Gay: Being Online...

So things in the gay community are shallow at least and downright rude and inappropriate at it's best...or maybe I have those backwards. :)

In either case, I am always shocked at how we treat one another, especially if we deem that others are "less worthy." The chat rooms are full of two types of people: one looking for sincere love or a hookup or those looking to play games with the minds of others, getting them all riled up then shutting them down, either by not responding or pulling away at the last minute.Tres trifling.

I'm almost impressed that people will go that far for a charade; again, indicative of just how immature and shallow some people are. And it sucks really badly for those who genuinely care (like myself) because you start to second guess yourself and feel bad: all because some anonymous asshole has nothing better to do.

Luckily, I'm young enough to know that I have collateral for a down payment yet old enough to take some things seriously so as not to treat others like shit.It's been a telling couple of days; this experiment has taught me a lot...

Gay: Puddle of Mudd...

This one and only post will serve as my "hate him" post and I hope to never speak about him again outside of this entry.

He left me. He decided not to pursue a future with me. He wanted to be friends.I don't want to be friends with him and I have no intention of giving him any inclination that he has an impact in or on my life.

When I knocked on his door to give his garage door opener back, he opened the door and jokingly stated, "don't knock on the door the next time you come over cuz it scares me."I fake "harumph"ed and went in after being invited.

He went downstairs to get the movies as he thought I would use the garage as my point of contact. When he came up, he handed me the movies and some booklets from his Blackberry Curve I returned.I said, "thanks alot. See you on Saturday more than likely cuz I'll be there all day." He echoed similar sentiments. I turned towards the door to leave. He said, "see you later babe" and I said nothing.

Overall, it went well. But he fucking sucks for making me feel this way and I hate him for it...at least for the time being. He should've never let on that he wanted more; the house shopping, the cooking, the dates, the calls, the texts, blah blah blah. All, apparently, a big ole goddamned waste of my motherfuckin' time.

Whew, I feel better already. Sometimes I find my thoughts wandering to him but I know in time, this will fade, just like it did for Reedo.

In the meantime, I get to see this guy while I'm at work. I'm hoping he gets it; I hope he understands that no, I don't have any intention on being his "friend" and that no, unless I have to talk to him in regards of patient care, I have no intention of speaking to him. I only wish he could know how irritated I feel right now...and it's not the blatant irritation like I feel for Campbellsoup. Nah, she's the devil. For him, it's a gutteral "ungh" that I can't delineate in words.

I'm so glad his hallway and house were fairly dim so that I didn't have to look in his eyes. They kinda briefly met for a second but I couldn't completely make them out.

I'm sure he realizes I won't be at his party during New Years and I'm interested to know what his "friends" think about all this...Okay, I'm done for now; I changed my mind...I can't promise this won't pop up again some other time...

Gay: I'm not that good...

So Michael just broke up with me...and I'm feeling a flurry of emotions.

Mainly pity.

I've gained self confidence while in this relationship with him. And I learned alot about myself. Firstly, I can no longer date over the internet; physical attraction is just too important a step to skip over. Secondly, I will follow my gut. I have tried not to place too many "rules" on things, but I knew dating a nurse would be an awful idea. And now I know why. Leslie may be eccentric but homegirl knows what she's talking about most times. She stated, "don't shit where you eat, don't eat where you shit." I did that and now look at me. :)

I don't worry about fallout from his nurse colleagues; if they're truly worth their weight in salt, then they'll do what they're supposed to do when I'm around. Gossip is there perogative but has no place near me; I don't anticipate this being a problem.

But I do pity him. Stuck with baggage he hasn't dealt with in a year and a half. And his expectations for now: for us to be friends.

I finally understand why Abe severed all ties with me; because it's impossible not to feel something when you talk to them. So I have no intentions on being "friends" with him. No, I have not yet told him this and I have no plan to do so. My actions will speak louder than my words anyway, so he shall see my disposition. Again, I will be professional and courteous but I no longer owe him an audience.

