Me: No more Christmas at home...

At least for a while...

I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home this year. I don't know if I was running from the Luke situation or the cold or my life and denial of what's happening to me. Who really knows.

I spent 1000 bucks that I didn't have to travel down and be with my whole family after a 4.5 year hiatus. And we had a great time. We ate, we talked, we drank, we played games, we slept, we reconciled, we built on the future.

But I've had enough. My Mom is tearing our family apart. And for someone who already hates Christmas and the commerciality and superficiality of it all, I just have no tolerance for bullshit. Especially cold bullshit. So I think next year, if I'm on Christmas, I'm heading south to the Bahamas or some place warm, inclusive, and wonderful.

This does not mean, however, that I won't be without the love of Christmas music. Music seems to be becoming more and more of what I need to heal my broken heart and torn soul. I found this compilation that includes quite possibly, my favorite Christmas song ever. It's called "Baby what You Gonna Be?" by Natalie Sleeth. I sang it in 7th grade and haven't forgotten it since.

It's beautiful when it's done correctly and therein lives it's true beauty because it's one of the hardest songs for a choir to sing and sing well. Trust me, I've lived through it twice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnPxBpYY5z0

Listen, absorb, smile, weep. Life is good...

Me: I puked...

After over 10 fucking years (more likely 15 plus), I puked.

I spewed chili everywhere. And worse; it's gonna freeze. It's gonna fucking freeze in front of my goddamned house.

Ain't that something.

I drank too much.

First time this has ever happened that I puked from it.

I do feel a bit better though I'm still inebriated.

I miss Luke.

I want Luke.

I hate Luke.

All at the same time.

I need sleep. :(

Me: Serious procrastination...

It's kinda getting ridiculous actually.

This breakup and heartbreak have derailed me even more than I imagined. I was already feeling senioritis, nervous about jobs, confused about my future, etc...then this came along and threatened to capsize the whole damn boat.

But yet I'm still here, bobbing along.

I find that now, more than ever before, I am truly living in the moment because I really don't know what the future will hold. In talking to Moe, she made me realize that some of the strongest relationships come after the couple breaks up and they realize they can't live without the other. I don't know if Mr. Baggins would ever come back; it would be inspiring and heartbreaking all at once if he did.

In the meantime, I'm still trying to gather my strength and resolve to get shit done. I'm slowly getting better at it. Lol, as my appetite improves, so does my will. But I've noticed that I often lack a "taste" for things. It's kinda like what you feel like eating...lol, in other words, it's the black folks way of saying they have a food preference.

Since he left, I haven't had a taste. And so I walk around, just skirting from moment to moment, eating for sustenance but not necessarily for pleasure.

It's odd.

I met and went on a date with a nice Indian fella. I'll blog about him later. But needless to say, in the past, I would've jumped on this opportunity to tickle my palate. Yet I'm not jumping. In fact, there are times where I dread it because I don't want to let him down. Fortunately, he seems to be an easy going fella and since he has never dated anyone, this shouldn't be too difficult. :)

I miss JL in a more mature way now. I'm sorta glad that he did this because I wouldn't have normally felt this emotion or this way about him. It gives me hope that if he never comes back, I can live with it. And if he does come back, I could (possibly) live with that too; all depends on where he is with things.

In the meantime, I sing my songs, I cry, I live, I thrive. I smile...life is good.

Me: Fairy Tales...

I just had the craziest thought. What if, in true Hollywood fashion, Luke came home this December for good. He gets home, sees his family, starts crying realizing what he's done and they wisk him onto the next flight to Houston. He rents a car, drives up to Lufkin and surprises the family. I return home from running the streets to find my ex-fiance.

We embrace. We cry. We reconcile.

Awww...ain't it cute.

