Me: Patience...more patience...

As I sit and listen to the Gymnopedie No. 1 by Satie, I type out a reminder. That I am alive. I am surviving.

Though tears stream down my face because I miss Luke, I know that things will get better.

Patience is a virtue I've never really had. But I wait. I wait with a glimmer of hope that someday, I will truly smile again; and mean it.

This song is so soothing and empathic and just the alternating chords of the opening measures just allow me to senter myself on what brings me joy and contentment. And for now, those are thoughts of my fiance. Ex-fiance, but a man whom I love nonetheless.

I love being in love...I felt whole and unique and free. And while that feeling is likely a ways from me right now, (as I love the boyfriend within), I know what it means to love and let go of all boundaries of one's heart. Exhilarating and simple.

And now the clarinet concerto by Finzi plays and I cry more; the tones sore and my heart aches and it's wonderful. Exquisite pain for the love I was not able to share with the man I love.

I have an amazing life. To have survived this heartache yet still have the ability to ache (and the consciousness not to self destruct or implode) is a blessing. I am blessed.