simplicity, modesty, and truth. I'm not looking to run for office or garner fancy. Instead, I hope this acts as a "pay it forward" type activity that I can share with my friends and family.

Let's see what happens...

Me: The New Guy

So I went on an impromptu "date" of sorts yesterday and he was a nice guy. Over the phone he sounded okay and I was thinking that it might work...

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He contacted me on Match.com; I'm not quite sure why or what about my profile attracted him. But he winked. So I winked back. Then he sent me an email and I responded in kind. Then we talked over the phone the weekend of 12/13 and 12/14.

While I was shopping in Meijers (and being the impatient tool that I can be sometimes) I just went ahead and moved up our initial meeting from Tuesday to that very Sunday night.

I met him at Starbucks (he's a coffee drinker, I don't mind the stuff) and we had a very pleasant conversation, laughing spontaneously and making great eye contact. Lol, let me admit now that I could see a little of his nervousness in that when he would look at me when he wasn't talking, I almost had the smallest imperceptible feeling that he thought I would say "oh well, we tried. See ya!"

And his eyes are gorgeous. He's going bald a little bit on top (it's kinda cute actually) but he's such a normal guy. He has interests very varied from mine and isn't the "guy" that I would create for myself. But I like him just the same.

With him, I shall purposely slow things down...and yet doing this feels right. With Mike and many of the others, I always felt the need to rush around. With Jess, that's not the case (yet.) And I aim to keep it that way.

Anywhoo, we have our first official "date" Tuesday night at Alfalfa's so wish me luck. The roads my be shitty so we may have to change things up a bit, but again, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

And he smelled divine. He wore something called "L'Occitane" and it's definitely one that I will allow him to wear (and not buy for myself) until either we're living happily ever after or we break up. Lol. In the meantime, I'll stick with my Burberry Touch which is dreamy in itself. Mmmmm...

Here's to great stories ahead...

Professional: They have no clue...

Professionalism is a reallllly big deal to me.

That's one of the reasons I get so angry and adamant when some of the people I work with and work for throw around the term so loosely. They seem to think that a professional environment entitles those in charge to basically do whatever the hell they want to amongst the commonfolk and any rebuttal must go through some horribly inefficient change of command.

I disagree and I think a pleasant and well thought out "excuse me, I don't believe so" works just as well.

Currently, I'm fighting an unspoken battle against research scutwork that could end my career before I even begin it. I speak up and, of course, am told that I should "just do it." Now, people who know me know that I don't "just do" anything without thinking it through. And in this case, I'm not a fan of what's going on and no amount of coddling me is going to change that.

Anywhoo, I can't wait until someone tries to give me a lecture on professionalism so I can "professionally" put them in their place...ahhh, good times. I probably should've put this one under the "angry black man" subject tab, but it's too late now :)

Black Gay: Be the best me...

So I bought a book a loooong time ago that was geared towards young black men who were struggling to deal with their race and homosexuality. It basically sat on my shelves for months until I just happened across it last night.

What ensued was a consuming of what the author (Jonathan Jones) had to say about growing up black and gay from his perspective. I'm also reading a book that was written by a professor at Emory (whose name escapes me right now.) One of the great things that the Jones guy had to say was that we should spend less time worrying about when our next relationship is coming and more about how we can be the best person we can be which will in turn be more attractive to that special someone when he comes into our lives.

And I couldn't agree more.

Granted, me surfing match.com and the MeatMarket ain't helping things so I'm glad that both subscriptions will be lapsing, so that I no longer have the temptation to spend a well deserved hour on those sites.

And it's helped compel me to restart working out (at home using my Biggest Loser DVDs) as well as get my lazy ass back over and start playing volleyball again.

It's been a whole friggin' year...I probably won't even recognize anyone anymore....

But it's all about reestablishing what's important to me and right now, it's not being a lazy depressed bum...

Me: New Man Scent...

I bought it.

Burberry Touch.

And it's breathtaking.

Anytime I can buy a cologne and Daddy's blown away by it, it's a good thing. Lol, it was so cute to see him get all excited and write down the name so that he could go pick it up the next time he's in the mall.

It's so unique that I've never smelled anything quite like it before. But there is almost a subtle undertone of baby powder for some reason. Yeah, I know it's strange, but it's there to my mildly anosmic nose.

I haven't gotten any compliments on it yet but that's fine by me because I like it and it's intoxicating to smell myself with it on. Wow, that sounds gross but it does really smell wonderful. That brings my Man Scent collection up to about 13 or so...

Black: New Beyonce...

So Beyonce has a new album out where she divides up her tracks according to her softer more vulnreable side (Beyonce) and her stage persona who's fiery and urban (Sasha Fierce). I like both CDs with Sasha's taking a lead because of a song called "Ego."

In fact, I think it'll become the "Irreplaceable" of the season because it's message is just so strong and Beyonce does a great job with it. Don't get me wrong; "Just a Boy" and "Single Ladies" are awesome too, but the former won't catch on like Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and the latter of her two sounds alot like "Crazy in Love."

"Ego"s never been done before and I hear that there's already a remix that involves Kanye, so we could be look at award contention if they play their cards right.

For me, I listened to it at least 20 times because it kept me up on the road while I danced around being a big old flamboyant queen so that no one could see me :) Ah, the things you do to keep yourself awake...

Professional: Al Franken's awesome!!!

While driving home to Texas, I had the distinct privilege of listening to a book on CD entitled "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them" written by Al Franken.

Let's just say I thought the book was so funny and well written and eye opening that I listened to it TWICE!

He did a superb job of point-counterpoint throughout the book, taking great pains to discredit alot of the myths that I had come to hold as truth simply because I was told that they were true. Like the idea of the "liberal media." That term has been thrown around for years and only now I'm I realizing that it's simply a ploy by folks with a louder voice to influence and taint our basic sensibilities.

It's very evident in the fact that there's a whole channel devoted to right wing aggressive viewpoints: Fox News Channel. Yet there's no direct liberal correlation...in fact, the conservatives use their own invention to say "hey, look, everyone else has to be liberal because we are only one channel and that's the only place conservatives can be." Yeah, fucked up thinking but it works cuz people are buying it hook, line, and sinker.

And apparently, Ann Coulter is awful. And judging by the things that she apparently writes in her book, you're damn straight she is.

Anyway, I wish more people would listen and or buy his book because I think it's worth reading or at least thinking about. S'funny though; if I proposed that to some of my friends or to other folks, they'd think I was simply trying to brainwash them into becoming liberal, something that I don't always agree with.

Ah, the shitty yucky side of politics...

Black: Another Thanksgiving...

So this year I decided to drive home for Thanksgiving and that's a drive I'm glad I won't have to make for a whole nother year. Shitfire!

The worst part of the drive has to be going from Memphis to Nashville...it's 180 miles of "ugh, just get there already" made worse by the fact that the mileage signs count down in miniscule increments. And the landscape looks the exact same again and again. Just when you think a big bustling city will just jump out atcha, it's a ruse, and you're going over another hill or around another corner.

Once I got there, it reminded me of why I'm proud to be black and I'm proud to come from such humble beginnings and that I'm proud to have made it out and as far as I have. That's one thing these folks up here don't understand about me: I have quite a complicated and rustic background, filled with lies and distrust and mental fatigue and downtrodden-ness. Nah, not looking for sympathy, but I do want people to know that I refuse to be treated like shit when I know better and I have a well carved outlook for my life that doesn't include bullshit that others would otherwise thrust upon me.

The food was divine and despite me having a vicious case of the runs, I ate like a fiend. And of course I packed some of it up and brought it back with me, so that I may enjoy it while I lounge in my own area.

Momma was in typical form, making her passive aggressive comments about how her kids hate her, etc, etc. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, we know we're horrible kids for making something of ourselves while manuevering every obstacle that seemed to capsize even the most priviledged of our friends and neighbors. Yeah, we suck for trying to make our own lives and not revel in a past that left us often hungry and without one utility or another. Yeah, we know.

I feel for her and wish that she could "get over" whatever the hell she's going through. But no one can initiate and work her through that except for her. I know she'd be a helluva therapy patient that's why I don't even bother. But it's getting to the point where even good food ain't worth all that drama. :(

Me: Gullible...

So on the way down from Kentucky, I had the pleasure of listening to Al Franken's book, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them." Let me just say it was AWESOME! And it makes me severely saddened to know that I too fell for alot of the political bullshit that consumed the Bush administration.

Sure, I saw Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" and I was shocked but still skeptical. But hearing Al Franken put things so eloquently in his book...well, I just might listen to it again on the drive back to Kentucky.

One thing really gets to me though; that these two guys seemingly have all kinds of commonsense and sources to back up there assertions, yet no one is listening to them. I don't quite understand. What's worse is that everything that they're reading literally has a source, often in respected media outlets.

