Me: End of the Line?

Caring just gets you into more and more trouble with yourself.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you do to other folks. What you cure, what you fuck up, what you advocate for or against. What matters is what you do for and to yourself.

And I'm having a hard time figuring out why I put myself into icky conundrums.

I can't cry anymore...and I'm not gonna hold back punches.

I have nothing much to lose, especially when I loathe my actions so much so that I've become numb and angry all the time.

And afraid.

And weird.

I'm not like that..."I'm" being the real me. I love life. I want to live it. There's so much to list that I won't even go into. So why am I this icky person? Where'd he come from?

I dunno but something's gotta change...

Me: Constant Reminders...

No matter where I am in this great state, I'm constantly reminded that I'm different.

But I didn't feel that way in Dallas last weekend.

Is it me? My environment? My social support/friends?

I'm not totally sure, but I do feel that things may be totally different after this whole on-line contest thing is over. Burnsy wants me to be on there with shirt off and cheesy grin; I have no desire or plan to do anything of the sort (it goes against everything I am and aspire to be.)

My constant reminder (or cognitive schema if you will) that continuously sounds in the background is 'and who do you think you are?"

No body...but that doesn't stop the thoughts from coming...

Me: America's Next Gay Bachelor...

I'm not that cute.

I'm not that eye-candy-eatable.

But I am normal and comprehensive.

In a very roundabout way, I signed up for a contest whose results will be very interesting. I used to pride myself on "seeing the future" but this is one who's outcome remains a mystery...

I'll write more later, but needless to say, I'm totally out and out of my comfort zone now. I did cherry-pick whom I sent the email notification to but it's now out of my hands and we'll have to see where the chips fall.

*Deep breath*

I'm excited!

Gay: Mr. Kentucky...

So apparently, I'm Mr. Kentucky!

Who knew?!?!

Lol, I happened to register for a website called MyPartner.com one evening because I was really feeling forlorn about the possibilities of finding that special someone in the middle of nowhere. And by chance, I got an email from a random person nominating me for Americas Next Gay Bachelor (or something akin to that.)

I responded to him in kind, thanking him for something like this but not really putting much stock into it. Turns out, he runs the whole damn thing :)

In any case, I'll take my nomination and run with it...I think. I'm not one to glorify my actions on a physical level (as I don't think I'm that cute...or at least not cute enough to hang with the boys on there.)

But it'll be an interesting exercise either way...in the end, I really should take my message of loving thyself and others further. If this be the medium, so be it.

I am a bit wary of the skeletons I've let out of the closet coming back to haunt me...but I KNOW I have a safe haven in other states, in other lands.

So let's see what happens, shall we? :)

Me: Gotta Move...

Yeah, my visit to Dallas to see old med school friends was awesome for it's inherent goodness properties of seeing old family and reminiscing with old friends. We partied and ate ourselves into financial distress as always.

And we're setting the foundation for future reunions and playdates as we grow old within the field.

But more importantly, this weekend taught me that I have been shortchanging myself. I've been afraid to tackle my situation head-on and in turn, I've made things worse for me without consciously knowing it.

No, I don't regret my time in horse-land, but it definitely is telling when I can be out and do my thing in a place like Dallas without getting stares or looks. I'm sure places like that have their drawbacks but as of right now, they're awesomely fun to be in.

Horse-land is a place that people would come to settle down...once again, I'm head of my time in this regard. Lol, you'd think a guy would learn, but I'm as hardheaded as they come.

So unless something superb happens, I'll be moving on back down towards more metropolitan areas...where the cultural diversity is teeming with energy. Being in places like B/CS and Temple and Horse-Land have a way of dampening your acceptance of things outside of the norm.

I must actively fight to keep that from happening.