Gay: Alone Again...

So I broke up with Jessie'sGirl. He was a nice guy but I'm just not ready to date. I was actively trying to put myself back together, get in better shape, start looking for other things to hold and keep my attention when he ran across my path. I actually feel bad that I allowed us to get as far as we did, even though in the grand scheme of things, it was only two weeks.

He seemed to take things okay, though you never really know how much damage you do to a person when you abruptly step out of one's life like I just did. It wasn't so much a "me trying not to hurt him" thing, but instead, more of me knowing more about myself and knowing that sooner or later, I'd find some stupid reason to break up with him.

I often wonder if indeed I am destined to be alone; only time will tell I guess. If I'm 40 and still writing these words, then we'll have our answer.

Until then, I shall spend time doing those things that make me like myself and hope for a better day. For instance, that means me spending more time working on the novel, studying for boards (both peds and psych which I will now take) and simply improving myself. Let's see what happens!!!!

Me: Correspondence...

Email is awesome but I've rediscovered the simple joy of letter writing and receiving handwritten letters from folks.

I've also found that I'm a less negative person when I am paying other people compliments...

So in an effort to spread a little positivity around this horribly rude and isolating landscape that is the American social structure nowadays, I've taken to writing letters of thanks to those people, groups, institutions, and businesses that are making a positive contribution (in my opinion) to my life and those I care about.

I was first inspired to do this when I heard the news about the cancellation of "Pushing Daisies" a television show that I've come to love over the last two seasons. But like lots of things in my life, it was not permanent, so I wrote ABC to let them know of my love and how much the show meant to me.

Granted, I should not be watching more television that I already am (and Netflix is like DVD crack!) but I couldn't stand idly by and watch a quality show get nixed without me saying something. It's akin to when I stood by and watched Tamyra Gray get voted off American Idol. Or everytime I hear someone diss gay people because they don't know I'm one.

So far, I've only sent letters to a few folks, namely ABC in regards to Pushing Daisies and my Daddy (it's kinda fun!). But I also sent one to the Renfro Sausage people back in L-town for making such a world renowned product.

I've sent two emails (after finding an auto fill form on their websites) to New York Governor David Paterson and Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, the former who actively fights for gay rights, the latter who has a lesbian daughter.

Today, I'm writing to a few folks I found in the Advocate, namely E. Denise Simmons who is the nation's first openly lesbian black mayor in Cambridge Mass and Jason Barlett, the first openly gay Black state legislator in the nation.

Because my mantra is "treat others as you want to be treated," I would hope that people who found inspiration in me would do the same. Not for the ego boost; but instead, to feel less alone and less unique in this world.

Lol, because I have to "gay it up" sometimes, I thought about getting my own stationary and everything, but that defeats the point of simplicity, modesty, and truth. I'm not looking to run for office or garner fancy. Instead, I hope this acts as a "pay it forward" type activity that I can share with my friends and family.

Let's see what happens...

Me: The New Guy

So I went on an impromptu "date" of sorts yesterday and he was a nice guy. Over the phone he sounded okay and I was thinking that it might work...

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

He contacted me on Match.com; I'm not quite sure why or what about my profile attracted him. But he winked. So I winked back. Then he sent me an email and I responded in kind. Then we talked over the phone the weekend of 12/13 and 12/14.

While I was shopping in Meijers (and being the impatient tool that I can be sometimes) I just went ahead and moved up our initial meeting from Tuesday to that very Sunday night.

I met him at Starbucks (he's a coffee drinker, I don't mind the stuff) and we had a very pleasant conversation, laughing spontaneously and making great eye contact. Lol, let me admit now that I could see a little of his nervousness in that when he would look at me when he wasn't talking, I almost had the smallest imperceptible feeling that he thought I would say "oh well, we tried. See ya!"

And his eyes are gorgeous. He's going bald a little bit on top (it's kinda cute actually) but he's such a normal guy. He has interests very varied from mine and isn't the "guy" that I would create for myself. But I like him just the same.

With him, I shall purposely slow things down...and yet doing this feels right. With Mike and many of the others, I always felt the need to rush around. With Jess, that's not the case (yet.) And I aim to keep it that way.

Anywhoo, we have our first official "date" Tuesday night at Alfalfa's so wish me luck. The roads my be shitty so we may have to change things up a bit, but again, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

And he smelled divine. He wore something called "L'Occitane" and it's definitely one that I will allow him to wear (and not buy for myself) until either we're living happily ever after or we break up. Lol. In the meantime, I'll stick with my Burberry Touch which is dreamy in itself. Mmmmm...

Here's to great stories ahead...

Professional: They have no clue...

Professionalism is a reallllly big deal to me.

That's one of the reasons I get so angry and adamant when some of the people I work with and work for throw around the term so loosely. They seem to think that a professional environment entitles those in charge to basically do whatever the hell they want to amongst the commonfolk and any rebuttal must go through some horribly inefficient change of command.

I disagree and I think a pleasant and well thought out "excuse me, I don't believe so" works just as well.

Currently, I'm fighting an unspoken battle against research scutwork that could end my career before I even begin it. I speak up and, of course, am told that I should "just do it." Now, people who know me know that I don't "just do" anything without thinking it through. And in this case, I'm not a fan of what's going on and no amount of coddling me is going to change that.

Anywhoo, I can't wait until someone tries to give me a lecture on professionalism so I can "professionally" put them in their place...ahhh, good times. I probably should've put this one under the "angry black man" subject tab, but it's too late now :)

Black Gay: Be the best me...