It won't happen. But it was fun to pretend. Lol, right now, Luke is so far trapped in his own world, he can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) can see where this is going for him. Except, of course, him. Dating young guys is a bad idea. Especially young guys who aren't established when (for all intents and purposes) you are. That just leaves the door completely open for a divergence of opportunities and dreams. It's also a bad idea because young guys like to look elsewhere. Lol, hell, even older single guys like to look elsewhere. I think there's a golden period between 30 and 50 where most gay guys are at the peak; when they won't settle and they're very serious about when they do.

I've found the older guys are just as ingratiating as some of the younger ones because they are constantly trying to mold people into what they want them to be.

In any case, every single day I am learning that I have no control over anything but myself. I dictate my happiness and misery. No one else does.

I still miss Luke something fierce but I have to move on, though I might as well be trying to move a fucking mountain. Love is so splendidly fucked up.

Me: Neverending story...

When I think about my last relationship, I still have mixed emotions...mostly strongly on the "I'm over that" spectrum, but also on the "I miss you" spectrum because of the way it ended, with lies and deceit. I ran across a quote today though that sums up most of why I still cry:

"I cried today...not because I miss you...or even wanted you...but because I realized I'm gonna be alright without you."

Amen!

Or this quote:

"I don't know which I would rather believe: that you never did care or that you eventually stopped."

Or this quote:

"I would have followed him to hell if he asked me to and with all he put me through, maybe I just did."

Or this one:

"Relationships are like glasses. If they break, let them stay broken, you'll only hurt yourself trying to fix it. At least the pieces still remain."

I know that this too will pass; in fact, it's probably time for me to look back through my blog and remind myself that I've been through this before and came out a stronger person.

Me: Late nights are the hardest...

I know that I'm more emotional at night. Maybe that's the time when my defensive synapses start slowing down and shutting off. I can recall many a night where I had heartfelt conversations about crazy things. Where I felt truly in sync with my fellow man when the moon was at it's apex.

So it's really no suprise that I cry more about my last relationship when I'm staying up later than I should. Ultimately, it'd be good to be in bed by 10:30 like I plan. But on weekends and when I'm feeling really saucy, I push the limit.

The result comes in rivers down my face and around the angle of my jaw. It is these times when I miss him the most. Where I feel like a piece of me is missing that I can't replace.

I try and lean into the hurt, to savor the loss because it means I loved so strongly. And for that I am still very proud.

The story is not done; I have lots of life to live (maybe). Feelings are good...right?

Me: Awesome song...

Damn Cee-Lo, you brought it!

:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

The "clean" version just doesn't do it any justice.

Me: The Money issue...

I almost wish money didn't exist.

My latest "conundrum" is a good one. I stand to make a very good salary with this new job. Way above the 6 figures that I thought I'd be making. But I want someone to share it with. In particular, I want to share it with the person with whom I shared my "poor" times. Someone who understands the value of a dollar and spends it wisely. We invest and save appropriately but never allow ourselves to go without.

We care for our kids and their futures as well. We take trips. We enjoy life.

But he's currently in a personal crisis of his own. Which is why he goes out of his way not to talk to me. Lol, it he didn't care about me, he and I could be friends. But I know he feels guilty...hell, I feel guilty and I didn't really do much to mess this relationship up. Yeah, I'm pushy, but what else is new. :)

I'm scared of being out there and making money because I'll never know if I can trust whoever is around...unless they're making as much as I am. But how will I know they're salf of the earth kinda folks that I'd like? I'm thinking if they give to charity and volunteer their time, we're off to a good start. But we'll see.

Oh boo bear, why'd you have to go and have your (appropriately timed) midlife crisis right now? :) Love you and miss you something fierce!

Me: A bit of a conundrum...

So my boo bear is still coming home and at first, I wasn't planning on seeing him. Lol, actually, it's not my decision at all actually. It's his call. But in any case, he comes home on a Thursday and I'm leaving on a Saturday. I just booked my ticket and it dawned on me, it would be really nice for someone to take me to the airport. He, theoretically, would be the perfect choice. My flight leaves at 5:50am which to him would be something like 10 am, so he probably wouldn't be sleeping well anyway.