So he will be treated as I treat the rest of his colleagues: with professional indifference.But again, valuable lessons abound from times like this. For instance, I know that I can now fall for all kinds of people of different shapes and sizes. And I know that the nursing field is off-limits. And I know that my gut feeling should have a say in the beginning throes of a relationship. And I know that I'm worth more than being secondary to fickle friends.

So I shall take a deep breath *inhale, exhale* and set my sights to the future. To less fucking up and more mindfulness...

Me: Friends...

With all my bitchin' and moanin', I don't stop often enough to recognize those people around me who have shaped me into who I am today.

I have been truly blessed to have crossed paths with so many amazing people. In each one's own right, they are microcosms of goodness and warmth of the fortitude I strive to have.

And these great friends transcend my life's divisions, meaning no matter where I go and how I define myself (college, doctor, photo lab tech, etc) they are ever present, and we feed off one another to the point where talking to them feels like a family reunion revisited over and over.
Good friends are few and far between yet the powers-that-be have given me more than just a handful, sprinkled across the country, always ready with a side splitting story, and non-judgmental ear that listens.

To you all, gods and goddesses in your own right, I say thank you!

Gay: Over so soon...?

So I've been in a relationship for the last 2 months and things were going okay until recently...And the story goes as such:Mike has been working lots of hours even though he doesn't have to. Being his choice, he decided to keep working those strenous shifts which is all good with me. Whatever you want to do is fine. The Thursday night before his birthday, his "friends" a.k.a. co-workers screwed him over and he ended up having to finish off his shift instead of going home early which is what he wanted to do because they were overstaffed. I can safely say that any one of my friends would've stayed to let me leave if they realized that it was my birthday that I would be working on.

So this pissed him off and put him in a bad mood, so much so that he did not wish to spend any time with them at the Christmas party. Again, it was fine with me cuz they're his friends after all. I don't believe in smothering people or obligating them to me, so I let him do his own thing for most of the day on his birthday, but then I called to see if he was interested in hanging out since he wasn't going to the Christmas party. He obliged me (rather begrudgingly I now notice) and we went to a dinner and a movie.

Upon returning to my place afterwards, we have a pretty serious talk wherein he tells me that he has lots of baggage (who doesn't) and that he wants to slow things down and not go in together on family plan. This again works for me (so that I don't have to switch my number) so I say, great, no biggie. He also wants to "slow down the relationship." I ask if this means we're breaking up (which is okay with me as well so that we don't draw it out) and he says no. He says he's just really tired and that he wants to sleep because he hasn't done so for many many days.

Because this is something I can COMPLETELY relate to, I say, "can do!" and usher him home so that he can soak up as much rest as possible. That was Friday night.

All day Saturday, I find myself involved in my own machinations, trying to get things done and in order. I did not hear from him all day, which was COMPLETELY fine as I can understand that "me-time" does not include anyone else.

Then comes Sunday; I spend most of it doing what I do best which is procrastinate, but I think about Mike and wonder, "I hope he's okay." I send him a text with the same sentiment in addition to a "are you alive?" I included an LOL because it was comical when I first thought about it. He texts back that he's okay and is doing housework much like my own. Notice, there was no phone call...I take a shower in preparation for the party and decide before I leave to give him a call since he hadn't called me yet. He states that he tried to call me about 15 minutes before I did, and I apologize because I still haven't figured out all the nuances of my phone yet.

Energized that my man may have now returned back to normal, I ask him how his gloriously peaceful Saturday was (because remember, he wanted to nap.) He proceeds to tell me that he spent most of the day in bed with his dog (aw, ain't that sweet) then he got up and him and some of his work friends went out to the local gay club (actually 2 different ones) to see the drag show and went out to eat then he returns home.And my jaw is on the floor the entire time.

I say "oh, that's cool. I'm glad that things are better for you." Then I quickly segueway into something that will get me off the phone because my mind is now reeling. I hang up and there's deep sadness followed by rage then disappointment then frustration then more anger. I consult the Times, Harriwhen, and PDaug.

