Me: An Everyday Decision...

To quit or not to quit, that is the question...I know deep down in my heart that leaving is not the best option. Not only will there be tons of stones unturned that I would kick myself in the ass about later, but it's also fun to see just how miserable the moment can be...I'm referring both to work and my relationship with Abe.

This last month on wards was one of the lowest points this year. Not only was I dealing with some of the most unprofessional people I have ever encountered, the patient load was incredible, the feelings of fair play thrown out the window, and to top it all off, it's colder'n a witches tit in a brass bra. :) I finished my last shift yesterday and trust me, I won't look back on this month with longing nostalgia...except for my time getting to know Jo. He was fantastic.

And Abe...I know I'm still in love with this guy. Just talking to him brightens my day. But on the flip side, I'm still young and naive to have doubts about what I could potentially be missing. Even though I have (in essence) the perfect guy right in front of me, I can't help but keep looking around "just in case." It's actually really pathetic and I hate myself for it, but I'm not sure how to get around this just yet. So far, I'm really pleased at how open and honest we've been with each other...I just don't know how long I'm going to make myself "wait" seeing as how I have what I want. I think the saying goes, "if youth only knew, if age only could."

On the whole, I think I will work towards a goal for each:

WORK: Keep walking. There's no need to make friends with ancillary staff. I've always been courteous, even when poked and prodded to respond in the negative. I think this speaks well of my upbringing, but more importantly, to my self resolve that I CHOOSE not to fall to their level of dispicableness. I have great relationships with lots of fellow residents and I think that'll be plenty of people to share my life with. I'll try to talk more about work at a later date.

LOVE: Step by step. Before, I think I rushed and allowed myself to be rushed into something that scared me. This time, I'll take my own pace and we'll work at becoming a true couple, if that's what's meant to be. Marriage, moving in, etc...those are all distant possibilities that I shouldn't let into being right now cuz it just complicates matters. For the time being, I'll treat him just as what he is: a love interest.

Okay, I'm headed off to bed for now. And luckily, since I'm not at friggin' work all the goddamn time, I think I'll write more and complete more work on the website...I'm so excited!!!