Me: Tough time...

Nothing's wrong with me.

I need to keep chanting that mantra. I'm a really good guy; I just tend to wear my feelings on my sleeves. I should try and protect my silly heart but that goes against who I am.

I keep trying to tell myself to move on. To stop thinking about him. But in doing so, I (again) go against my nature which causes me to feel more stressed out.

I'm really having a tough time with this. I really am.

The pain will subside at some point. And it dawned on me that I won't be able to date anyone until then. Hell, even having sex is awkward and unfulfilling.

Starting tomorrow, I spend less time on the computer, I work out regularly, I start meditating. I'm trying to force myself to lean into my pain. To truly just let it wash over me while I enjoy the ability to feel and emote.

I know something good will come of all this.

Like I told myself so many years ago while I sat in the tub, scared of my inner attraction to boys:

"It will get better because it HAS to."

Concentrate on improving yourself and everything else will work itself out.
I need to read more.
Spend less time on the internet.
Exercise regularly.
Eat on a schedule.
Study.
Meditate.
Don't feel guilt or regret; love him from afar and take things at face value. No deep thoughts, no collateral.