Me: More Shootings...

So in February there was a school shooting on an Arkansas campus.

Then this past weekend there was another school shooting on a campus in Conway Arkansas.

Then an 8 year old in Westfield Massachusetts accidentally shoots himself in the head at a gun fair.

Then in Darlington, SC, a 14 y/o boy killed his pregnant Mother.

Now why the FUCK don't we have gun control?

Some may say that yes, we do have laws about gun control.

Au contraire mon frere.

Let's get rid of the damn things all together. I have said since I was blue in the face that guns really have no role in society. We don't hunt our meat (as much as we used to) and they are simply a cowards way of taking out immature defense mechanisms.

How many friggin' people have to die before we get it through out thick skulls? Sheesh!

Professional: Responsibilities...

So I've gotten input from lots of people, both inside and outside psychiatry about our predicament and every person that I talk to gets the same "oogey" feeling inside and state that they too feel uncomfortable about dealing with other's research volunteers.

Looks like once again, I go into the fight all alone with lots of people supporting me but none willing to step up beside me.

Dr. Lean advised me to watch out for "crucifixion complex" wherein I take on the gripes of others then lead the charge only to find that no one is behind me. :(

So I have pretty much decided to go ahead with my plan but I'll keep it quiet as my goal isn't to lead anyone to salvation but to rather keep me from falling into despair.

Gay Professional: Corduroy Blazer...

Yay!!!

I just bought one for all of 25 bucks from Burlington coat factory (they're more than just coats!)

It took me forever to find it. I looked and looked around the men's section to no avail. I finally found them in the "young mens" section. Lol, then I remembered that I'm 28 so I'm straddling the line, I suppose.

I bought a tan colored version, in L size. I'm hoping that with frequent washing and wear, it'll be soft and pliable and fit me better, though the size isn't the issue. I just want it to look natural without crazy creases and whatnot, like my corduroy pants...but that only comes with wear.

The gay man in me is squeeeee!-ing. The professional in me is saying, "good job." Now to find a corduroy coat...

Professional: World War 3...

So I'm about to take on a whole department who wants to make me do high liability scutwork that I don't want to do.

I think I have a pretty solid argument and documentation that backs up my assertion that we are narrowly focusing on "research" within only this one area that is not in fact research as all we are doing are physical exams and signing our names to pieces of paper that have no bearing on our education.

As Jo so eloquently pointed out, the faculty is getting a very skewed view of all this, thinking that residents are just being lazy whiny bums. This is clearly a matter of perspective because if you'll notice, they aren't the one's on call working their asses off.

I take a lot of risks since I'm footing this alone. No husband. No kids. No pets. No responsibilities to anyone but myself. I guess I'm a bit of a maverick in some senses of the word :) Trust me, I would gladly give up the fight for a good man (not really) but it would definitely change things for me. But until then, I will keep fighting for what I believe is right because I'm the only person I have to answer to and look in the eye in the morning.

Professional: Rehashing...

My new supervisor rocks!

No one at work understands why I feel so fervently about not doing some one else's research because it goes above and beyond simple scutwork. It's because I don't trust any of these people to get my back if the going gets tough.

When I explained all the back story to my supervisor, she sat in abject horror. Before I left, she apologized on behalf of everyone in the department for what happened at the rank meeting.

It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me since I've moved up here.

But I don't know how to proceed. I went to the Psych Dept Chair to basically lay out my perspective and feelings for him and it went all kinds of screwy and basically came down to him getting pissed that people aren't doing what he wants them to do and me getting pissed because no one seems to give a shit about how residents feel doing this work.

So it was a stalemate.

But the next move...what to do? Should I submit the letter and go on strike? Should I instead do more reconnaissence? Should I go ahead and call the ombudsman? Should I talk to the Dean?

It's turning out to be more complicated and harder than I imagined but part of that may be because I'm tired of fighting. There's a part of me that wants to be done with the whole sha-bang and just put my nose to the grindstone and become the best child psychiatrist out there without worrying about what the people think of me. This would entaile me retracting myself from everything that I'm currently doing that is affiliated with the university. And this would be passive-aggressive.

My friends say, "choose your battles." I say, the battles are coming to me but I don't know how to choose. Maybe I should just ignore and they'll go away...

Gay: Just Back...

Egomaniacs run rampant...

And they are lousy to mess with.

Yikes.

This doctor had an opulent house, with marble tile and a piano he didn't play an flat screen televisions EVERYWHERE!

Ridiculous.

And of course, he couldn't hold a regular conversation...nope. Instead he only talked abou him and him, and his family, and him.

And he wonders why he doesn't have a boyfriend.

Egad.

Anyway, I'm gonna start trying to write at least an entry every day for the next week and a half...mainly to see if I can commit to something like that. We'll see :)

BTW, I feel dirty. :(

Me: More Reunion Thoughts...

So, no one knew I was gay there. I danced my ass off, hugged lots of old old and dear friends, saw lots of babies, and caught up with all the gossip.

I was asked maybe 5 times if I was married; each time I just said, "nah, no time." And each time those three words sufficed.

Maybe everyone already knew...maybe they read my myspace page. But no one ever questioned further.

The few people I had told or read my myspace page either didn't show up or didn't ask again, though there really wouldn't be any reason for them to.

But boy did the jealousy hit me in the stomach like a sledge hammer cuz there were lots of husbands, wives, and fiances. Lots of kids too but I'm getting ahead of myself. And not only where they there, they were (for the most part) good looking! Gah! :)

A couple of the guys I used to have major crushes on, Philip and Brad, were both there and both as cute as they had always been. And I will always assert that they are fun to look at :)

I danced with Ms. Brown who was kicking ass and cutting a rug like no-body's business. It was AWESOME!

I've seen a couple of pics from the event and it conjurs up this weird surreal weekend that I'm still not even sure happened. I am again, very disappointed that I didn't see Kim but I'm sure she had her reasons for not coming. I won't belabor that point or think ill of her.

It's taken me a while to realize why some folks just didn't want to come. I didn't understand why you wouldn't want to see an old friend or classmate that you once confided in or cared for. For many people, those memories are best left in the past and I respect that now. I don't like it all that much, but I do respect it nonetheless.

Damn, I can't wait until the 15 year reunion...but does that mean I'm living in the past? Let me go and psychanalyze and therapize myself...

Me: High School Reunion...

I will attempt to write as much as I can before I devolve into a snotty nosed yuck face. My allergies are acting up and kicking my ass (as they are prone to do) and instead of just sleeping it off tomorrow, I must get up and try to get ACLS certified without studying.

Go figure.

Anyway, the 10 year class reunion was this past weekend and it was OFF THE CHAIN! My only regret is that I didn't take one picture! Truth to tell, I'm sorta glad I didn't because it gave me time to run around and do my thing. The bad part is I have no physical manifestations to prove it. :(

But it was glorious to see our classmates and most of them were doing well. I'm super proud of 'em and I couldn't stop smiling.

It was also nice to see one of my childhood crushes. Granted he's married and happy and straight, but that doesn't stop me from remembering the good times. Too bad he left before I could tell him that I had a crush on him....hee! That would've been dramatic and fun.

I earned quite a name for myself though. No one expected me to be the dancing king (or queen depending on how you see it) and I busted it out! I even did the superman dance :)

I hope that everyone was inspired enough to come back for a 15 year reunion because I know it'll be fun for everyone. I'm also glad that I hooked up with a classmate in Chicago who might be able to show me around up there when I go. He's a lawyer.

I'll write more later, but needless to say, it was one of the best times I've ever had since leaving the halls of LHS.

Go Panthers!