And one of the other ideas is the rise of the "liberal media." It seems that the media is liberal because the conservatives say it's so. I don't condone alot of what goes on, but I truly believe that the media has a unique position to change the mindset of the people. In fact, this whole financial "meltdown" could be much better if people would quit calling it a "crisis" and acted like nothing was going on at all. But of course, that doesn't make for a sensational newstory...

Anywhoo, I'm gonna run for now; will write more later; just know that this shit is crazy...

Gay Professional: Complete Coming Out...

When will it happen?

There's an event going on in Lex for gays and lesbians to protest the passing of Prop 8. I was invited via Facebook by a guy that I went out on a date with. He's fantastic but there's not anything there as far as romantic relations.

Anyway, should I go? What if there are cameras? There are also bound to be other gay men there, both single and partnered with whom I can become acquainted....Should I make a statement?

The answer to the latter is that I should and I feel compelled to do so because soon, it'll be me (hopefully) who can't get married. And I'll be pissed about it. So in preparation, I should be the one standing up and doing interviews. But I'm not that strong....or at least I don't feel that strong.

It's times like these when I wish I had a therapist or a role model or mentor with whom to talk and share these thoughts with.

On another front, what about me just "coming out" on Facebook which I still haven't technically done yet...though I have plenty of things that link me to the gay world. Part of me wants to go through and temper the access of those people who don't really need to know, but I don't want to give off the flair that it's a big deal because it shouldn't be. Notice that I put the "shouldn't" in there. :)

That's because even now, though I'm trying to be open and honest with myself, being completely out is still an issue for me. Because there are times when I'm still trying to figure out just how hated I can be in the eyes of others.

Sometimes I do wish I were straight...but I love men. I just do. Viva the Gays! :)

Me: Stinky Pee...

So didja know that eating asparagus gave you stinky pee? I didn't know that until tonight...I don't even really like asparagus but when it's made by good friends who prepared it for you out of love for a dinner party, you eat it and you smile and you like it. :)

It almost reminds me of okra but the aftertaste is sharp and a bit bitter. Okra, on the other hand, is awesome when prepared correctly: either boiled with lots of pepper or fried. Mmmmm...

Yeah, I know this is something unusual to blog about but I never knew this about this little green vegetable. I've heard of pineapple making manjuice less funky so now I have another tidbit of random knowledge to spew to unsuspecting guests.

Black: Right place, wrong time...

So just yesterday I decided to spur-of-the-moment go out with some resident friends to a local wine bar. There we were going to celebrate one of my friend's boyfriends successful maneuvering of the residency interview system.

Being that I didn't want to be horribly late, I actually arrived at the place on time.

It was an awfully swanky looking place with a tasting room on one half and the actual store on the other.

I didn't know if anyone was there yet so I slipped into the front door and upon not seeing anyone, whipped out my cell phone to call and see where everyone was.

Now I should've known something was odd because pretty much, all eyes were looking at me intermittently with curiosity and apprehension. This isn't new for me: I've come to expect that in many places that I frequent with my white friends.

But this was worse than usual. And instead of just turning and high tailing it out of there (because that was awkward) I stood there like a deer in headlights.

Then a guy walked up to me and said, "oh, this is a private party so the place isn't open." And with shame and weirdness plastered on my face, I turned and walked out.

Yup, embarassing. I tried not to get angry with my friends who told me to go there and of course, I made no mention to them what happened. But it did hurt my feelings...alot.

I hate feeling like that and part of me is now reluctant to ever go near that place again. And another little part resents my friends for allowing me to walk into a trap.

Yeah, I know I'm overreacting but I don't care. They weren't the ones standing there looking like an idiot...

Me: I (currently) regret my decision...

Coming to Klantucky may not have been the best decision I've made in a long time.

Now friends are dating, having babies, making money, doing well academically, excelling in their fields, and I'm not.

That's the plain and simple truth: I'm not.

I'm not dating anyone and the prospects seem slim.

I have no kids yet I yearn for them with every fiber of my being.

I haven't come close to finishing what I need to make extra moolah (thought that might not be a bad thing)

I just got in trouble for poor test scores which limits the above point.

And I don't feel like I have a grasp on anything.

And I don't feel that I can talk to anyone about it because NO ONE would understand.

It's a really awkward position to be in because I'm still as socially and occupationally driven as I have always been and now I'm in that weird place where I don't agree with half the shit that's going on but I can't back out now because I've put so much into it (house, work, etc.)

It's time's like this that I wished I lived closer to home so that I could be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come, which is a small victory in itself.

My problem is that I keep looking outward for happiness when it should lie within. But I think I should focus my energies and efforts towards helping MYSELF because currently, I'm expending energy with no return.

I feel optimistic and I'm not as depressed as I've been othertimes...I'm not sure if it's the alcohol typing or me, but I've come to figure out (again and fucking again) that it's me I have to answer to at the end of the day and that I should do things that make me happy.

Funny how things again come full circle...

Me: Still Smilin'...

So the novelty of Obama winning hasn't worn off yet and I am truly inspired by his story and his ambition. Honestly, if he just keeps being himself, he won't fail. People will believe in him if he allows them to. I hope and pray (and I'm not much of a praying man anymore) that he finds peace each evening. I am really excited...and I'm tearing up again.

Being a black man, this is simply historic. I...I just don't even know what to say to commemorate this wonderful event. I do feel inspired to actually finish my projects. And I do feel a bit less depressed.

And on that topic, I've been thinking of getting a light box because I know just how sad I get during the winter time. Being a summer baby really gets to ya when you're away from year round summer-ness. :)

Anywhoo, President Obama has such a nice ring to it. :)

Me: Obama Wins...

It's validating.

I never knew validation could feel so wonderful! To know that finally, someone "up there" knows and loves me for who I am and what I can be and do. To know that being gay is no longer a negative strike against me and that someone "up there" knows that I am due every right as any and everyone else in our great nation.

Obama is a black man (or at least half). And he's the president of the greatest and strongest nation on the planet.

Ain't that something...I'm speechless!

Me: In Chicago - Part I

So while I was in Chicago, lots of stuff happened:

1. I bought a 25 dollar hamburger. Yeah, it was good but nothing I couldn't do at home with some sirloin, blue cheese, bacon, and pickles.

2. Ate a 45 day old steak wherein they allowed the fat to grow mold and whatnot before cooking the shit out of it. It was tasty and around 50 bucks.

3. Saw "Wicked" which (hee!) was fantastic. Not as good as Legally Blonde or Rent but it was a really good show. The actress playing Elphaba was amazing! Annaleigh Ashford was playing Galinda/Glinda who played Serena in Legally Blonde so I have to admit, it was a little weird seeing her in a main actress role. But they all did wonderfully.

4. Saw "Jersey Boys" very spontaneously. And I'm glad I did. The guy playing Frankie was amazing. His falsetto was only ursurped by some random black guy who was blowing it out when he came on-stage.

5. Experienced non-boredom. In fact it was like sensory overload and made me even more tired. Lol, I can't wait to go back when it's warm outside and see just how many crazy folks are running around doing stuff.

6. Dealt with mass transit. I rode the "El" which surprisingly wasn't that bad. No one paid any attention to me...it was all very "openly incognito." It's hard to comprehend how many people were there with all their different lives and life stories. It makes it much easier to feel that I can be out and open in a place like that.

7. Mingled with the elite: Beau-jamin had some high powered lawyer friends, many of whom seemed to talk at a level quite above what I am accustomed until they actually let down their hair and lo, they are just like me! Whouda thunk it. And these friends were likely just the beginning of the "social ladder." I can only imagine rubbing shoulders with those folks who own the high rises and what not.

8. Realization: I love being me. I love being able to experience new things through my eyes and my point of view. Up there, making eye contact meant asking for something...it was actually comical because I make eye contact with the express purpose of greeting. Ah well, I'm a country bumpkin, what can I say.

More machinations later...

Me: More Shootings...

So in February there was a school shooting on an Arkansas campus.

Then this past weekend there was another school shooting on a campus in Conway Arkansas.

Then an 8 year old in Westfield Massachusetts accidentally shoots himself in the head at a gun fair.

Then in Darlington, SC, a 14 y/o boy killed his pregnant Mother.

Now why the FUCK don't we have gun control?

Some may say that yes, we do have laws about gun control.

Au contraire mon frere.

Let's get rid of the damn things all together. I have said since I was blue in the face that guns really have no role in society. We don't hunt our meat (as much as we used to) and they are simply a cowards way of taking out immature defense mechanisms.

How many friggin' people have to die before we get it through out thick skulls? Sheesh!

Professional: Responsibilities...

