Music: Beyonce 4

So my favorite artist is coming out with another CD on June 28. Hooray!!!! I plan to see her in concert at some point in my life. :) It's just a matter of getting the finances together and keeping abreast of where she is so that I can jump on a good seat.

As luck would have it, she's actually going to have a concert a couple of hours away from Edinburgh. Ain't that something?

Fate works for good and for ill...actually, it just does it's thing and we react in our egocentric ways. I'm just glad I'm blessed to get another CD from such an amazing woman. :)

Me: Pathetic?

I'm drunk.

I miss Luke.

There are at least 2 men who are infatuated with me. Maybe more.

And all I can think of is the man who has rejected me.

Pathetic.

Yup.

And I'm at a loss as to what to do.

The correct answer is: "move on. He said he doesn't want to be with you. What other proof do you need."

Yet I can't walk away. What's wrong with me? Even if he did "come back" it wouldn't be an even playing field and would only end in tears for me, right?

The correct answer is, "yup, that's right." There's only re-heartbreak in the cards for me. So I might as well quit. So I quit...what's next?

Me: Patience...more patience...

As I sit and listen to the Gymnopedie No. 1 by Satie, I type out a reminder. That I am alive. I am surviving.

Though tears stream down my face because I miss Luke, I know that things will get better.

Patience is a virtue I've never really had. But I wait. I wait with a glimmer of hope that someday, I will truly smile again; and mean it.

This song is so soothing and empathic and just the alternating chords of the opening measures just allow me to senter myself on what brings me joy and contentment. And for now, those are thoughts of my fiance. Ex-fiance, but a man whom I love nonetheless.

I love being in love...I felt whole and unique and free. And while that feeling is likely a ways from me right now, (as I love the boyfriend within), I know what it means to love and let go of all boundaries of one's heart. Exhilarating and simple.

And now the clarinet concerto by Finzi plays and I cry more; the tones sore and my heart aches and it's wonderful. Exquisite pain for the love I was not able to share with the man I love.

I have an amazing life. To have survived this heartache yet still have the ability to ache (and the consciousness not to self destruct or implode) is a blessing. I am blessed.

Gay: Celibacy...

Today is the first day...let's see how long it lasts. :)

I got tested this past week; it's been something I've put off for almost 9 months after the breakup. There is no particular reason for me waiting; I just didn't feel up to it and when I did, I would get distracted and not schedule a time to go in.

As luck would have it, though, over the last week, I developed a fever due to another damn ear infection. Since I was going in to see the doctor anyway, I went ahead and got my labwork done. Let's just say that even though I didn't have need to worry, I did anyway...after all, what if I missed something? What if someone had lied to me? What if a tiny piece of virus has evaded my immune system?

Well, there's nothing like the thought of recurrent infections, taking lots of pills, and feeling like shit to kill one's libido. So now, I sit here, 8 days without sex with another human being. I plan to allow this to play itself out.

Having sex with people you're not in a relationship with is such a warped trap. It feels good for that moment, but in the end, you feel cheap and worthless. I don't like that feeling. Nor do I like the feeling of being online, being judged by typing 5 words to an anonymous stranger whom I've taken a liking to from scantily clad pictures.

It's enough. That's enough.

I know better. Now it's time for me to do better.

Besides, reacclimating myself to my own body and what I like and dislike is important. I've been someone else's sexual doormat for far too long, it feels.

Let's see how it goes...

Me: Every day...

Slowly, very slowly, things are getting better.

Each day, I reconnect with my emotions.

Each day, I give thanks to Fate, the fickle bitch that caused me much pain, for opening my eyes.

She has helped me realize the flaws in my relationship.

She has helped me remember how to love, how to laugh.

She has given me back a semblance of control over my desires, my fantasies.

And she's helped me learn that I have hardly any control of factors outside of my decisions. Lol, even what my body does is not within my control.

And I am going to take this chance to live it up.