Me: Gullible...

So on the way down from Kentucky, I had the pleasure of listening to Al Franken's book, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them." Let me just say it was AWESOME! And it makes me severely saddened to know that I too fell for alot of the political bullshit that consumed the Bush administration.

Sure, I saw Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" and I was shocked but still skeptical. But hearing Al Franken put things so eloquently in his book...well, I just might listen to it again on the drive back to Kentucky.

One thing really gets to me though; that these two guys seemingly have all kinds of commonsense and sources to back up there assertions, yet no one is listening to them. I don't quite understand. What's worse is that everything that they're reading literally has a source, often in respected media outlets.

And one of the other ideas is the rise of the "liberal media." It seems that the media is liberal because the conservatives say it's so. I don't condone alot of what goes on, but I truly believe that the media has a unique position to change the mindset of the people. In fact, this whole financial "meltdown" could be much better if people would quit calling it a "crisis" and acted like nothing was going on at all. But of course, that doesn't make for a sensational newstory...

Anywhoo, I'm gonna run for now; will write more later; just know that this shit is crazy...

Gay Professional: Complete Coming Out...

When will it happen?

There's an event going on in Lex for gays and lesbians to protest the passing of Prop 8. I was invited via Facebook by a guy that I went out on a date with. He's fantastic but there's not anything there as far as romantic relations.

Anyway, should I go? What if there are cameras? There are also bound to be other gay men there, both single and partnered with whom I can become acquainted....Should I make a statement?

The answer to the latter is that I should and I feel compelled to do so because soon, it'll be me (hopefully) who can't get married. And I'll be pissed about it. So in preparation, I should be the one standing up and doing interviews. But I'm not that strong....or at least I don't feel that strong.

It's times like these when I wish I had a therapist or a role model or mentor with whom to talk and share these thoughts with.

On another front, what about me just "coming out" on Facebook which I still haven't technically done yet...though I have plenty of things that link me to the gay world. Part of me wants to go through and temper the access of those people who don't really need to know, but I don't want to give off the flair that it's a big deal because it shouldn't be. Notice that I put the "shouldn't" in there. :)

That's because even now, though I'm trying to be open and honest with myself, being completely out is still an issue for me. Because there are times when I'm still trying to figure out just how hated I can be in the eyes of others.

Sometimes I do wish I were straight...but I love men. I just do. Viva the Gays! :)

Me: Stinky Pee...

So didja know that eating asparagus gave you stinky pee? I didn't know that until tonight...I don't even really like asparagus but when it's made by good friends who prepared it for you out of love for a dinner party, you eat it and you smile and you like it. :)

It almost reminds me of okra but the aftertaste is sharp and a bit bitter. Okra, on the other hand, is awesome when prepared correctly: either boiled with lots of pepper or fried. Mmmmm...

Yeah, I know this is something unusual to blog about but I never knew this about this little green vegetable. I've heard of pineapple making manjuice less funky so now I have another tidbit of random knowledge to spew to unsuspecting guests.

Black: Right place, wrong time...

So just yesterday I decided to spur-of-the-moment go out with some resident friends to a local wine bar. There we were going to celebrate one of my friend's boyfriends successful maneuvering of the residency interview system.

Being that I didn't want to be horribly late, I actually arrived at the place on time.

It was an awfully swanky looking place with a tasting room on one half and the actual store on the other.

I didn't know if anyone was there yet so I slipped into the front door and upon not seeing anyone, whipped out my cell phone to call and see where everyone was.

Now I should've known something was odd because pretty much, all eyes were looking at me intermittently with curiosity and apprehension. This isn't new for me: I've come to expect that in many places that I frequent with my white friends.

But this was worse than usual. And instead of just turning and high tailing it out of there (because that was awkward) I stood there like a deer in headlights.

Then a guy walked up to me and said, "oh, this is a private party so the place isn't open." And with shame and weirdness plastered on my face, I turned and walked out.

Yup, embarassing. I tried not to get angry with my friends who told me to go there and of course, I made no mention to them what happened. But it did hurt my feelings...alot.

I hate feeling like that and part of me is now reluctant to ever go near that place again. And another little part resents my friends for allowing me to walk into a trap.

Yeah, I know I'm overreacting but I don't care. They weren't the ones standing there looking like an idiot...

Me: I (currently) regret my decision...