So I've gotten input from lots of people, both inside and outside psychiatry about our predicament and every person that I talk to gets the same "oogey" feeling inside and state that they too feel uncomfortable about dealing with other's research volunteers.

Looks like once again, I go into the fight all alone with lots of people supporting me but none willing to step up beside me.

Dr. Lean advised me to watch out for "crucifixion complex" wherein I take on the gripes of others then lead the charge only to find that no one is behind me. :(

So I have pretty much decided to go ahead with my plan but I'll keep it quiet as my goal isn't to lead anyone to salvation but to rather keep me from falling into despair.

Gay Professional: Corduroy Blazer...

Yay!!!

I just bought one for all of 25 bucks from Burlington coat factory (they're more than just coats!)

It took me forever to find it. I looked and looked around the men's section to no avail. I finally found them in the "young mens" section. Lol, then I remembered that I'm 28 so I'm straddling the line, I suppose.

I bought a tan colored version, in L size. I'm hoping that with frequent washing and wear, it'll be soft and pliable and fit me better, though the size isn't the issue. I just want it to look natural without crazy creases and whatnot, like my corduroy pants...but that only comes with wear.

The gay man in me is squeeeee!-ing. The professional in me is saying, "good job." Now to find a corduroy coat...

Professional: World War 3...

So I'm about to take on a whole department who wants to make me do high liability scutwork that I don't want to do.

I think I have a pretty solid argument and documentation that backs up my assertion that we are narrowly focusing on "research" within only this one area that is not in fact research as all we are doing are physical exams and signing our names to pieces of paper that have no bearing on our education.

As Jo so eloquently pointed out, the faculty is getting a very skewed view of all this, thinking that residents are just being lazy whiny bums. This is clearly a matter of perspective because if you'll notice, they aren't the one's on call working their asses off.

I take a lot of risks since I'm footing this alone. No husband. No kids. No pets. No responsibilities to anyone but myself. I guess I'm a bit of a maverick in some senses of the word :) Trust me, I would gladly give up the fight for a good man (not really) but it would definitely change things for me. But until then, I will keep fighting for what I believe is right because I'm the only person I have to answer to and look in the eye in the morning.

Professional: Rehashing...

My new supervisor rocks!

No one at work understands why I feel so fervently about not doing some one else's research because it goes above and beyond simple scutwork. It's because I don't trust any of these people to get my back if the going gets tough.

When I explained all the back story to my supervisor, she sat in abject horror. Before I left, she apologized on behalf of everyone in the department for what happened at the rank meeting.

It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me since I've moved up here.

But I don't know how to proceed. I went to the Psych Dept Chair to basically lay out my perspective and feelings for him and it went all kinds of screwy and basically came down to him getting pissed that people aren't doing what he wants them to do and me getting pissed because no one seems to give a shit about how residents feel doing this work.

So it was a stalemate.

But the next move...what to do? Should I submit the letter and go on strike? Should I instead do more reconnaissence? Should I go ahead and call the ombudsman? Should I talk to the Dean?

It's turning out to be more complicated and harder than I imagined but part of that may be because I'm tired of fighting. There's a part of me that wants to be done with the whole sha-bang and just put my nose to the grindstone and become the best child psychiatrist out there without worrying about what the people think of me. This would entaile me retracting myself from everything that I'm currently doing that is affiliated with the university. And this would be passive-aggressive.

My friends say, "choose your battles." I say, the battles are coming to me but I don't know how to choose. Maybe I should just ignore and they'll go away...

Gay: Just Back...

Egomaniacs run rampant...

And they are lousy to mess with.

Yikes.

This doctor had an opulent house, with marble tile and a piano he didn't play an flat screen televisions EVERYWHERE!

Ridiculous.

And of course, he couldn't hold a regular conversation...nope. Instead he only talked abou him and him, and his family, and him.

And he wonders why he doesn't have a boyfriend.

Egad.

Anyway, I'm gonna start trying to write at least an entry every day for the next week and a half...mainly to see if I can commit to something like that. We'll see :)

BTW, I feel dirty. :(

Me: More Reunion Thoughts...

So, no one knew I was gay there. I danced my ass off, hugged lots of old old and dear friends, saw lots of babies, and caught up with all the gossip.

I was asked maybe 5 times if I was married; each time I just said, "nah, no time." And each time those three words sufficed.

Maybe everyone already knew...maybe they read my myspace page. But no one ever questioned further.

The few people I had told or read my myspace page either didn't show up or didn't ask again, though there really wouldn't be any reason for them to.

But boy did the jealousy hit me in the stomach like a sledge hammer cuz there were lots of husbands, wives, and fiances. Lots of kids too but I'm getting ahead of myself. And not only where they there, they were (for the most part) good looking! Gah! :)

A couple of the guys I used to have major crushes on, Philip and Brad, were both there and both as cute as they had always been. And I will always assert that they are fun to look at :)

I danced with Ms. Brown who was kicking ass and cutting a rug like no-body's business. It was AWESOME!

I've seen a couple of pics from the event and it conjurs up this weird surreal weekend that I'm still not even sure happened. I am again, very disappointed that I didn't see Kim but I'm sure she had her reasons for not coming. I won't belabor that point or think ill of her.

It's taken me a while to realize why some folks just didn't want to come. I didn't understand why you wouldn't want to see an old friend or classmate that you once confided in or cared for. For many people, those memories are best left in the past and I respect that now. I don't like it all that much, but I do respect it nonetheless.

Damn, I can't wait until the 15 year reunion...but does that mean I'm living in the past? Let me go and psychanalyze and therapize myself...

Me: High School Reunion...

I will attempt to write as much as I can before I devolve into a snotty nosed yuck face. My allergies are acting up and kicking my ass (as they are prone to do) and instead of just sleeping it off tomorrow, I must get up and try to get ACLS certified without studying.

Go figure.

Anyway, the 10 year class reunion was this past weekend and it was OFF THE CHAIN! My only regret is that I didn't take one picture! Truth to tell, I'm sorta glad I didn't because it gave me time to run around and do my thing. The bad part is I have no physical manifestations to prove it. :(

But it was glorious to see our classmates and most of them were doing well. I'm super proud of 'em and I couldn't stop smiling.

It was also nice to see one of my childhood crushes. Granted he's married and happy and straight, but that doesn't stop me from remembering the good times. Too bad he left before I could tell him that I had a crush on him....hee! That would've been dramatic and fun.

I earned quite a name for myself though. No one expected me to be the dancing king (or queen depending on how you see it) and I busted it out! I even did the superman dance :)

I hope that everyone was inspired enough to come back for a 15 year reunion because I know it'll be fun for everyone. I'm also glad that I hooked up with a classmate in Chicago who might be able to show me around up there when I go. He's a lawyer.

I'll write more later, but needless to say, it was one of the best times I've ever had since leaving the halls of LHS.

Go Panthers!

Black: Wowza Obama...

Wow, the debate is awesome! It started off as a fairly calm affair but man, do they go at each other when the going gets going. :)

I have to admit; I was fairly superficial in my feelings about Obama and Clinton. I gave her more credit mainly because she's been there and done that. She's played on the international stage and seemed very reliable in regards to her policies.

But then she lost the nomination (which is cool) and Obama stepped up.

Well, after watching the debate, I'm a full fledged supporter. Not only is he very knowledgeable about the various aspects that he's supposed to know, he's savvy and articulate. He makes excellent arguments and (as much as a politician can) answers the questions.

I'm surprised that McCain is being so weird about things. Haha...to think I considered voting for him as a Republican. But now I'm glad I know better. Yikes!

As I sit here hearing that McCain wouldn't advocate "sitting down" with the foreign leaders "without preconditions". I am appalled that anyone would believe or espouse that talking to your enemy is a bad idea. Good lord, you'd think that sticking a gun to one's head is the only way of getting shit done.

Grrrrr...

And why in the hell are we so stalwart about Israel? I just don't get it.

Gay: Relapse...

Ay yi yi...

So I've found myself back on the Meatmarkets but not as intense this time. Do I find myself spending countless hours on there when I have other stuff to do?

YUP!

Have I in turn founds tons of people I should not have an acquaitance with?

YUP!

Do I feel guilty that I've backslid?

YUP!

But have I let it throw me into a shame spiral where I started hating myself and thinking that no one wants me?

Not yet....

I think that's in part because I'm going to Chicago, to light up the town as best I can. Another part is knowing that my old boyfriend wants me back.

There's a bit of haughtiness that I can derive from that which will help bolster whatever shortcomings I have in self esteem.

Now back to the job of weaning myself from this addiction...

Gay: Running gag...

That's what it feels like sometime; the amount of time I waver on my promises to myself and hope that I can muster the guts to excel in the future.

Well, the Olympics are on and I'm allowing them to take up all of my time. It's crazy! But I love it! Gotta run...

Professional: Them Again...