But all of this means I have to see him. Which, for some reason, I feel more calm about. I was freakin' out there for a while. But since I made that decision, I've grown alot...and suffered alot. And while it might not be a good idea to see him one last time, this may also be the last time I ever see him. Lol, but I'm sooooo nervous. I'm afraid he'll give me that cold detached look that he did over Skype. But I've lived through it once and I think I can do it again.

Besides, it saves me about a hundred bucks! I know, it's a small amount while potentially setting me back months of emotional healing, but it would be a nice reprieve since I'm spending so much money on this friggin' trip.

More'n likely, my Mr. Baggins feels so guilty he won't go for this plan at all. Lol, poor guy. I feel so bad for him. I never thought I would love someone like him...now I can't believe I'm going through this. But things "are what they are"...unless you change it. :)

Me: Tough time...

Nothing's wrong with me.

I need to keep chanting that mantra. I'm a really good guy; I just tend to wear my feelings on my sleeves. I should try and protect my silly heart but that goes against who I am.

I keep trying to tell myself to move on. To stop thinking about him. But in doing so, I (again) go against my nature which causes me to feel more stressed out.

I'm really having a tough time with this. I really am.

The pain will subside at some point. And it dawned on me that I won't be able to date anyone until then. Hell, even having sex is awkward and unfulfilling.

Starting tomorrow, I spend less time on the computer, I work out regularly, I start meditating. I'm trying to force myself to lean into my pain. To truly just let it wash over me while I enjoy the ability to feel and emote.

I know something good will come of all this.

Like I told myself so many years ago while I sat in the tub, scared of my inner attraction to boys:

"It will get better because it HAS to."

Concentrate on improving yourself and everything else will work itself out.
I need to read more.
Spend less time on the internet.
Exercise regularly.
Eat on a schedule.
Study.
Meditate.
Don't feel guilt or regret; love him from afar and take things at face value. No deep thoughts, no collateral.

Me: Airports are not my forte

For some strange reason, coming to the airport brings out the worst in me. Even when the day is overall going smoothly, I just hate being amongst a huge throng of humanity that I don't know. I also think it's because I feel so powerless.
I think it's also think it's because I a inherently opposed to being treated like cattle which is essentially what we are. I don't see how anyone can make this experience more pleasant other than to just make sure you have someone you are consistently travelling with.
Ah well, here's to good travels and a successful interview!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: More music...

I am loving the Pandora station that I've created that plays classical. Some of it is terrif! Some, not so much. But all in all, I've only nixed one song out of dozens.

I wanted to "jot" this one down before I forgot:

Bach: Brandenburg Concertos 1-3, Brandenburg Concerto No.2, in F Major, Mwv 1047: I. Allegro performed by Berlin Chamber Orchestra

Very straightforward chords and strings. :)

Me: From the Crackberry

So this is my first blog from my Blackberry and I must admit, the idea of actually writing things as I think about them is pretty novel...and fun! We'll have to wait and see how much I actually use it though.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by CREDO Mobile. Please excuse typos and brevity.

Me: Time for a Change...

A true change.

So I fell into a rut. A pretty good one, actually. The last 5 years have been amazingly educational. I've truly had some highs and some terrible lows.

And now I'm going to change that. It starts right now.

Luke, thank you for helping me do this.

India.arie and Fantasia, y'all were helpful too.

I will be more responsible. I will be bold and loving. I will love myself first and foremost.

It begins now. I plan to blog more often because this should be fun! :)

Me: Back and better...

Luke and I didn't make it over our first major hurdle. Lol, he hit it and decided to take some time off the racetrack. I wasn't exactly ready to let him, but I realize I had to. :) I commend him for being the stubborn almost overly cold person he was during the breakup. To tell you the truth, he acted more in our best interests than I did. Because I couldn't stand to NOT talk to him.

But I'm giving up on that part. Note, I'm not giving up on loving him...because I can't stop loving him. But I've loved people before and in time, I forget them. I'll remember the faint good things but the romantic feelings will subside. I see that now.