Everything in my body wants to say "sayonara!" But am I giving up too soon? Am I reading too much into this?

And then I start thinking about all the warning signs that we shouldn't be together, namely he is a nurse and contrary to what I was thinking, this was BOUND to bite me in the ass. And you can judge a person by the company they keep and...well...'nuff said in this case. Just call this whole situation Degrassi High and I'm the college boyfriend. How did I ever get into this mess?

And if we break up, I have to play my cards just right so that I don't become the asshole of the ER...not that it matters because, as I've said a gabillion times, I go down there to do my job, not make friends or socialize. And trust me, whether or not I'm his boyfriend, I will get the respect I deserve or heads will roll.

And now I'm back to angry black man...damn, it comes full circle so fast! :)

Gay: Relationships...

So Michael and I have been dating for two months...Who is Michael???

Well, he's a 5'7" quick witted ER nurse whom I befriended while on night float in October. I remember seeing him the the ED and thinking "oh, he seems like a nice gay guy" and moving on to the next task. I do not like being in the ED and I make a point of ignoring anything but my exact job at the time so as not to draw any undo attention to myself.

In any case, a mutual friend of ours arranged for us to go out to eat breakfast and since nothing horrible happened during that encounter, we decided to keep in touch.7 weeks later, things have been going well for the most part. I love him. He loves me.

But the fatal flaw of life rears it's ugly head. The very mechanisms that we have both used all our lives (he's 28) to keep us safe and sane is biting us in the ass. He's very independent and has been so for years now. He got out of an awful relationship that left some very deep emotional scars. The combination of baggage and their countermeasures has resulted in us taking the relationship even slower, which is just fine with me.

We were on the verge of our first collaboration: family plan cell phones. But this was not to occur. The first thought in my head was one of rejection and hurt because it seemed like things were working out perfectly. But then I remembered that NOTHING in my life ever works out as planned so I should really just go with the flow on this one and let things happen as they should. Pressing and trying to make him into something that he (or I) am not will only lead to heartache and pain.

So I'll lick my wounds, take a walk around the block, and come back as the supportive wonderful boyfriend that I know I can be.

I'll never forget the look on his face last night...he was so vulnerable. I told him that if he didn't want to be in the relationship, that he should simply let me know and we could end on amenable terms...he said no and I believe him. One thing though: this relationship has taught me that I will not go searching for love on the internet again and that me being myself is always the best policy. Someone will love me eventually...

Gay: 4 Months of Life Worth Living

It's been a really really long time since I've blogged and I won't even pretend to try to catch up on everything. Some of my posts are on my myspace page since those thoughts were public and were made to be seen.

As this is my private haven to shoot my mouth off, I have been less likely to blog and more likely to internalize. Unfortunately, I've been holding all this heinous poisonous stuff in and it's slowly killing me. I can feel this black negativity within me just trying to bubble out to the surface.

But in all this black dreariness, there is a glimmer of hope. I have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend. Currently, a very stressed out boyfriend that's doing much of the same thing as me: internalizing his frustrations with the world. So when all is said and done, we're both stressed out successful and highly driven men who are torn between creating our lives and living them separately.

Right now, I simply feel completely overwhelmed and I'm not sure what I can do about it (if anything.) And I don't feel like I have a way out....suffocated is a very good word for what I'm going through right now...and I'm flummoxed at how best to proceed.I don't know if it's because I've been around suicidal patients all the damn time or what, but I find myself thinking about it more and more. And I can see why people sometimes choose to do the things that they do.

Nah, I'm not saying I'm gonna off myself anytime soon...but I can see why.I get so angry with myself sometimes...then I get angry at beating myself up...then I get angry cuz I want to do something about it then angry that I don't. It's a bad spiral.

We did learn something interesting today though: mindfulness. I think I shall try this because i need to find some calm somewhere.