Not all nurses are bad.

But it seems like there are a few bad apples that spoil the whole bunch for me.

I dread being on call. Currently, not only am I orienting someone who should theoretically be my senior but it's taking it's toll on me.

Especially since I'm already a bitter jaded asshole.

I know I'm going to go off on someone soon. I can feel it bubbling just below the surface. I will do my best to keep it in check but all bets are off when I'm tired and feeling beat down...which, lately, is all the damn time.

It shows me that I should make sure to again do my own thing and get away from as many people as I can when I start my practice.

Gay: Relapsing...

I'm not sure what it is about the MeatMarket sites but they have such a draw to me, especially when I'm feeling pitiful and ugly. Those sites allow me to "meet" people (and reject people) at a whim. That feeling of power is intoxicating; but it's also deadly because it can consume your life.

This is my 3rd or 4th go at it and I'm trying to make sure that it doesn't take over like it did in January. In retrospect, the sites have done nothing for me socially or mentally. In fact, the only benefit has been me being able to get my rocks off more frequently. But with all the guilt and worry about playmates (and their status) it has all been for naught.

And one other thing I realized was that now that I've started this, I can't quit cold turkey because the "withdrawals" if you will are very strong. Instead, I must wean myself over weeks and months and use more time getting out to meet people rather than playing online.

Let's see if it works!

Gay: Perspective, Part II

And so I went back to yahoopersonals one night just for shits and giggles and I found that a really cute guy had emailed me. We talked back and forth through email for a couple days and decided to meet for coffee. Immediately, I knew there were some things physically that I wasn't attracted to, but I pushed all that aside because he was adept at conversation and was a generally nice guy.

And he has magnificent eyes. I mean they are really stunning....and you know how I get about that :)

Anywhoo, he came over last night and we watched a couple movies together then stayed up to talk and get to know one another better. Which is where the trouble starts...

He doesn't know if he likes girls.

At my ripe old age of 28, I have little patience for men who haven't figured out if they're straight or gay (remember, I don't believe in bisexuality.) And here he was sitting in my bed (no we didn't do anything) telling me that he is figuring out if he'll like having sex with women.

So beautiful eyes or not, I have to let him go. Not that I don't have time to cultivate a relationship with this guy, but I definitely don't have the drive to do so when there are other glaring potential issues, especially regarding self confidence and self esteem (on his part.)

Damn, and I thought things were finally turning around. Ah well, c'est la vie once again...

Gay Professional: Perspective...

So I met this guy through Match.com who lives about 6 hours away he's a Child Psychologist (and apparently a good one) and it seemed like things were going okay. But I immediately noticed that he seems even busier than myself. Tell-tell sign that things won't be hopping off the ground when the person you're interested in won't sacrifice whatever they're doing to send you an email. So there were some days where I didn't hear from him at all. Should have known then, right?

In any case, I got an email the other day from him say he didn't see anything progressing past cyberspace but that he'd still like to stay in contact as friends and colleagues.

My first reaction (because rejection in any amount hurts) was to tell him to never contact me again, but I realize how hard long distance is and I realize how career can often get in the way of love. But with all that said, I don't need any more long distance friends cuz it's hard enough to keep in contact with them and I already love them.

And there's the professional aspect: he seems to know his child psychology (he even gives lectures on this stuff) so burning this bridge could mean one less consulting resource in the future...so I guess I'll just politely step away from the keyboard and move along to someone else....

....which I have already done... :P

Me: Comic Book Blue Balls...

The Crossgen universe is simply amazing.

That's why I play the lottery. Sure, I also play because I'd like to never work again and also find a quick and dirty way to pay off my student loans in one fell swoop and endow all the camps that I work with so that they can be self sustaining.

But all that doesn't cost much money.

Buying back Crossgen and all the rights and titles that includes will be expensive.

But the story is worth it.

I wish I could regather the whole creative team so that the stories can be completed and drawn as they were meant to be. Much like the blue-ball inducing world of "Reboot" I feel that the world has been cheated of a great story and bottom line.

So, when I win (cuz it's only a matter of time ;) the story will be completed and it will be good. Very good.

Black: One more reminder it's time...

...for a change.

We need strong black leadership that is free of ethnocentrism yet embraces us as a subculture of the greater American stage.

We need to stop putting ourselves in the position of second fiddle yet recognize that black and other races are biologically and social different.

We need to get rid of the idiots who speak on our behalf (Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton) yet recognize that we do have a unique voice (Obama, Cosby, Oprah.)

We need to come together and help those in our race who are less fortunate yet not provide a handout; instead we must inspire them to want to improve their dispositions.

We need to integrate our colleges, churches, neighborhoods, yet provide newcomers with a taste of what it's like to encounter black culture.

My wish: To get Obama, Cosby, and Oprah in a room and lay out a plan to bring black people to the social strata that they deserve. We're an amazing group of people but we've allowed our own hubris and issues to distract and hinder us. The time has come for a change that WE can believe in.

Gay: GLMA...

The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association.

If I play my cards correctly, I'm going to try and attend the conference this year. It's located in Seattle...maybe I could stay with Stinka.

Going to the APA was an amazing experience in that I got to see thousands of psychiatrists all with a common goal: free drug rep paraphenalia. :) Just kidding...no, it was nice to see that there were psychiatrists of all shapes and sizes and colors and ages. But even more amazing was meeting the guys of the AGLP and LAGCAPA who were awesome! So I can only imagine how nice it'll be to have a whole conference of lesbian and gay physicians from all walks of life and specialities.

Yeah, finding a match would be nice; I can't kid myself into thinking that I won't be keeping my eyes out for my knight in shining armor. But it's also important to me to find other gay and lesbian resident friends who know exactly what it's like to have to balance the yuckiness of the graduate medical education system and homosexuality and patients and living... I got a taste of this at AGLP and it was such a breath of fresh air.

In any case, it'll give me the chance to use up some of my book money which I foolishly almost lose each year. Especially with Incompetent McChauncey in charge of reimbursements.

Besides, I'll get to see Seattle for the first time...in fact, it'll be my first time in the west ever! Neato!

Professional: Work & Writing...

So, working in the Major Children's Hospital ED has proven to be exhausting! And they're only 10 hour shifts...you'd think that I hate work. Well, I do...when it doesn't pertain to an ultimate goal. Now that I know pediatrics is not my goal, every taxing exercise (i.e. any of the seedy underbelly of training, like NICU, away ERs, etc) just makes me angry becuase I'm having to exert effort in something I don't want to do.

So, it's not me being lazy. Like I tell my friends all the time: I'll do the work, but I don't have to like it. It's a pity that some people don't realize how and why I do what I do. In any case, I have another month of Wards to get through before I hit easier street. But there's an added bonus to everything! I get to go to camp this year WITHOUT using a week of vacation! How awesome if that??? I am indebted to the niceness of the scheduling chief so I will have to make sure I get them something extra special from camp.

And now on to writing: who knew it was so difficult! Dremme and I are thinking up all kinds of concepts though I hope to make our big story applicable to real life with an infusion of magic rather than the other way around. I don't think we're on the same page in this regard, so it'll be interested to see how our disagreements pan out thoughout this. One thing that is clear for me; I cherish his friendship waaaaay more than story writing. But I also don't want to do anything halfway. So if it comes down to it, I'll stop writing (at least together) and simply enjoy my final years with him.

But it would be nice to have J.K. Rowling status...wowza. :)

Professional: But I don't wanna be right now...

It has only been two days in the ED and it feels like 2 weeks! We stay busy from the time we get there until it's time to leave.

My first shift, I peed once and drank a 6 oz Coke.

My second shift, I peed once and drank a cup of water.

And I had my first death so far: status asthmaticus. Kid just wasn't moving air at all no matter what we did. And it was balls-to-the-wall full code too.

9 years old, otherwise healthy.

I'm going to bed.

Professional: 196,394.79

That's where my debt stands now...last year it was around 183K...it's amazing what 13 THOUSAND dollars of interest'll do to your repayment amount.

Luckily, I'm constantly served a reminder of what it's like to grow up poor. To borrow against a future that, if you fuck it up, you'll never get out of unless you mysteriously disappeared in some form or fashion.

Each year, one must humble themselves and throw themselves prostrate on the Gods of Higher Education and plead for them to let me wrack up more debt since I can't pay the initial debt to start with. It's really a great system.

For one of my loans, by the time I will have paid it off, the amount will be around 50K...that might not seem like alot unless you think about the fact that the initial principle of the loan was 27K...that's almost DOUBLE! And during all this time, someone's walking away with money in their pockets...too bad it ain't me.

Isn't capitalism great! :(

Professional: Creative Writing...

So Dremme and I have decided to write a book together...actually we decided to write litte short stories a loooong time ago and had gotten off to a fairly decent start when he dropped out because he was fatigued from work.