Coming to Klantucky may not have been the best decision I've made in a long time.

Now friends are dating, having babies, making money, doing well academically, excelling in their fields, and I'm not.

That's the plain and simple truth: I'm not.

I'm not dating anyone and the prospects seem slim.

I have no kids yet I yearn for them with every fiber of my being.

I haven't come close to finishing what I need to make extra moolah (thought that might not be a bad thing)

I just got in trouble for poor test scores which limits the above point.

And I don't feel like I have a grasp on anything.

And I don't feel that I can talk to anyone about it because NO ONE would understand.

It's a really awkward position to be in because I'm still as socially and occupationally driven as I have always been and now I'm in that weird place where I don't agree with half the shit that's going on but I can't back out now because I've put so much into it (house, work, etc.)

It's time's like this that I wished I lived closer to home so that I could be reminded of where I came from and how far I have come, which is a small victory in itself.

My problem is that I keep looking outward for happiness when it should lie within. But I think I should focus my energies and efforts towards helping MYSELF because currently, I'm expending energy with no return.

I feel optimistic and I'm not as depressed as I've been othertimes...I'm not sure if it's the alcohol typing or me, but I've come to figure out (again and fucking again) that it's me I have to answer to at the end of the day and that I should do things that make me happy.

Funny how things again come full circle...

Me: Still Smilin'...

So the novelty of Obama winning hasn't worn off yet and I am truly inspired by his story and his ambition. Honestly, if he just keeps being himself, he won't fail. People will believe in him if he allows them to. I hope and pray (and I'm not much of a praying man anymore) that he finds peace each evening. I am really excited...and I'm tearing up again.

Being a black man, this is simply historic. I...I just don't even know what to say to commemorate this wonderful event. I do feel inspired to actually finish my projects. And I do feel a bit less depressed.

And on that topic, I've been thinking of getting a light box because I know just how sad I get during the winter time. Being a summer baby really gets to ya when you're away from year round summer-ness. :)

Anywhoo, President Obama has such a nice ring to it. :)

Me: Obama Wins...

It's validating.

I never knew validation could feel so wonderful! To know that finally, someone "up there" knows and loves me for who I am and what I can be and do. To know that being gay is no longer a negative strike against me and that someone "up there" knows that I am due every right as any and everyone else in our great nation.

Obama is a black man (or at least half). And he's the president of the greatest and strongest nation on the planet.

Ain't that something...I'm speechless!

Me: In Chicago - Part I

So while I was in Chicago, lots of stuff happened:

1. I bought a 25 dollar hamburger. Yeah, it was good but nothing I couldn't do at home with some sirloin, blue cheese, bacon, and pickles.

2. Ate a 45 day old steak wherein they allowed the fat to grow mold and whatnot before cooking the shit out of it. It was tasty and around 50 bucks.

3. Saw "Wicked" which (hee!) was fantastic. Not as good as Legally Blonde or Rent but it was a really good show. The actress playing Elphaba was amazing! Annaleigh Ashford was playing Galinda/Glinda who played Serena in Legally Blonde so I have to admit, it was a little weird seeing her in a main actress role. But they all did wonderfully.

4. Saw "Jersey Boys" very spontaneously. And I'm glad I did. The guy playing Frankie was amazing. His falsetto was only ursurped by some random black guy who was blowing it out when he came on-stage.

5. Experienced non-boredom. In fact it was like sensory overload and made me even more tired. Lol, I can't wait to go back when it's warm outside and see just how many crazy folks are running around doing stuff.

6. Dealt with mass transit. I rode the "El" which surprisingly wasn't that bad. No one paid any attention to me...it was all very "openly incognito." It's hard to comprehend how many people were there with all their different lives and life stories. It makes it much easier to feel that I can be out and open in a place like that.

7. Mingled with the elite: Beau-jamin had some high powered lawyer friends, many of whom seemed to talk at a level quite above what I am accustomed until they actually let down their hair and lo, they are just like me! Whouda thunk it. And these friends were likely just the beginning of the "social ladder." I can only imagine rubbing shoulders with those folks who own the high rises and what not.

8. Realization: I love being me. I love being able to experience new things through my eyes and my point of view. Up there, making eye contact meant asking for something...it was actually comical because I make eye contact with the express purpose of greeting. Ah well, I'm a country bumpkin, what can I say.

More machinations later...