I've learned alot. He taught me that I need to have a husband who knows how to cook and wants me as their sous chef. He introduced me to a wealth of music I would have not been exposed to. He taught me to let my guard down. He helped me reconnect with my ability to cry and to love myself despite (0r because of) it.

I'm going for my first job interview Monday; if everything works out well, I'll be possibly heading to Central Texas. How cool with that be! :)

I also have a nice friend who's been so willing to fulfill the need that Luke is leaving behind. So far, we're just friends and I have NO intention of dating anyone for probably the next full year. I'm beginning to enjoy single life again and it's not some "bane" to my existence.

Stand tall, bip2, and smile. God isn't finished with you yet. :)

Me: A great song...

So someday, I'll find a way to afford to go to concerts and symphonies and buy lots of awesome classical music. One to add:

Maurice Ravel: Pavane pour une infante defunte, for piana (or orchestra).

Stunning. Absolutely stunning. :)

Another by my favorite: Gabriel Faure called "Pavane, for Orchestra & Chorus Ad Lib in F Sharp Minor, Op. 50." Faure is just amazing...

Me: Age Appropriate

I'm constantly now being reminded of my age.

I have this uncanny knack for taking on big projects because I believe I have the zeal I did when I was 23. I drastically underestimate people and hurdles to jump over because I feel that since Im a bit wiser, I should be as nimble as I once was.

But I'm learning time and again that this is simply not the case.

For instance, I put my house on the market thinking that it would simply sell itself. It didn't.

I bought workout DVDs thinking it'd be hella easy to start and maintain. It wasn't.

I fell in love with the perfect guy who is now living an ocean away.

I work my ass off, doing things my way because it's more efficient. Sometimes, it just bites me in the ass.

I stood up for my rights and for what I thought was right. The brass at work shun me.

So overall, things are pretty unhelpful. I was gonna say "shitty" but that would connote that I feel bad about my life. Overall, I still have a great life and for that, I shouldn't complain. Instead, I bide my time until the next phase of my life: post-residency. It's gonna be a wild ride!

Black Professional: A Village

It's been a dream of mine for a while.

The goals of this project: to create a web village, full of mastercraftsmen and apprentices, that exchange advice on a variety of topics affecting the African-American community.

The logistics are sorta simple: it's an amalgamation of the admission requirements of Sermo, the forum capabilities and moderators of TelevisionWithoutPity, the vision of Bill Cosby, the sage perspectives of the Elder Wisdom Circle and the black people of urban and rural America.

The website will focus on recruiting young black men and women in an effort to "jumpstart" their experience with the professional world.

The site will consist of two entities: the Neighborhood, and The Village Forum

The Neighborhood is an assortment of succinct pages that are updated often. Within the pages, there will be links to various other "peer reviewed" websites and articles of interest to the up-and-coming Black professional. The Neighborhood is meant to be short and enticing to everyone who visits, which should prompt them to submit their CV/resume to The Village Forum.

The Village Forum is where the magic happens. Here, people will log in under their username, which will be a derivation of their names. Like Sermo, each partipant will have a designation, either "professional" or "apprentice".

Like TelevisionWithoutPity, the forum has endless possibilities but will be closely monitored for abuse. Solicitation will be strictly forbidden; this site is not a BlackPlanet or Match.com or CareerBuilders. In fact, there can be links to places such as this (which could garner financial contributions.)

Ultimately, I think of our village as a place where the successful in all walks of life have ready access to serious individuals who are looking for guidance and advice. I hope the Neighborhood will serve to nurture human thought and compassion and truly elevate the discourse between our young and old, our gay our straight, our rich our poor, our successful and struggling, our educated and less educated.

No other site that I have found fulfills such an ambitious goal. But I'm cautiously optimistic that this will work. I just need to sit down and write out a business plan and figure out funding.

Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. :)

Gay: Incumbents...

To this day, I'm still not certain why anyone would feel that I am a second class citizen despite me fulfilling my role as a responsible American citizen.