Not one to fuss over side projects that are supposed to be fun, I didn't worry about them and moved on, but I always wondered what would come of them...

Now we're back on the same page and looking forward to maybe producing something that publishable. Remember: Dremme is an English major and loves this shit. I'm just an avid pretender who bores easily and loves a happy ending :) So this should work well.

Currently, we have two pieces that we'll continue "fleshing out" but we'll start a third that will be the main project we attempt to publish. But if we keep kicking ass on the other two, we just might be able to use them as publishable fodder some day as well. We'll see...

Me: Poor, Broke, and Hungry...

I was raised on food stamps and remember vividly the times when we ate the same things over and over again. Pigs feet, pork neckbones, cabbage, red beans and rice, cornbread...anything that Momma could stretch to feed the hungry mouths that came in from school every single day.

Now that I'm off on my own, things are different. I no longer need to eat those things (though I do long for them occasionally) but yet I still make poor choices. Sure, my spending habits are much improved compared to what they were, but saving has never been a priority.

But that shall all change. I've already opened an online savings account which is awesome because I actually forget about the fact that a little bit each month is going that direction. This next year, since we get a "raise" I may just double what I contribute each month and continue to "live like I've been living" though I'm still trying to wrangle in some of my spending habits.

Newest news on this front: I might be getting a roommate. He's a fellow resident in anesthesiology and a nice guy. I've known him for the past two years that I've been here and so far, he hasn't become a freak. It's mutually beneficial for the two of us...not only do we save tons of money but he doesn't have to worry about house selling etc as much (he just got divorced) and I get to save all kinds of money.

That reminds me, I also need to start moonlighting which should be interesting...but at 75 bucks an hour, I shouldn't complain! :)

Gay Professional: Like Minds...

So I was bored one evening and decided to sign up for Match.com again. Don't really know why I did, but it's interesting that I can now separate myself from these activities. Whereas before, I spent hours on these sites, perusing through profiles and feeling worthless when no one responded (or the ones that did were less than what I was looking for), now it's just an aside.

I got one response from a nice guy who is in a similar profession and so far, we "talk" everyday and things are going okay. Right now the topics are mainly music and work and far, far less of the "relationship." Lol, I'm digging the conversation, especially since it keeps me from falling for someone quickly and I'm too busy to devote my heart anyway. It sounds the same for him.

Though it is quite funny that we could (regardless of if we're together or not) open up our own medical home and make a killing between his Ph.D and my M.D.

And he also has a 4 y/o son...I haven't really let that one sink in yet. I haven't asked him how he procured such an amazing treasure (i.e. sex with a woman) but I'm sure it'll come up. If it was from an adoption process, he gets lots of bonus points. If he did truly have sex with a woman...well...that would be a little hard for me to swallow.

We'll see what happens!

Gay: You Got the Hiv...

So far, so clean! By practicing safe sex and thinking before I do things, I've been spared this unfortunate virus.

Unfortunately the same can't be said by hundreds of thousands of other Americans who were not as lucky. And it breaks my heart to say that one of them is a close friend from undergrad who was something of my hero back then. He was brave enough to come out during undergrad; I was so afraid for him...but also me. I didn't want to be labeled, to be "that gay guy." I couldn't figure out why he purposefully be that guy.

After years of thought, blood, sweat, and tears, I know why. Because he was proud of who he was; something it took me a really long time to realize about myself and more importantly, to appreciate in him.

But as many young gays can attest to, "coming out" is a lonely process. Doing so after being enrolled at the biggest Baptist university in the world can be life changing. So he, like many of the men on "Queer as Folk" dabbled in drugs, one of which was crystal meth.

I don't know how it was done (i.e. IV or snorting, etc) but it helped result in likely promiscuous sex and contracting a lifelong fatal disease.

And it breaks my heart.

Even as a physician, I had never seen HARRT meds up close and personal. Sure, I could write for them and I may have seen them dispensed before, but as I stood in the motel room, holding a 7 day pharm plastic dispensing unit full of horse pills, it hit me...the Hiv is real. And it's killing my friend.

So now, my world has changed and I'm promising to better to myself and to enjoy my life as best I can. And continue wearing condoms :)

Professional: Time Ain't On My Side...

I'm not sure why but it always feels like I'm running behind in everything I do. It could be that I'm trying to accomplish 8 years worth of work in 5 but others have done it so I should be able to pull it off.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of seeing patients, maintaining my sanity and my relationships, and planning for the future that I find myself just sitting around stunned into not even attempting for fear of failure and the drama that comes with it.

It's not the optimal situation, residency. And so I'm taking some advice given to me by a licensed professional and cutting those things out that simply are not useful. Unfortunately, alot of that "not useful" stuff involves maintaining friendships and one would argue that they are important for the future but time draining now.

So what's a man to do?

Gay: Mirrorless...

So you never realize just how vain and weird your bathroom looks when you mirror falls off your wall :)

I replaced my bathroom mirror in the Scourge of OutDatedness that happened about a year and a half ago when I was sprucing up my place. I thought I had a very good glue to affix the mirror to the wall...little did I know it was slowly losing it's grip and that a year and a half after it was up, would come tumbling down from it's perch, gold gilding and all.

Luckily the friggin' thing didn't break, so all I have to do is reaffix it with MORE glue and let it set for more than 24 hours (which means I shower upstairs.) An inconvenience but hey, it's all worth it when it looks fabulous, right?

I really don't have that great a fashion/art deco sense...I think the gay gene fails me on this account.

Black Professional: So Rare...

I might as well be an Ashkenazi Jew...

I've been blessed to be able to do so many things and meet so many amazing people. My latest foray into awesomeness was Chris and John's wedding but once again, I noticed something that was missing...

Black people.

Nah, it's not because either one of them discriminate...it's just they've not had a chance to meet awesome sistas and brothers to befriend. There was another colored lady :) but she was African and there is a distinct difference between Africans and Americans of black descent (to be a little more politically correct :) So again, I shared this amazing occasion by my melatonin lonesome self.

Maybe it's because I didn't go to historically black college or university or med school or residency that I get this skewed view of being the only person to make it this far. Lol, I realize it's hyperbole but when you take it into context with living in Kentucky, then you see why.

I look forward to the day that I meet other successful young black gay guys with which to cavort. I did run across one (hi Karsh!) and I'm keeping my lookout for them everyday, especially ones that may be near me geographically (but in keeping with the title, I'll keep it just to black professionals.)

I believe that black professionals are the key to revitalizing the black race in America and organizing them into a strong political force. With the help of folks like Oprah, Bill Cosby, Colin Powell, and less of Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, and Pastor Wright, we could be a force to reckon with. I'm not sure how I feel about Obama yet (cuz I'm too busy adding a black tax to him...) but once I do more reading, I'll have to see which side of the fence we're on.

In the meantime, I'll keep on representin' in every which way I can, for as long as I can, until it wears me out...

Gay Professional: Premier Wedding...

John and Chris had an amazing wedding. It was held at the Quaker friends meetinghouse, where they've been members for a year or so. The ceremony was performed very much in the Quaker tradition, wherein no one led the ceremony and instead, they exchanged their vows when they were ready and essentially we all signed the wedding certificate making it "legal."

But those logistics were the smallest part of the wedding. After they had exchanged vows, anyone felt moved to speak could do so. And my, it was absolutely beautiful. I almost lost it a few times but was able to hold it together to offer my congratulations and thoughts about their love for one another.

My, the things that others said...it shows me just how loved they are. I ended my comments with "thank you for loving one another" because lately, that's how I perceive the world; as lacking in the very thing that links us together.

And their kiss...it was simple but more poignant than any clusterfuck of a kiss I've seen in the porn world...such passion and conviction. Gentle and reassuring. Lol, it was truly one of the most beautiful scenes that I've ever witnessed (gah, I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.)

The reception was awesome! It was held at a lakehouse and the weather gods were nice to us as they provided a picturesque blue sky, 70's to 80's temp wise, and few skeeters to suck our blood. And I met some really cool people, especially the family of Chris. I got to share a bit of my own coming out story and learn how it was for them to "deal" with him coming out (though it didn't sound too awful.)

John's family wasn't there but that's because they are much like my family used to be: uber religious and judgemental. Yeah, someday they'll regret their decision to miss it...and it will break their hearts.

Does it make me pine for my own wedding? Sure. But it also reminded me that things that good are worth waiting for.

Black Gay: No more MeatSites...

So I am status post day #1 without the sites and I'm a better person because of it.

Not only do I have time to blog on a more regular basis, but I don't feel ashamed and self defeatist.

As a black gay man who has this uncanny attraction to white men, KY is not necessarily the mecca of acceptance and diversity I unconsciously long for. But I put myself out there, day after day since late January in an attempt to hook a good guy.