So I bought a book a loooong time ago that was geared towards young black men who were struggling to deal with their race and homosexuality. It basically sat on my shelves for months until I just happened across it last night.

What ensued was a consuming of what the author (Jonathan Jones) had to say about growing up black and gay from his perspective. I'm also reading a book that was written by a professor at Emory (whose name escapes me right now.) One of the great things that the Jones guy had to say was that we should spend less time worrying about when our next relationship is coming and more about how we can be the best person we can be which will in turn be more attractive to that special someone when he comes into our lives.

And I couldn't agree more.

Granted, me surfing match.com and the MeatMarket ain't helping things so I'm glad that both subscriptions will be lapsing, so that I no longer have the temptation to spend a well deserved hour on those sites.

And it's helped compel me to restart working out (at home using my Biggest Loser DVDs) as well as get my lazy ass back over and start playing volleyball again.

It's been a whole friggin' year...I probably won't even recognize anyone anymore....

But it's all about reestablishing what's important to me and right now, it's not being a lazy depressed bum...

Me: New Man Scent...

I bought it.

Burberry Touch.

And it's breathtaking.

Anytime I can buy a cologne and Daddy's blown away by it, it's a good thing. Lol, it was so cute to see him get all excited and write down the name so that he could go pick it up the next time he's in the mall.

It's so unique that I've never smelled anything quite like it before. But there is almost a subtle undertone of baby powder for some reason. Yeah, I know it's strange, but it's there to my mildly anosmic nose.

I haven't gotten any compliments on it yet but that's fine by me because I like it and it's intoxicating to smell myself with it on. Wow, that sounds gross but it does really smell wonderful. That brings my Man Scent collection up to about 13 or so...

Black: New Beyonce...

So Beyonce has a new album out where she divides up her tracks according to her softer more vulnreable side (Beyonce) and her stage persona who's fiery and urban (Sasha Fierce). I like both CDs with Sasha's taking a lead because of a song called "Ego."

In fact, I think it'll become the "Irreplaceable" of the season because it's message is just so strong and Beyonce does a great job with it. Don't get me wrong; "Just a Boy" and "Single Ladies" are awesome too, but the former won't catch on like Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and the latter of her two sounds alot like "Crazy in Love."

"Ego"s never been done before and I hear that there's already a remix that involves Kanye, so we could be look at award contention if they play their cards right.

For me, I listened to it at least 20 times because it kept me up on the road while I danced around being a big old flamboyant queen so that no one could see me :) Ah, the things you do to keep yourself awake...

Professional: Al Franken's awesome!!!

While driving home to Texas, I had the distinct privilege of listening to a book on CD entitled "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them" written by Al Franken.

Let's just say I thought the book was so funny and well written and eye opening that I listened to it TWICE!

He did a superb job of point-counterpoint throughout the book, taking great pains to discredit alot of the myths that I had come to hold as truth simply because I was told that they were true. Like the idea of the "liberal media." That term has been thrown around for years and only now I'm I realizing that it's simply a ploy by folks with a louder voice to influence and taint our basic sensibilities.

It's very evident in the fact that there's a whole channel devoted to right wing aggressive viewpoints: Fox News Channel. Yet there's no direct liberal correlation...in fact, the conservatives use their own invention to say "hey, look, everyone else has to be liberal because we are only one channel and that's the only place conservatives can be." Yeah, fucked up thinking but it works cuz people are buying it hook, line, and sinker.

And apparently, Ann Coulter is awful. And judging by the things that she apparently writes in her book, you're damn straight she is.

Anyway, I wish more people would listen and or buy his book because I think it's worth reading or at least thinking about. S'funny though; if I proposed that to some of my friends or to other folks, they'd think I was simply trying to brainwash them into becoming liberal, something that I don't always agree with.

Ah, the shitty yucky side of politics...

Black: Another Thanksgiving...

So this year I decided to drive home for Thanksgiving and that's a drive I'm glad I won't have to make for a whole nother year. Shitfire!

The worst part of the drive has to be going from Memphis to Nashville...it's 180 miles of "ugh, just get there already" made worse by the fact that the mileage signs count down in miniscule increments. And the landscape looks the exact same again and again. Just when you think a big bustling city will just jump out atcha, it's a ruse, and you're going over another hill or around another corner.

Once I got there, it reminded me of why I'm proud to be black and I'm proud to come from such humble beginnings and that I'm proud to have made it out and as far as I have. That's one thing these folks up here don't understand about me: I have quite a complicated and rustic background, filled with lies and distrust and mental fatigue and downtrodden-ness. Nah, not looking for sympathy, but I do want people to know that I refuse to be treated like shit when I know better and I have a well carved outlook for my life that doesn't include bullshit that others would otherwise thrust upon me.

The food was divine and despite me having a vicious case of the runs, I ate like a fiend. And of course I packed some of it up and brought it back with me, so that I may enjoy it while I lounge in my own area.

Momma was in typical form, making her passive aggressive comments about how her kids hate her, etc, etc. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, we know we're horrible kids for making something of ourselves while manuevering every obstacle that seemed to capsize even the most priviledged of our friends and neighbors. Yeah, we suck for trying to make our own lives and not revel in a past that left us often hungry and without one utility or another. Yeah, we know.

I feel for her and wish that she could "get over" whatever the hell she's going through. But no one can initiate and work her through that except for her. I know she'd be a helluva therapy patient that's why I don't even bother. But it's getting to the point where even good food ain't worth all that drama. :(