I'm constantly getting bombarded by emails to call my senator or representative to push them to end discrimination and support ENDA. I'm all for this. I'm just still surprised that I have to work this hard to get someone to acknowledge that I exist, WHEN they ask me for their votes in getting them to where they are.

It's a fascinating catch-22.

Lately I haven't been impressed with Congress and overall, I'm still not. They're dragging their feet on issues that shouldn't be placed on the back burner. Nah, I'm not an anarchist...but I don't like bullshit and I don't approve of people treating other people like shit.

So let's see what the fall holds; I just hope clear thinking people get elected/remain in office. The President can only do so much...

Me: Another time of change...

God, this is harder than I ever imagined.

I dreamed of a day when I would amass a certain conglomeration of things, like great friends, sustainable financial stream, a well respected job, the man of my dreams.

I have all those things, yet I balk.

Why do I balk?

What am I missing?

I have to find out what I'm doing wrong. I have to find out what will click for me. I wish I could remember when things stopped "clicking" for me. Sometime in the last 3 years, my memory became poor, my spirit was assaulted, and I became a weird guy. I don't like that.

I constantly find myself lost in thought, longing for things that aren't healthy for me. Wanting to be in the forefront of opinion and popularity. To have even more power, more friends.

When all in all, what I have now is what I longed for growing up. Simple. Easy.

Again I ask: what has happened to me.

I need to get it back before I fuck everything up, inadvertently...

Me: Cyclical...

I'm not sure how it happens.

I remember sitting down and being able to write stories. Creative stories that would blow your mind. Stories that won awards and that showed how much I loved the art of writing and storytelling.

I remember singing. I would sing whenever I got a chance. I joined groups, I bought music, I even tried to play it by ear on our electronic Yamaha keyboard. Lol, I would use this awesome record feature to try and weave together choir songs from high school. Lord I was a geek. Looking back, I remember how private it was, me plucking away at the keyboard, having the tones resonate with my soul.

During med school, I felt my well roundedness start to slip a little, but I was still able to sing and be creative. Living with Leslie would do that to anyone. But I took the time to play volleyball and connect with humans. I didn't resent people solely for their illnesses or my perceived notion that they caused their own suffering.

I held on to my humanity through a couple months into residency.

And then my life changed forever.

And I want my old life back.

Every now and again, I get glimpses of who I used to be. Hanging out with my friends here remind me of my family. Teej, Becca, Drew, Linds, Catherine, Ragaboo, Stewart, A Rod, Jo, Vas...they're all amazing.

Singing with Another Note has served the same purpose. It connects me to something more. I've had the pleasure of singing amazing music with amazing people. The chords and melodies will live with me for the rest of my life.

And I have the partner/husband/fiance of my dreams.

But I keep slipping into a funk. Somehow I allow myself to resume an old pity party. To feel sorry for myself. To get angry at the flaws of others. To paraphrase Pink, "don't let me get me, I'm my own worse enemy; it's bad when you annoy yourself."

I need to break the cycle.

When I come out of my funks, I realize that no one is worse for wear except for me. The house is a mess, I begin to get angry at myself for letting things fall into disarray.

This is not how I wish my life to be.

So I'm going to work to make sure it's not.

I have great friends, great family, great partner, great job, great health.

I will strive to appreciate them on a daily basis.

Lol, maybe I'll even get back into church someday....

....

....

Great Quotes...

I'm not even sure where I got this sheet of paper, but it was on my refridgerator and I am planning on recycling the paper. Here goes:

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

4. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

6. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

7. I've leanred that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

My First Crush...

Lol, so it turns out his name was Scott Marcotte. And he's now a Chief of Police. He used to be my DARE instructor in the 5th grade and it just tore me up to see all the 5th grade girls crawling all over him. I was sooo jealous. I think I may have even written him a letter saying that he should never talk to me again. Damn, in retrospect, it was kinda crazy. I hope he's forgotten and I'm glad I never turned into one of those people.

YIKES!