My premises were wrong.

First off, while good guys do frequent those sites, you must also remember that no one on those sites is truly looking for love by itself...okay, I shouldn't say "none" but I will say most.

Secondly, online pictures and profiles will never be an adequate substitute for face to face interaction or catching one's eyes on the street. It's especially painful when you meet a guy online with whom you share so much verbally and socially only to see his pic and find that you aren't initially attracted to him in any way at all. It's even WORSE when that initial meeting is face to face instead of via photo exchange. And MORE WORSE STILL is when you realize that YOU'RE THAT GUY for someone (i.e. they open the door, see your face, and it drops into disappointment.)

I've experienced that phenomena enough times that I must call it quits online. In fact, I'm taking the approach that I shouldn't be "looking" for dates and instead do those things that make me happy and hopefully will run across someone at some point. Lol, at least that's the strategy for now.

In the meantime, I will keep to myself and work on those things that I need to accomplish to get through residency and life (for the next 3 years) in one sane piece. Being black and gay is tough; adding the "love white men" modifier has complicated it even more but I can't let my closeted demons get the best of me.

Because me is good! :) (yay for positive self talk!)

Professional: Hands Off...

So lately I've been continually impressed at how people in position of power over the training of physicians fail to realize who they're dealing with. Most doctors (especially pediatricians and psychiatrists) will, when left to their own machinations, do good when it comes to patient care. Sure, you'll have your idiots but that in any field that you go to.

I refer to the micromanagement of TPTB ("The Powers That Be") who run my program. The involvement in normal residency life is not only a waste of their time but an imposition of ours. For instance, when two residents would like to switch a call of their own volition, I don't see why anyone should object unless the residents were knowingly going to cause a problem (i.e. they would be on call too soon or not have enough time off between their slave shifts.) But those problems are easily solved by the residents and chief taking a look and approving.

But not here. Nope, the directors and chiefs, and janitors and secretaries, and ice cream man down the street all seem to have varying levels of input which only serves to frustrate the already overworked and underpaid/preciated resident and make them hate their life all the more.

Paternalism is alive and strong in the world of "Graduate Medical Education" and the system seems to breed those administrators who, as residents, couldn't grasp the idea of being one's own person with rights and responsibilities.

Allowing the peons to be innovative with their craft is a learning pearl I found a looooong time ago. Investing in "your people" will work almost every time (provided you give them some guidance.) Apparently I'm the only one on that turnip truck...

Professional: ASSHOLE

Every day that I go to work, there seems to be no way around what I'm becoming.

For instance, today, I got a call from the head of GME who told me, in intonations that stoked the fire, that I was suspended for delinquent medical records.

This is the first time in almost 2 years that something like this has ever happened. Instead of "hi bip2, I'm sorry to bother you but I wanted to let you know that you'll be suspended if your records aren't complete...is there anyway I can help you out?" It's "you're suspended."

The people around this joint are very very good at pointing out the obvious in as rude an overtone as possible. Take the urology resident for example, name of Byelin (sp?): "has he had a prostatectomy? [Me: "mmm...yup, in 2006"] reaaaaaally?" Asshole. Rude residents really chap my ass cuz we're all in the same fucking boat: the little dingy that floats behind the big cruise ship called Commercialism.

In any case, I fully recognize that this probably happens elsewhere and that rude people are a dime a dozen. But dealing with jerks this far away from normal-people-land is proving to be too much for me. I know for a fact that my life would be much easier here if I were a straight white guy. No doubt about it.

But I'm not. I'm a gay black single doctor with big aspirations and humble beginnings who thinks that everything will work out in the end and that social happiness is possible.

And it's killing me.

But if I can pull this off, it'll be the single most AMAZING feat of anyone that I've ever known has pulled off...

Gay: My First Gay Wedding...

So I'm currently slated to attend the HolmHansen wedding and I couldn't be more excited. Not only will it be the first of it's kind for me, it'll also be nice to:
1. Get the fuck out of town. Yeah, it's 5 hours away but I'm actually looking forward to hitting the road and spending some alone time with my thoughts and my music. Just like old days! When I think about it, that's one of the things I'm missing: a place to go. Since most times my places to go entail getting on a plane (with all the stress and issues with loss-of-control that go with that) this should be a nice reprieve.
2. Spending time with like minded people, i.e. GAYS! It was refreshing to talk with an attending today who asked my opinion about working with the gay population. John and Chris sound like they're truly happy and I can't wait to meet them and their super smart (and likely liberal) friends. It's at a Quaker house after all!
3. Reunite with my past. I have forgotten where I came from and some of the shit that I've made it through because life is so busy now it allows me to do that. Seeing John and Keelay is likely to stir up old emotions and I want them to come in droves.
4. Connections: While I will make a conscious effort to "not find a husband" as I am prone to do in these type of situations (after which I am sorely disappointed and become more bitter and depressed) I will strive to admire the wonderfulness of people for who they are, not what they could be to me.
Lol, I saw on the invitation information regarding playing in the park afterwards, so I wonder what the dress code is for us...

Professional: Changing of the Guard...

I've been giving a transfer more and more thought every day.

Things at work are absolutely mind-numbing for me at this point. I no longer trust that the leadership is working in the best interests of the residents. I no longer believe that they care about who we are as people, much less training doctors.

I feel completely abused and tricked. I feel that people were not honest with me before I moved here and now I am suffering the consequences. And I don't know what to do.

My heart says "get the fuck out." My brain says "it's too much of a clusterfuck to try."

I could transfer to a psych program and see if I could work it out to be in their Child Psychiatry program...

I just cannot fathom that every place in the US treats their residents with such disrespect and ambivalence...and if they did, hopefully I would KNOW that before I committed to 5 years of being treated like an indentured slave.

I don't know what to think or to do...

Black Gay: An Enigma...

So in true gay man form, I had another "encounter" but this one was funny because the guy said, "hmmm...over the phone I couldn't tell you were a black guy." Now of course I don't hold it against him because we all have our prejudices, but it shows me once again that the thought is alive and well.

As the solo black guy in the choir, I found myself being the only black guy in the whole church during concert time...even though it was one of the more full spring concerts.

And it's a constant nagging thought in the back of my head when I meet a white guy that I find attractive. Voltaire, for instance...I don't know what he thinks of black guys, much less me...a little piece of that self loathing part of me thinks that I'm "too black" or "too greasy" or lips "too dark" or nose "too wide." It's terrible but seeing as how I live in a world where I faun over the white Abercrombie and Fitch model, it's fitting that I put down myself in this fashion; girls do it all the time (much to society's chagrin.)

And being a "black gay" (which IS different than a "gay black") is so tough when you have no one to spend time with who is like you.

It is indeed lonely at the top...

Professional: Research...

So one of the wondeful requirements of our program that I learned of AFTER I had come here, is that I have to complete a research project.

Of note, I've always hated research because research uses statistics and I learned a loooong time ago that you can get statistics to "prove" damn near anything. Small aside; the idea of "meta-analysis" is inherently flawed...never trust a mega-study that tries to minimize the confounds and biases of the individual studies that make it up...just won't work according to my statistics training back at the Barber College o' so many years ago.

Anyway, in my zeal to boost my self esteem and ego, I applied for national scholarship that requires research. Yeah, I know: what the hell was I thinking? At the time, I was thinking that I needed something to prove that I'm not just a worthless piece of shit that no gay man, apparently, wants to date. :( Now that I've gotten the award and have realized that I must be the best person I can be for myself, I'm stuck with creating and completing a research project.

Good: I can kill two birds with one stone.

Bad: I need to start the fucking thing.

And the project I wish to undertake will be performed out of state, will require IRB stuff, and tons of energy and follow up.

So I need to start 3 weeks ago :)

Let's just say if I can pull this motherfucking thing off, it'll be a major feat and major contribution to the field of psychiatry and chronic illness in kids...

Gay: I'm proud of myself...

So in playing with various guys on the meat market sites, I've learned quite a bit about myself. Not only do I think I have an addiction (it's sad but true) it's dawned on me that I'm lucky.

I came out when I was young(er.) So many older guys I've run across aren't out to themselves or their co-workers or friends. They've spent their whole lives in one persona and now can't break free of that to be themselves.

So they end up sneaking around, meeting guys (like me) on the internet in hopes of hooking up or other equally fun (yet inane) encounters.

While I'm not carrying a rainbow flag or shouting my love for men across the rooftops, there has to be something said about openly admiring the male form and having others know that when I compliment a woman on their attire, it is justified with no ulterior motives.

I feel especially bad for those men and women who are in the closet, older, AND have children...wow. I could only imagine how that must feel. Feeling that you'll somehow "screw your kid up" is a gargantuan pressure all its own.

