It's been a really really long time since I've blogged and I won't even pretend to try to catch up on everything. Some of my posts are on my myspace page since those thoughts were public and were made to be seen.
As this is my private haven to shoot my mouth off, I have been less likely to blog and more likely to internalize. Unfortunately, I've been holding all this heinous poisonous stuff in and it's slowly killing me. I can feel this black negativity within me just trying to bubble out to the surface.
But in all this black dreariness, there is a glimmer of hope. I have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend. Currently, a very stressed out boyfriend that's doing much of the same thing as me: internalizing his frustrations with the world. So when all is said and done, we're both stressed out successful and highly driven men who are torn between creating our lives and living them separately.
Right now, I simply feel completely overwhelmed and I'm not sure what I can do about it (if anything.) And I don't feel like I have a way out....suffocated is a very good word for what I'm going through right now...and I'm flummoxed at how best to proceed.I don't know if it's because I've been around suicidal patients all the damn time or what, but I find myself thinking about it more and more. And I can see why people sometimes choose to do the things that they do.
Nah, I'm not saying I'm gonna off myself anytime soon...but I can see why.I get so angry with myself sometimes...then I get angry at beating myself up...then I get angry cuz I want to do something about it then angry that I don't. It's a bad spiral.
We did learn something interesting today though: mindfulness. I think I shall try this because i need to find some calm somewhere.
“I’m the one asking you the questions, Lorna.”
2 years ago
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