So go Bip2! You've made leaps and strides some people will only dream of in their lifetime. And for that, I am proud!

Professional: Ancillary Staff...

Though I've turned over a new leaf in regards to my self esteem, self image, and self worth, I have not been able to shake my irritation with what I perceive as incompetence.

Be it nurses or techs, attendings or administrators, I can't stand to think that someone is wasting my time, especially if those people are supposed to be "helping" me.

I don't know if it's because I'm a resident, (a.k.a. indentured slave) or what, but having people treat me like shit has become unacceptable and reprehensible. And now I find myself getting krunk with folks and pulling rank: something that I've NEVER done before.

But being an asshole makes me feel good. It's crazy! Yes, it makes me ashamed to admit it, but there's something thrilling about letting out your frustration and anger on someone who deserves it (though probably not in such fervor.)

I'm hoping that admitting it (even out here in cyberspace) will help me acknowledge my anger and hopefully help me "let it go" and get back to the even-keeled person that I used to be before medicine changed my life forever...

Gay: The Rehab...

So far, so good.

I'm trying to minimize the amount of time, energy, and effort I place in finding a boyfriend. I am actively pushing those thoughts out of my mind and instead, trying to enjoy life for what it has to offer me...not me and some imaginary guy.

I've been really really hard on myself and in the end, it only hurts me more than improve me so that someone will love me. Wow...actually writing this stuff out does really help!

I'm proud of myself. Granted it's only been 5 days but that's 5 days of peace of mind that I didn't have last week.

Go me go!!! :) I love myself, I really do...

Black Professional: The Black Tax

When blacks must work twice as hard for the same amenities and niceties bestowed upon others for 1/2 the work.

I've seen it time and time again and being in Kentucky, it happens more often than naught. I would like to think that I haven't seen the looks and stares but it's ever present. Sometimes it's that look out of the corner of someone's eye. Other times it's a look of surprise and wariness. In any case, it's the sign that I should "step up my game" and make sure to dot my "i's" and cross my "t's."

Which is very tiring. :(

The Black Tax also manifests itself as an unspoken responsibility to reach out and teach others who are less fortunate than myself. This was not a huge burden in undergrad and medical school But in residency, it's damn near impossible! I've almost buckled this year because of my undying desire to "help" people. Crazy, no?

I'm just looking for a time when I can have more opportunities around "my people," those being of a triple minority. Lol, hell, it'd be great to be around the double minority that leads my title of today's blog...but until that time comes, I'll just sit and whittle...

Professional: Doctor Nurses...

Bad idea.

In our zeal to increase the number of healthcare providers in the field, the system is creating (or for doctors, we're allowing them to create) a shortcut that may alleviate the crunch in the short term but will ultimately be a problem for everyone.

As it stands nurses can become practitioners and essentially train independently. We've seen the results of this in our community and half the time, it ain't pretty. I can only imagine what someone with less than half the training of physicians will do when they are free to "act as primary care physicians."

What a statement! I can't even believe that they allowed something that outta control to be published.

I could go on and on and on about what a bad idea that is but the proof will be in the pudding. When they start dealing with drug seekers and lawsuits. When they get the sick patients who come in to their clinics on death's door and they don't know what to do.

So bring 'em on; I don't foresee them making much of an impact in my future practice and that's one of the reasons I just let this whole idea slide...

Professional: Shaving off the excess...

So I'm too involved. It's just that simple.

Luckily, choir is done for the season. Camp is now not as regular a commitment (though it'll likely rear it's head again.)

The afterschool exercise/healthy choices program I participate in is also done for the year so that's another thing off my plate. My therapy patient cancelled so that's a negatory for now. I've finished my yard for the most part so that's all good.

Now I just need to start working on my research projects and we should be good to go, theoretically.

In any case, being a Pediatrician and Child Psychiatrist are awesome goals and I can't wait to finish up my training.

Gay: I can't let you win...

Talking to BuggerBecca today helped so much. Talking with Burnsy was awesome as well.

So, as of 11pm, 5/26, I'm changing my life because I want to.

No more pining over the fact that I'm alone. No more wanting to find a boyfriend to the point that I have begun to hate myself and think that I'm less of a good guy.

I have too much good about me to let doubts like that ruin my life.

Since January, things have just been getting worse; I think that the weather had a lot to do with it but the downslide continued even after the temperatures started climbing.

But as India.Arie sings, "because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you been, but today, I have the opportunity to choose."

So I choose to be happy and I choose to not let the fickleness of others to determine my self worth....

YAY FOR ME!!!!

Gay: Legally Blonde...

So I recorded "Legally Blonde: The Musical" when it aired on MTV a loooong time ago and I've watched it multiple times and it's so creative and refreshing! It doesn't strike me as big as Rent did, but it's still kick ass. I'm amazed at how great a shows can become with a strong lead. That Laura Bundy lady is simply divine!

Gay: Take it Slow...

So Voltaire actually responded to an email I sent him the other day. He wished me the best at the concert and stated the he would try and make it. He didn't from what I could tell (though I had the best showing of my friends to date!) but it's all good because he gave the impression that he wanted to see me again.

I'm having a bit of a "EEEEEEE!" moment because it means there may be something still there; but I'm not sure what to do because every other "relationship" that I've had that started similar to this ended up a big ass waste of time. There's part of me that wonders if I'm overthinking things and plaing a mind game on him and me at the same time.

And then it becomes a matter of wondering again just how interested he is in me. He still frequents the websites where I met him, sooooooo....hmmm....

Black: Barbecue...

So it's the day before Memorial Day and I've been working on my barbecueing skills so I was really pleased how the cookout went today. I had an array of barbecue/smoked meats: pork, franks, beef patties, and chicken. Of them all, the pork turned out the best and reminds me most of home. As soon as it crossed my lips, years of joy and pain came rushing back. Momma's cooking followed by the disdaine of eating bbq over a summer because the lights were cut off. hahaha...with every good, there's a bad...I'll never forget that.

It also reminded me of just how much black folks love them some barbecue. Sure, our white counterparts likely feel the same, but there's something about us and the wonderful aroma and taste of hickory...mmm...

And I love the way that I smell after working the pit. I took a shower before I got started and it's intoxicating how the smells of soap, deodorant, and smoke mingle to produce an aroma that just makes my spirit soar.

What's best is I got to share this with some of my best friends up here in L-town...hahaha, it's just like Momma used to do with us; win our hearts by winning over our stomachs. Growing up poor had it's benefits. :)

Gay: White Men...

I am strangely drawn to them.

Since I can remember "being gay," I've found an affinity for those with fair skin and eyes whose pupils I could easily find. I'm not sure if it was simply the fact that we were bussed across town to go to a "white school" or if it was just my love of Richard Dean Anderson, white men have always held a special place in my heart.

While I can probably wax and wane on my history and fascination with them (lol, they do form the foundation of my first post within this blog) I will say that coming to Kentucky has definitely tempered my enthusiasm.

No, not my enthusiasm for admiring and relishing country fed white guys up this way, with rednecks, and blazing blue eyes. But definitely my enthusiasm at the prospects of actually dating them.

For instance, I recently ran across quite a delightful man whom I will call Voltaire. We befriended one another on the MeatHunt site and quickly fell to texting and calling one another. This was about 2 weeks ago, so I had already learned that rushing into things only leads to heartbreak.

In any case, he came over and we spent a delightful time watching "The Chorus" for you see, we are both into music; he moreso than I as he was a music major who actually creates scores of music for theatre. How fucking cool is that????

As soon as I opened the door, I could tell things weren't gonna work.

And after I hugged him goodbye, it was (essentially) the last time I've heard from him.

Resentment? Yes, yes Beyonce; your song is very apropos for this occasion. What's worse is that I see him on the MeatHunt and other SansEve4SansEve site and roll my eyes that he doesn't reply to emails...or worse, he exits when I get on.

I try not to take it personally but it's tough since my affinity for them is so strong.

And though this state is bustling at the seams with gorgeous white men, I can't seem to find any with whom we share the same level of interest.

Guess I'll just keep looking...

Me: Overload

I've overloaded myself and now the time has come to pay the piper.
1. Video Skit for Pediatrics
2. JJ Final Gift
3. Volleyball
4. Tennis
5. Working Out
6. Gymnastics
7. Application for Ohio
8. Application for Kentucky
9. Kickball
10. John's Wedding
11. Bereavement and diabetes camps
12. Various banquets, dinners, lunches

I want to take a year off...of course, being the poor single man that I am, I can't afford to do that so instead I must stay, wallow in the yuck that I have (and seemingly continue to create) made and deal with it.Vas asked if me having or getting a man would make my opinion on life change and the conclusion I have reached is a resounding "YES!" I'm a hopeless romantic who feels completely doomed for the time being. I reach out only to get rejected by so many in the online community, EVEN THOUGH I realize just how fickle they are.

Nothing replaces first sight!Anyway, there's not enough time in the day and I have to work at squeezing stuff in, including the obligatory sulking that I've gotten myself into the habit of doing. Pretty soon, I'll be the new Debbie Downer and once you get that label, you can't go back.

Me: I Feel Bad...

Like a big ol sack of shit...As I sit hit crying at my laptop like the loser that I am, I realize that my life sucks and I suck for complaining about something that could be much worse. I could be alone without people who cared about me, with no purpose or drive or meaning in life.

But I don't know what's worse to tell you the truth: having the drive and ambition to go above and beyond but getting smacked over the head time and time again or not to have any ambition at all.

I wonder how I came to be in this predicament and part of me realizes that I was just too scared to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone, I have learned, is finding the most icky way of doing things and do it. I could've gone to a place where I could be out and about but I didn't because I have some type of superhero complex that makes me find the hardest place to exist and try to change it.

When will I learn that the world does not exist for me to try to make it a better place and instead, I should just make my own little caternest and deal with thing inside it and not worry about how others are coming along.

Of course this is a recurrent theme in all my posts and all my blogs and all my thoughts and all my dreams because I can't seem to let go of the fact that I can't be all things to all people.Just last night, I had my good friends here basically tell me that my gloom doom attitude towards life and cut and dried approach to everything is a personality flaw. And you know what? They're exactly right! Too bad it doesn't make me feel any more in control of things or give me optimism about the future; ha ha ha...instead it does go to show me that I'm not as great as I thought I was...which can be a good thing, right?

So, I sit here and type, knowing that I'm incredibly behind on EVERY project that I've put on my plate. Knowing that I"m just as poor and a shitty controller of my finances as ever. Thinking that I couldn't be any less attractive to a man (thanks Christopher T.) Convinced that I'm just as flighty as the next airhead (seriously, who learns to tumble at age 27? Or builds a deck and pergola out of the blue when you can't afford it?)

And I finally broke down and yelled at a nurse yesterday which is soooo not me but I felt completely justified in doing so and til this moment, continue to think "she deserved it." What have I become?

Not a proud and out gay man cuz I even balked at the idea that yeah, I could sing with AN at the Lexington Pride Festival...instead I fell back into my old groove of fearfulness and shame. And that's NOT where I wanna be :(And I'm glad that MH subscription is expiring because it's proven to me that online "love" is just as bad as online "hookups" and I should spend more time and energy in the real world, getting to know people as people and not via online pictures which leads to its own issues. I don't know where "Mr. Right" is but I know now that he's not on an online site such as the ones I frequented. But with that said, checking in every now and again to see what's cooking is not a bad idea, especially when the longing builds up so deep in my heart that I can hardly stand it.

And I must get back to online journaling because I do feel so much better getting my thoughts out on "paper" instead of just keeping them bottle up only to put me at risk of a major mental meltdown one of these days.

And I continue to feel that I'm missing something by staying around Ky. Granted, I've made lifelong friends but I keep getting this nagging feeling of "what am I missing?" What have I done to myself by placing myself in a situation where I am more prone to be unhappy? It's troubling because then I also start thinking that I can't free myself from the sitation which is unfortunate and quite unnerving to me because I've always found solace in the fact that I can say, "fuck you guys, I'm moving on." The tears are dried (a little more)...I feel better...

Gay: Dating...Redux...

I don't know why but it feels like all I do now is talk and think about how much my life sucks without a significant other in it. I moan and groan about how inferior I feel or how I'm not cute enough to pull a guy when I know in my heart of hearts that I'm a great catch!

But is that true if you've been unable to catch or keep a man?

So I struggle with this and my self esteem takes a plummet. All the while, I make a great friend, to the point that others seek me out to ensure their own happiness. Not that I'm complaining; no, I love my friends and I have really really good ones. But I'm having a crisis of faiths no nobodys' business....The latest guy is a frickin' God. He's tallish, well built, educated, creative, musical, great teeth, amazing eyes, fantastic laugh, and overall good guy. I had the wonderful opportunity of spending hours in his presence. Granted, I met him on the MeatMarket website under more sexual pretenses but he seems to be okay with that. In fact, he still wants to be around me...but I dont' know if he's attracted to me or not. Honestly, I'm not getting the impression that he is...But yet I pursue him and faun over him and worry about him and what he thinks of me. Ain't that crazy? I've never been of that ilk except for when I'm ga-ga over some stupid guy who doesn't reciprocate like I think he should. Lol, the number of fellas I have fauning over me is slim but present, yet I don't like any of them. It's a tough call indeed.

So now I'm trying to figure out if I should move on or wait and most of me is saying "keep one finger in this pot" and also see what else is cooking on the stove. We'll see what happens...

Gay: My Man...

I wrote out this list in preparation (hopefully) for what is to come. These are my criteria for a good man...who knows if this'll reach fruition but it's good to dream in the meantime, right?

3 Qualities I want in a man:

1. Sense of Humor
2. Kindness
3. Humility

3 Good Qualities about me:

1. Caring
2. Funny
3. Empathetic

Why Should I Date:To share my amazing life with someone else

Things I will do to facilitate finding the right guy:
· I will relax
· I will relax
· I will relax
· I will let good men come to me
· I will ensure that I get out of the house as much as possible
· I will use those friends that I surround myself with as a sounding board

Also;
· Identify your area of interest
· communicate your desires
· Be a team player
· Network
· Seek out a mentor
· Develop additional skills
· Don't let money motivate you
· Ask for feedback

Gay: Sowing of Seed...

After the breakup with MiketheNurse, I'm kinda going off the deep end :) He hurt me more than I realized and instead of doing something healthy, like changing my diet or exercising more, I'm instead meeting random people and doing the do.

Rest assured, it's all safe; I don't play like that. But that's not to say that I haven't double the number of encounters of the last month compared to the lifetime I've had thus far. Some say "manwhore" others opportunist. :)

I'm not looking for anything long term. In fact, I'm trying my best to shy away from long term for now because the latest relationship turned out so poorly. I figure now is a great time to "live it up" and play the field. The best that comes of it includes figuring out what I truly want in a man and a relationship. Lol, there has to be something said for dating Mr. Wrong.

In other news, I'm my 4th week in the PICU with one last week to go. I'm amazed that I've made it this far; I can't wait to see what harrowing tale lies in store for me tomorrow :( I hate coming to work and finding a slew of new patients to learn and get situated in such a small amount of time....

Me: Finally! Cat’s Out of the Bag...

After at least 22 years in the making, all the major players in my family know that I'm gay.

Yup, I just told Daddy and my stepmom over the Christmas break and it feels like the entire world has been lifted from my shoulders. I appreciate all my friends who have become something of my extended family and have helped me throughout the years.

Granted, this subject and this blog will be explained in excruciating detail over the coming weeks and months because of course there's a story to every tale of danger and intrigue. :) For now, just know that I had to intentionally leave some of my very best friends in the dark for various reasons; some selfish, some for self-preservation (read as "selfish".)

That leaves two brothers to find out, but I won't have to tell 'em cuz I know everybody and their momma will do it for me. Lol.

I wish I could introduce some handsome man to be the impetus for this announcement or to have acted as my rock through the years, but nope, I did this for me and there is no lucky guy. But I'm lookin'! :)

I'm supposed to be up in 4.5 hours to start a stint in the PICU, but I'll leave you with just a morsel of the stories to tell:

When I was coming out to my sister:
Sister: "so you like BOYS?"
Me: "technically no, I like men?"
Sister: "so you sleep with boys?"
Me: "again, no...men."
Hahahahaha...yeah, it wasn't funny at the time, but in retrospect, pure classic. :)

Gay: Old Year, New Year...

I just looked at Michael's picture and broke into tears...gosh, I've never been this caught up in ANYONE. Yeah, when Reedo didn't reciprocate, it sucked but I didn't cry. And Abe and Mitch didn't result in crocodile tears. But with this guy, he did a number on me. I've never let myself fall for anyone; in fact, there was a time when I let myself think that we'd be working to build a future together, looking at houses and thinking for two. The ability to come home to a home cooked dinner. To share with him the goings on of the day. To sleep beside him in bed while he was recovering from an exhausting day.

I miss him so much. And all I want to do is be angry and hurt him like he hurt me. But I know it won't mean a thing in the end and I should really work to move. God this is hard. I'd even invisioned him meeting the parents...this sucks soooo much.

I will move on. There will be a tomorrow. But I have to admit, I don't konw how to....only time will tell.

As for the new year: it has to be better than 2007. Someday I may sit down and try to type out a "year in review" but for now, I'm completely unmotivated. :(

Heaven help us all...